Sorority succumbs to Church of Satan, officers treated

Tha 23rd

Several University Police officers were ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation after claiming to have seen “Satanic images” at a local sorority house.
Four officers claimed to have seen the images after they responded to an anonymous tip that sorority members at 666 S.E. had turned the house into a brothel.
“When we got to the house, we did not see any suspicious ‘business’ transactions taking place. What we did see made me upchuck the doughnuts I had earlier,” one officer said.
The officer described the images as “gruesome.”
“There were bloody animal parts strewn all over the floor. 666 was painted in blood on the wall,” the officer said.
A third officer claimed to have seen images of burning crosses when he entered the house.
A University Police segeant ordered the officers to receive psychiatric treatment after noticing some very strange behavior.
“The officers acted as if they were in some kind of trance. Their eyes were bloodshot, and they even stopped making frequent trips to the local fast-food joints,” the segeant said.
The sergeant said the officers would greatly benefit from the treatment, since a licensed professional like Jan Gangelhoff would conduct the counseling.
This is not the first time University employees have undergone this type of counseling. It is rumored that Clem Haskins and several athletics officials have also received Gangelhoff’s help.

In other police news:
ù A University student received a life sentence in the fiery dungeon known as the Gateway Center.
The student will be tortured incessantly in the dungeon as a result of indecent exposure.
Several witnesses saw the suspect running through the halls of Blegen, wearing nothing other than leopard-print socks.
University President Mark Yudof was shocked by the incident.
“I cannot believe a student would expose himself like that,” Yudof said. “Especially sporting such a small twig and berries.”

ù A University student has been charged with a felony after blowing up the financial-aid office and holding the workers hostage.
“I waited long enough for my loan money to come in,” the suspect said.”It was time to take some serious action.”
The student burst into Frasier Hall with several loaded guns and demanded that somebody tell him what the status was of his financial aid.
“Every time I tried to call about my loans, the line was busy. There are never any parking spots in front of Frasier, either,” the suspect said.
After one financial-aid employee told the suspect he would not receive his loan money until summer 2000, he exploded in anger.
“I blew the place up. I could finally leave Fraser Hall satisfied,” the suspect said.
The University has plans to build a bigger, more screwed-up financial-aid office by next fall.
Tha 23rd Buchan is not really a staff reporter, just a slimy schmuck who offered to write for free. So we let ’em.