Uncanny change sends chairs flying

Sean Madigan

Subway asks their customers if they are ready for a wrap. But now Subway might consider asking their employees if they are ready to be rapped in the face by a customer wielding the right side of a restaurant booth.
University police charged physical education major Rod Engun on Thursday with second degree assault and battery with a piece of furniture after his actions landed a Subway employee in critical condition.
When clerk Peter Anusface demanded Engun pay $13.13 for his meal, he refused and started ranting and repeating an illogical series of nouns.
“Rollerskates, chicken nuts, Ted Nugent and paper plates,” Engun repeated, rocking back and forth on his heels and blinking his eyes while staring at the ceiling.
Engun, 22, suffers from clinical triscadecaphobia, or fear of the number 13. Restaurant patrons described Engun’s behavior as irrational and complicated.
“I have a key chain that says I go from zero to bitch in less than 3.4 seconds,” said Jackie Lee Wisnikewiskisy. “But this jerk went from zero to maniac in less than a millisecond.”
Anusface repeatedly asked Engun to pay for his food, but Engun ignored his requests. He violently shook a nearby restaurant booth, ripping the fixture out of the floor.
“The guy wasn’t even that big. But he displayed superhuman effort tearing out a bench bolted to the floor,” said Subway patron J.C. Milborn.
Anusface backed away from Engun, but a crate of tuna subs awaiting delivery blocked his path. Engun raised the bench over his head. A stream of yelps and cusses spewed from his mouth.
Engun continued to brandish the bench at stunned restaurant customers. Engun then wielded the ergonomically incorrect sitting apparatus repeatedly against Anusface’s face.
“Dude, I totally would’ve taken him out,” patron Rich Undercarriage assured his teenaged girlfriend. “But I tore my rotator cuff winning state at 145 lbs.”
Anusface is now in stable condition, but has a difficult time communicating.
“I saw it coming,” Anusface typed into his voice translator box. “I don’t deserve this, not for $5.38 an hour.”
Dr. Penbrooke C. Petticoat said triscadecaphobia rarely leads to violence.
“This gentleman, the future gym teacher, must be a specimen of a man coursing with testosterone,” Petticoat said. “Fits suffered from this uncommon phobia usually result in palm spitting or folk dancing, not involuntary furniture battery.”