GOTANYLOOSECHANGE?
From Kara-lot: Today I was in the women’s bathroom in the physics building and while dropping my pants I dropped 35 cents on the floor. Net: Hmmm … usually you have to pay more for it in the physics building. It fell under the stall directly to my right. I watched it laying there and wondered if I should stick my hand under and pick it up.
I thought twice, as I noticed there was someone in the next stall. Then I saw her greedy little fingers pick it up and place it in her pocketbook. What is this world coming to? Net: Guess she caught you with your pants down. She knew it was mine and stole it from me! If I had been the one in that stall I would have at least kicked it back over. Net: Or better yet, wrapped it in something, if you know what we mean. … I think she pulled a “Ladwig” or “Crutch,” as some people in the dorms call it.

WHITEBOYSCAN’T DUMP
From Bitter Brandon: What the hell is the matter with these damn University students? Net: Choice of educational institution, for starters. I don’t get any respect around here. Maybe you don’t deserve it. Consider all possibilities. Just because I’m a short white kid who’s gay and can’t play basketball doesn’t mean that I don’t have any status around here at the U. Net: Don’t worry — believe it or not, the University is overflowing with white people, and very few actually play basketball for a vocation. And at the U, any gay kid can grow up and become MSA president.
I’m a person, too. Net: We never said you weren’t — feelin’ defensive today? What’s a little guy supposed to do? Net: Quit whining and develop a personality. In the long run, it will help you out a lot. I’m thinking about growing a goatee, but I’m afraid that I’m going to look like a midget. Net: Oh yeah — everyone with a goatee already looks like a tiny little Satan. Beware.
OK, so one final complaint to Network: Why is it that every time I go into the cultural studies and comparative literature building I always get lost and end up at the Asian Student Cultural Center? Net: Genghis Khan in your family tree, perhaps. I just want to do my comp class Net: So do we. Cute freshmen, but I can’t because I always get lost! Oh well, I guess I have one thing going for me at the U — Network. It embodies everything that is good and right in the world. Net: OK — now we’re really scared. Call University Counseling and Consulting Services immediately and find better things about the U. We can’t take the pressure. And it’s important to branch out. Trust us. It’s the best advice you’ll ever get.BOOKSTORE WOMEN, WELOVEYOU
From Bronze Boy: Thumbs up to the women of the bookstore! They really rock my world. Just seeing those sassy women of the bookstore gets me almost as excited as Playboy’s “Girls of the Big Ten” issue. Net: Thanks, Bronze Boy. We’re sure you’ve made some very hard-working women smile. (What an odd thing for us to do!) Take care, and have bronze, sunny days.
FIGHTTHEPOWER (TOWER)

From Rand McNally: I have a strategy that I use when I’m at McDonald’s or some other establishment that allows tow companies to prey on their patrons.
Whenever the tow guy comes into McDonald’s and yells, “Does anyone own a wood panel Pacer Wagon?” I simply say “I do,” and he leaves. Net: Wow. Not only are you taking one for the good of humanity, you’re publicly claiming a really awful car. We think there’s a Nobel in this somewhere. I think everyone should make it a practice to simply say “I do” Net: Especially at weddings whenever these tow gimps come into a business to ask if anyone owns the car they are about to tow.