Net: Talk about you…

Net: Talk about your drop-offs in volume. We let our dear readership take a few weeks off to ponder how to better worship us, and we get no letters in the interim. OK, OK, we got SOME letters, but Butt-lovin’ Mike D. doesn’t really count (we never liked him much, thpppppt). That’s right. We’re surly, we’re sunburned, and we’re hungry for some sweet lovin’. Where’d our Banana Flip go …
LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX

From Howling Mad Murdock and Hannibal: Hey, Net: Hay. Net, boy do we have a story for you. Net: What makes you think we’re a boy? Anyway, we got a story for YOU. There we are, naked on the roof of Morrill Hall, when this bald-headed guy pops up. Uh, nevermind. Isthatthephoneringing? Wegottago. We were eating in Borealis the other day, just hanging around with the Team, enjoying a few Oranginas (Mr. T. loves that shiznit). Waiting for a turkey sandwich (Murdock is talking here) (no veggies … I’m usually constipated), I looked over and saw this long-haired, orange girl opening up a bottle of Sprecher’s Root Beer (brewed in the finest German Root Beer tradition, in Milwaukee, of course). Net: Two problems. 1: That’s one of the most confusing sentences we’ve received all year. 2: You use too many parentheses (Erp). She twisted the cap and the brown fluid ejaculated out all over her shirt. Seeing the sweet nectar oozing down the sides, she seductively licked the outer rims, running her quivering tongue just over the tip. Net: If we didn’t know better, we’d suspect this letter was making sexual references. She then proceeded to shove the entire bottle into her mouth, in and out, in and out, while screaming, It was dripping! It was dripping! Net: Oh, Gary Coleman! Yes! Yes! Yes! Look out for the root beer chick. Net: And bald guys at Morrill Hall. Damn, it was a good thing Hannibal was sitting down.
Net: Ha, ha, yes it is a good thing Hannibal was sitting down. We have no idea what you’re talking about, but thanks for writing in. Summertime at the University of Minnesota = lean times for Network. If you ever wanted to get published in the paper, now might be the time to write in, especially if you’re a heretic (Ohhhh Brother Jed …).

LET’S TALK ABOUT YOU AND ME

From Butter Luv D: Summer is fun as hell. Net: Paging Dr. Obvious to Network. Dr. Obvious, Network. There are the 4 B’s: BBQ, Basketball, Beer and Bitches. Net: Technically, that’s five B’s. And don’t forget the four C’s: capulation, curmudgeon, crappy and cromulent. I’m looking for a job right now, and the two things I want the most out of my summer job are work with hot girls and work at a place close to a Best Buy. Net: ‘Cuz Best Buy epitomizes BBQ, Basketball, Beer and Bitches. Right, the Idea Box scorin’ with the ladies down at a cookout by Loring Park. It ain’t happenin’. That way I can buy all the new CDs after work. Tomorrow I will get the new Slim Shady CD. You know it’s gonna be sweet ’cause he calls ‘N Sync a bunch of fags. Net: We want to be a fool for you. Just another player in the game with you … Hit me baby, cuz it ain’t no lie, baby bye, bye, bye. Although I do miss all those fine-ass sorority chicks running around. There aren’t as many during summer session. Sorority chicks are great because they are just like bowling balls. Net: Prepare ship for sexual reference No. 46! Impact in three, two, one … You stick three fingers in them, then throw them in the gutter afterward, and yet they keep rolling back to you for more. Net: Damage report! Damage report! Do we still have auxiliary smart-ass remarks? Are all systems working? I think you should replace Duplex with that comic in the finals issue, Cyber Destruction. That small-penis stuff is pure comedy gold.
Net: Phew, topic structure normalizing. We’ve averted disaster. But for how much longer? How much longer? Have a great summer, Networkia!

EXTORTION

Net: We’re not sure what this is. Enjoy.
Dear Jerks (this means you), Net: Us? As soon as 10 individuals give me $10 each, I will erect our new basketball hoop in a convenient place in the parking lot. Net: Wouldn’t that be somethin’. Having a hoop out in Wolverine or whatever the hell that huge friggin’ lot is? If this does not happen by Friday, however, the unit will be returned, and resident basketball fans will have lost any opportunities to play throughout the summer. Dan Maruska