Lack of nookie among students disturbs U officials

Chuck Rueben

University officials were shocked and embarrassed to report yesterday that 10 percent of University students are having 100 percent of the sex, the lowest nookie ratio for the Twin Cities campus in nearly 20 years.

Not since 1984 – when sex was accidentally linked to obesity – have so few students been having sex, said health officials from Boynton Health Service. Boynton’s study, conducted earlier this spring, showed that only an estimated 3,000 of the University’s 30,000 undergraduates are getting laid.

“It reflects poorly on the students, the institution and the taxpayers,” said University Vice President and Provost Craig Swan. “You just know parents and prospective students will think twice before choosing the ‘U’ of ‘M.'”

University President Mark Yudof made an emergency radio address to the public last night in response.

“I still believe our University is the best four-year institution in the country,” Yudof said. “But to regain respect from our peers, there will have to be considerable cooperation from the student body.

“And by cooperation, I mean hard, wet humping,” he said.

Yudof said he would be meeting next week with several top advisers to discuss a “recovery” plan to be sent to the Board of Regents in June.

“We have a lot of options in front of us, but it won’t be as easy as ‘tab A into slot B,'” Yudof said. “Most students aren’t having sex, and they don’t care.”

To confront the sex apathy, administrators have considered requiring a “sex elective” for graduation. The final project for the course would involve full intercourse.

Mathematics junior Mark Thompson said he’d rather just masturbate.

“Whether I’m having sex or not, I still get off,” Thompson said. “A lot of times, the only horny girls are skanky hoes or theater majors. And I’m not going to stoop that low just to get laid.”

The Boynton study, which was conducted among a random sample of 5,000 students, attempted not only to gauge sexual activity of students, but also to determine patterns among smaller populations like
colleges and departments.

“Sexually speaking, the IT department is suffering badly,” said Boynton sexpert Tom Algers. “But IT students were most likely able to name and locate parts of the female genitalia. They have potential.”

The study also showed that the majority of psychology majors had sick, disturbing fetishes, Algers said.

But Algers noted that in order to increase the nookie ratio on campus, officials must also focus on several demographics and personality types within the smaller populations.

“Take the English department – they get a lot of hanky-panky,” Algers said. “Except for those English students who insist on reading their work aloud in class. Those people are not having sex.”

Although the University now ranks second-to-last in sex among Big Ten schools, Yudof remained confident that its integrity would be restored.

“The time will come when ‘U’ of ‘M’ students are known for their sex,” Yudof said.

Chuck Rueben wants to know if you’re
hanging out tonight. Oh, you have a test tomorrow? That sucks, dude. Well, if you get tired of studying, just give him a call.
He’ll be partying.