Pitchfork Music Fest: The Onion stories that never were

A&E gives some suggestions for the satirical rag.

Opinion: You hear âÄúPolaroid ;âÄù I hear âÄúplayed-outâÄù Pitchfork attendee discovers kindred spirit in vegan taco line Male fan shocked after discovering he accidently put on jeans intended for females, relieved when they felt âÄòjust rightâÄô Wavves frontman Nathan Williams councils other, younger bands on the dangers of âÄòecstasy and Valium cocktailsâÄô Missed connection: You wore black Chuck Taylors and loved Vice magazine as much as I did I wore a flannel shirt and leggings WeâÄôre meant to be Area music fan unaware heâÄôs spilt $375 worth of IPA in three days A âÄòfreeganâÄô in attendance has epiphany mid-garbage feast, realizes heâÄôs become âÄúCharlotteâÄôs WebâÄôsâÄù Templeton the rat Heated argument brews between two attendees regarding which purchases more products that donâÄôt feature UPCâÄôs Flaming LipsâÄô frontman Wayne Coyne angrily walks off stage after âÄòsmelling some reeferâÄô KKK loses record for most outdoor, Anglo event attendees Point-counterpoint Point: tall people at concerts are dicks Counterpoint: short people should be born with periscopes