The reality of Homecoming 2004

You can show your school spirit by mouthing the trite lyrics of Avril Lavigne or Usher!

For the Minnesota Programs and Activities Council, it is a very important time of year. Homecoming is its chance to represent the student body by showing off its carefully planned, appealing celebration of school spirit. Well, plan they did, and the results speak for themselves.

Our homecoming this year is really, really dumb.

The second that I learned the 2004 theme was “It’s Reality,” I knew the Student Activities Office and the council had royally screwed up. What were they thinking when they decided to go with this appalling theme?

“Well, I figure since reality television was, like, super popular five years ago,” one of the ditzy coordinators probably explained to the group, “We should, like, literally relate that to the students’ lives. Because, when you think about it, everyone is in a reality.”

“Omigod, that’s perfect,” the rest of the group most likely said in unison.

And so it was passed. No one stopped to think that the parade will consist of six “Survivor” and three “Real World” floats. Nobody realized this theme would stifle the creativity of even the most skilled motto-makers. Heck, our anti-Illinois battle cry for the football game is officially “you’re fired.” Not even one council member had the common sense to realize the theme would drag the rest of the homecoming down with it. Let me explain.

The pinnacle of homecoming stupidity, for this and every year, is the royalty competition. For only a wasted $25 and an (assumably 50-word) essay, anybody can become a member of the royal homecoming court. Yeah, that’s right. The king and queen are not the winners of a grand competition, rather, paying customers of a pathetic popularity contest.

And speaking of pathetic, fraternities and sororities are usually the only ones participating in this homecoming garbage anyway. For some reason, the only thing that has an effect on these drunken, diseased people is a misinterpreted sense of school spirit. No one outside of greek life cares, and this probably has something to do with the fact that no one outside of greek life has bought his or her circle of friends.

Other completely ridiculous homecoming events this year include lip-syncing and “cheer” competitions. What a great idea. You, too, can show your school spirit by mouthing the trite lyrics of Avril Lavigne or Usher! And don’t forget to dance around slutishly to recent hip-hop tunes. That’s called cheering!

This is all quite comical to me, because every group competing in the stage events has to use the “It’s Reality” theme in its act. How is that going to work? I’m picturing some choreographed catfights, because that’s all I seem to see on reality television anyway.

The only “reality” in Homecoming 2004 is that most students will use the festivities as an excuse to get trashed. Let’s face it, our events might as well be binge drinking competitions, sobriety-testing games and “most effective riot” contests. I certainly hope that most students spend this weekend drunk. That way, they can forget this awful homecoming ever existed.

Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected]