DOT YOUR EYES From…

DOT YOUR EYES
From Ronco to Mole Hunter, TLC, et al: Remember your good old pal from television, the Black DotÂ, used in newscasts, talk shows and music videos to cover up all manner of obscenity/corporate sponsorship? Net: Let us not forget the faces of the innocent! Recently Black Dot has fallen out of favor on broadcast television because of lower cost and slightly more risquÇ MosaicVision which translates nudity into large, flesh-colored blocks. Net: Not to mention that it does a better job of illustrating nudity. Titillating! Well, have I got a deal for you! Through a special licensing deal, I can bring Black Dot to all your computer labs! Using special genitalia recognition software (GRS) and the new Black DotÂ-powered filter, you can kiss all forms of Internet offensiveness goodbye! That’s right! Here’s how it works: All information downloaded to a terminal running the Black Dot software is scanned for pictures and animations that in any way resemble human, animal and alien genitalia. Any time a penis, vagina or breast is detected (and objects resembling these parts), it is immediately covered with the Black DotÂ! The image is then displayed, minus the naughty bits! Now you’re asking yourself, “How can we get this great software???” You can’t buy it in stores! You can’t download it off the Internet. That’s because you don’t have to! Black Dot is now a subscription service! You can get a subscription to Black Dot for a measly $49.99 per quarter, per terminal! And if you call now, we’ll give you a week of Black Dot for FREE! BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! Black Dot DELUXE can also be set to scan text documents and edit out any unsuitable words! BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! The Black Dot DELUXE service also includes Daily DotsÂ! You have your choice of information displayed across the Black Dot such as stock tickers, sports scores, headline news or any of 700 inspirational messages, such as “Stop Touching Yourself, Spunkmonkey!” and “What would your mother say?” At NO EXTRA COST! That’s right! For $49.99 plus $10.99 per quarter per terminal, you get Black DotÂ, Black Dot DELUXE, the Multi-Color Dot and Daily DotsÂ! AND IF YOU CALL NOW you can get our new Light&Sound Show ABSOLUTELY FREE! That’s right! You heard it here! Light&Sound Show is tied directly into the Black Dot software. Whenever Black Dot detects unsuitable material, it sends a signal to Light&Sound Show, setting off a 110 db siren and rotating yellow hazard light mounted atop the terminal monitor! Net: Yellow light special on terminal four … desecrated cake pans! Operators are standing by. Don’t wait until it’s too late to get yours!

THREE WISE RANTS
From Shank: I have just a few things I would like to ask those of you who faithfully read the Network during those calc and physics lectures. Net: We take it you don’t want to borrow their notes. So here it goes …

a) Is it just me, or are those steps outside on the West Bank rather awkwardly placed? You know the ones I’m talking about — those steps you take down after you get off the bridge and are going to, say, the Rarig Center. For those of us who are relatively tall, we still can’t seem to be able to gracefully master them, and the vertically challenged are torn between leaping from stair to stair, or taking two steps for each stair. Net: Easy there, Johnny Shortlegs. It would seem to me that the stairs were built specifically for extremely tall people … like basketball player tall, but that wouldn’t make any sense because everyone knows that basketball players never go to … uh, practice on the West Bank.

2) Although I like Robert Plant‘s idea of the Alumni Center resembling the Death Star, I see something else. To me, the Alumni Center looks like a huge friggin’ penis. Net: Actually, according to local folklore, it’s Paul Bunyan’s Zamboni, dragging the goal that it crashed into after Babe the Blue Ox was in the crease. Search your feelings, you know it to be true. Here’s my theory: The day we graduate, we “be cum” Alums, thus able to enter The Main Unit (or “The Main U” Net: Main Urethra? for you bass-ackwards, small town yokels from places like Barnum, Minn.), and at the excitement of entering our new careers we are all shot out into the real world — a dark, unforgiving place none of us have been before. We must swim through the darkness to burrow into our own special place in the world. That, or the alumni are insecure about the size of their wankers.

d) Finally, I will have a signing at 4:20 p.m. today in Coffman Union for my new book, “Russ Archambault Net: No relation to Rush Limbaugh is a big, fat idiot.” I would be more than happy to sign your copy free of charge. As added incentive, the first customer will receive Russ’ own text from his first class at our beloved University, “Intro to All Things Round.”

ALF AND WILLIE
From Monkey Boy: I just wanted to respond to the vandalistic acts of Monday … I was trying to think of an appropriate punishment for these dumbasses who ruined years of quality research for cancer and other terminal diseases, students’ doctoral research, as well as University equipment. First, I think that they should be neutered, so that they cannot reproduce (the world is filled with enough dumbasses as it is); second, the research that was being done on the animals that they took away should be done on them, since they think the lives of pigeons are more important than humans. Net: Actually, they were being used for a behavior study, not an unacceptable behavior study. So that wouldn’t work. Third, since jails are too good for these idiots, they should be put in front of a firing squad of monkeys, because I’m pretty sure you can train monkeys to use firearms.