WAYNE’S WORLD Fro…

WAYNE’S WORLD
From Flight: (Enter obligatory butt-kissing to Network in order to ensure printing here) Net: A facetious, acerbic substitute such as yours will do. I don’t know if anyone else saw this last Sunday, but Wayne Gretzky (he’s a hockey player) Net: Huh-huh … really? played his last game ever. Something about this particular game had me extremely concerned. Net: The lack of fighting? The fact that they played the Canadian national anthem is not a shocker for a hockey game, but it is when you consider that the game was being played in NEW YORK CITY and that the other team wasn’t Canadian either. Net: Well … okay, but the guy they were honoring was kind of Canadian … Then, as they played the REAL national anthem and had us thinking everything was back to normal, they changed a line from “O’er the land of the free” to “O’er the land of Wayne Gretzky” … WHAT??? Net: Okay, you got us. That’s WRONG. You gotta be kidding me! This all leads me to a frightening conclusion … the Canadians are going to plan to take over the United States! Forget the squirrels, forget King T, Net: We would advise against that our “friendly” neighbors to the north have bigger plans. Armed with the destructive Walley missiles, they will attack when we least expect it. And who will be leading this massive charge?? Wayne Gretzky. Net: He shoots … he kills! Be afraid. Be very afraid. &$%damn Canadians…
CEREBRAL ESSENCES

From Clicks: Oh, my dear Network, I wanted to take a moment to reach out and speak to the poor, girlfriendless, young Institute of Technology students. There are women who love smart men, Net: Next week on Oprah, “Smart men, and the Women who Love Them.” and I have a little story that might bring you hope. Every week this amazingly smart and sexy man saunters into my recitation classroom and quietly sits down next to me. We are both nervous, but anxious for what is going to come. Our teaching assistant hands out the week’s physics problem on warm, fresh, clean sheets. We begin working slowly, looking everything over before we dive in. Our pencils write faster and faster and we begin to sweat. I excitedly wait for him to pull out his big, hard, TI-85. He jabs the digits onto the keypad and then … YES! YES! YES! We have an answer. Net: Wow … a simultaneous answer? You oughtta let Dr. Date know how that’s accomplished … Later, we sit back and relax, reminiscing on the afternoon’s accomplishments. It was good, but I still look forward to heading over to Lind Hall and receiving help from some of the more experienced members of IT. So you see, brilliant young minds of IT, there is hope, we are out there waiting for you. But for you, my dear Network, do not be jealous. You are my one true love, for you challenge and enrich my mind like no other. Net: (Blushing) **Garsh**
CHER, MADONNA, BETTE MIDLER … PSHAW
From Rollerdiva: Hmmmmmm … It seems that everyone wants a piece of the attractive and tenacious Rollerdiva these days … and what can I say? It takes a pretty groovy chick to roam the campus in pleated skirts and yummy K2 Flight 76’s. But, honestly Net, this rollachick has been super down in the dumps as of late, like many a dog from the beloved Sweet Pickles story books of my youth. The peril of my situation is simple: How can I solve everyone’s problems and still find a date for Frankie Manning’s birthday party at the Roseland Ballroom in NYC on May 26th? Net: Believe us, Roller … you can’t be all things to all people. However, Phlegm of Discontent asked about you the other day … Oh woe is me, and yesterday my lamentation sent me into a rollerfit in the middle of the Northrop Mall, as I was perfecting my jumping-the-Mall-stairs technique. The details of my fit are too long and tedious to describe, but I will say that one butt-ugly Sheryl Crow fan and his booty-ass date will think twice before messing with a rollerdiva again! Hee hee.
On to my point! Net: You have a point? (No really, I have one) I just wanted to let Canadian FBI know that Tiggs speaks the truth! CLA babes dig IT smarties. (I speak from experience.) Not only that, but there are tons and tons of hot chicks in calculus right now who need your help! Three years ago, I was one of them, and like, who knows? Maybe I’d be an IT babe if I’d only ran into the likes of you and your ilk when I needed guidance and trig-function wisdom. As for PeeWee and Brainiac (Brainiac especially — no, brainiac mostly), you two have uncanny powers for missing the point! I think my groovilicious friend PowerMac was only wondering if the super hunky and studly frat brothers knew that Abercrombie and Fitch advertisements are purposefully homoerotic. And also, I believe PowerMac was wondering why this didn’t bother most of them. I must say, this has often befuddled me. Truth be told, I love frat boys! Especially on a sunny afternoon when I have to skate ALL the way from Peik Hall to the Rec Center, Net: How do you make it? past all the half-naked shirtless boys on the stoop, who don’t mind a little exhibitionism/voyeurism. (It’s true!) Hey, Peewee, are you ever on the stoop? And lastly, to C4-Pyro, who should shame himself for ever doubting the öberchicness of Rollerdiva, I offer some dating advice: If you truly want a chick on eight to 10 wheels, why don’t you just ask the first rollerhottie that catches your eye if she would consider checking out your C4-Pyro special? If she’s interested, I’m sure she’ll say yes …
AND IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH ENCOURAGEMENT, BOYS …

From Doddie’s friend: This is addressed to my friend from NoDak who likes to play chubby bunny when he’s drunk (you know who you are) and to all of the young men currently attending the University. Net: Cwabi Bfani Although the “shy guy” routine is charming for awhile, it’s getting a little old. Many males cite the women’s liberation movement as an excuse for keeping their heads in the sand. (“She should make the first move.”) Net: Shuvy Vfunee Well, the day that the “changing gender roles” excuse works is the day when it’s socially respectable for women not to wear makeup, not to have a body like Ally McBeal and not to have breasts like Pamela Anderson (used to have). Net: Cshaavy … Bfaunny Guys, please get off you arse and ask that gal (or guy, “not that there’s anything wrong with that.”) out. It’ll be worth it, I promise. DO IT TODAY!!! Thank you for your time and have a good day. That is all. Net: Pthew! — Chubby … Bunny! Got it!