Net: A great victor…

Net: A great victory was won this weekend. And, no, we are not speaking of the Gophers painful embarrassment of the Badger hockey team. We instead speak of the removal of Colin Quinn as host of Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live. Does SNL still kinda suck? Sure. Did it suck exponentially more with Colin Quinn? Yes. Nothing drove the collective further from that show than Colin’s droning, evil-dipped, anti-humorous, terribly-timed, stiflingly unfunny “comedy.” Did you ever notice that THEY NEVER USED HIM IN ANOTHER SKETCH? Maybe because he is the LEAST FUNNY ENTITY IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE. Remember that time when you laughed so hard you crapped your pants, puked and then choked on the puke? Colin Quinn generally created the same effect, but without the laughing. He is (was) the antithesis of all things funny or clever. *Sigh* That felt good Á
From Communicating at 46,000 bps: Network, First, an apology, THIS LETTER HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PUBIC HAIR. Net: THEN BEGONE, FOOL! Second, whatthef** is up with all the chicks on this campus having boyfriends that live back home. Net: We like to call it “insurance” I mean really, what’s the point of a long distance relationship? Net: Maybe actually receiving mail besides Mailbox Values advertising cream that enhances breast size? The only reason girls are in them is so that ninety percent of the time they can pretend they don’t have boyfriends then, when that time comes and they decide it would be “totally cool” to have a boyfriend, they’ve got some total loser to fall back on. And another thing, back-home-boyfriends really ARE the biggest losers. Every one I’ve ever heard of has some lame-ass job mowing lawns or unclogging toilets. Net: You know how expensive lawn care or plumbing is? Date a plumber = free plumbing. Make sense? Nothing against lawn care providers or plumbing professionals, but grass cutters and pipe cleaners are supposed date bank tellers and secretaries, not college students. Basically Network, what it boils down to is, how the hell is a Gopher going to get with a beaver (shaved, of course), when all the beavers have boyfriends from other nests? (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

From evilbunny: Oh dear, fellow Networkians. Do none of you realize what the loss of A&E signifies? Net: No more free CDs? The proposed change is to turn A&E into a daily one-page deal. Where do you think those bastards are going to put it? Backtalk is one of the only full pages the Daily currently has that is sans advertisements. Do you honestly believe they’re going to sacrifice any of their sacred sports pages for the arts? Net: God forbid we not run a full-page advertisement about, which apparently now cures cancer NOOOO sirs and madams. They will take our Network away. They didn’t give the A&E fools any warning, what makes you think they won’t do it to Network? Net: We’re better at forging marketing surveys. Did you know that 110% of students read Network 5-6 times per day? For the sake of all that is pure and holy, or just for the Net, protest this unjust change. Stampede the Daily’s offices. While A&E may not have covered your boyfriend’s favorite band, Net: King Missile? The Buggles? they at least went beyond covering Creed. Save Network before it’s too late! Net: Don’t worry about us, as long as the crossword lives, Network shall live (we formed a union, ifyouknowwhatwe’resayin’)
From NuttySlapMcNutSlappyNutSlap: In response to Rencito I’d just like to say this has been a popular topic amongst our coed group of friends for about a year. Net: Do you prance around in bikinis? I’d like to take credit for starting the hardwood floors look amongst my friends when one night we were skinny dipping and I was letting people feel how smoooothe it was! Net: We think we saw that on Cinemax! Did you then take slow-motion showers while saxophone music played? Ever since then, my girls and I sport the hardwood floor look and they guys we come across much prefer it and so do we! As for the itching comment made by thatgirlwhoalwayswearssandals … once you do it long enough, it doesn’t itch anymore, take it from one who’s done it for 4 years!

From MANSTRENGTH: I have a message to send to those people who don’t feel compelled to “mow the lawn.” In fact, I’m fairly certain these are the same people who rarely have neighbors over in the frond yard. Net: These analogies get more confusing every day The reason I say this is because if they knew what it was like to eat a muffin or sausage and get they’re teeth flossed in the process, they would start “wackin’ the weeds.” Net: THE HELL? It is gross. Also, I really wish that the U would do something about profs who don’t speak English. I have learned a little bit of Foreign English (a derivation of the Anglo-Saxon language). In fact, I have compiled a dictionary to help the students here at the U cope with TAs and Profs who don’t speak English — “Oxfos Dictionawee.” It is concise. Only $49.95. A haiku to end it nicely:

Prof is a dumbass
Doesn’t speak English at all
Expects us to pass
From thatboy: Oh dear Network, where have the days of old gone? Net: Back when Roller-Racers ruled the landscape? Before the scooter scourge? I remember when I used to read about the civil discussions of squirrels, frat boys, and the freshman girls strutting up and down University trying to get into a party. Net: “Do you guys, like, have beer here?” What happened to your hallowed column that you are forced to print such crap as that provided by Rencito and all the worthless replies to his worthless drivel? Not everyone wants to read about that NUT. Net: The previous statement is incorrect. Everybody enjoys talking about pubic hair Come on, let’s put more intelligent ideas forward in this forum, like the discussion of the best crappers, or scooter people, or stupid bands. Outie.