Testosterone, homophobia are indicators of machismo

by Sean Madigan

A team of researchers at the University’s Academic Health Center discovered a link between “Mucho Macho” male traits and extremely high levels of testosterone and even homophobia. Their findings will be published today in the New England Journal of Medicine.
“I really think we’re on to something big here,” said Dr. Jim Steele, a professor in the University’s Department of Cellular Biology and Neuroanatomy. “Who would have guessed 10 years ago that weight lifting, wearing Zubaz and chewing Kodiak would lead to all this gay bashing?”
Steele and his research associate Dr. Linda Lexicon, a professor of behavioral biology, studied more than 1,500 males nationwide. The team measured subjects’ proclivity to engage in certain types of macho behavior, and to what degree of danger.
“Are they born that way?” Lexicon pontificated. “No, but their behavior is certainly encouraged by others with similar primate-like social characteristics.
Steele and Lexicon found several specific cultural objects and activities to badly influence macho behavior. Most of the these objects or activities have been ingrained in the minds of macho males from a very early age, and deemed “OK,” Lexicon said.
“Far and away the most detrimental activity for young men to engage in has to be high school wrestling,” Steele explained. “They are given completely mixed messages. On one side, they are told to dominate in a homoerotic sport while on the mat. But then, they are told to shed their sexually frustrated aggression when the buzzer sounds.”
Lexicon said coaches and fellow students support and foster the young boys’ homophobia.
“They are always being tested, forced to prove their machismo,” Lexicon said. “That simply is not healthy.”
The study cites several other activities that, although less damaging than wrestling, are still quite harmful. Weight lifting, cock fighting, arm wrestling and drag racing were all found to be particularly harmful. When men participate in these activities, Lexicon said testosterone levels soar to dangerous heights.
The study also addresses what the researches consider an important myth.
“Oftentimes people believe that men who weightlift excessively, have Mustangs parked on blocks on their lawn and wear B.U.M. Equipment sweat shirts with the sleeves cut off are compensating for an inadequacy,” Steele said. “But the truth is, these men have the same size genitals as everyone else. They are just under the misconception that their genitals need to be huge,” he explained.
University student Staph Zick dismisses the researchers’ findings.
“I drink Pabst, go tanning and kick a little ass on the weekend because that’s what chicks want,” Zick said. “I’m wearing tight black jeans right now and, as you can see, the bulge indicates I don’t have to compensate for shit,” he said while gesturing that he was holding an imaginary telephone pole with his hands.
Shortly after the interview, Zick threatened to “pummel” the Daily photographer because his shirt was light blue.