Editors note:

We here at the Daily take our jobs very seriously. This professionalism is one reason why the 98-year-old Daily is the world’s largest and nation’s most honored college newspaper.
The other reason is that we don’t take things too seriously.
Daily reporters and editors alike spend thousands of hours on the phone, on the road and on the computer gathering the news to inform and entertain you, the reader. Through a stringent process, the student journalists decide what is and isn’t newsworthy enough to be published in the Daily.
With the stress of finals week among us all, the editors thought we’d let reporters do their jobs without having to worry about stories being newsworthy. This year’s spring finals issue contains the most unnewsworthy stories we could think of. In fact, we don’t even care that the previous sentence ended in a preposition. This isn’t English class anyway; this is journalism.
In order to gather the enclosed stories, we simply told reporters to over-dramatize ordinary, everyday events. Reporters wrote their stories as if our readers would die if they hadn’t heard the news. Furthermore, the world’s end just might be signaled by all radio stations continuously playing R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of the World.”
So, because the Daily does not support people dying for not reading the news, we have given you the most life-saving news we could muckrake.
Some of the quotes and names within the stories are altered or fabricated to spice up the news. Also, some of the photos have been manipulated to further entertain your eyes.
Think of the issue as a hybrid of The Onion and The Enquirer. Or don’t think at all, just read and enjoy. After all, it’s finals week, and you shouldn’t think anymore than you have to. Hah, another prepositional ending, and we don’t care.
From all of us at the Daily, we wish you a successful — and yet goofy — finals week. Peace and go Gophers.
— Nick Doty