MSA — THE FINAL CHAPTER
Net: And as we head down the stretch, we print our final MSA entries. We begin with our esteemed correspondent.
From The Network Political Correspondent: The elections start tomorrow, and still no one’s excited but the candidates and their parents. Here’s my last report as Network Political Correspondent. Pity the campaigns didn’t do anything worth writing about this year.
Nicholson/Anderson:
Change: None.
Comments: Stop writing on things with your colored chalk! I know that you need to have work to keep your sorority supporters busy, but can’t you just have them use their magic markers to make some really colorful signs that you never quite get around to hanging? I know that’s how Murphy kept her cadre busy last year.
Miller/Sanders:
Change: Down 1 point.
Comments: Just because you got the Daily endorsement doesn’t mean that I have to like you. In fact, you hit a new low when you presented your vision of MSA as a student networking hub. Those who care are already involved and those that aren’t involved are that way because they don’t care. Sanders: nice work attaching the term “grassroots” to your name in Thursday’s Daily — tap that Ramen promo.
Kubista/Ferguson:
Change: Down 1 point.
Comments: How can you be a different MSA? All MSA presidents officially voice the same falsehoods: 1. The MSA president has sway over the direction MSA takes. 2. Students will believe that you don’t just want this for your resume. 3. The students want an active MSA and are dying for a leader that will bring it to them.
MSA presidents fall into two groups: Those too foolish to realize they’re spouting drivel (Helen Phin) and those sly enough to pull off the act, making it look like they believe it (Jigar Madia, Matt Musel). If you’re not the latter, you’re the former, cause we’ve heard the same tripe from you already.
Altaf/Hsu:
Change: None.
Comments: For God’s sake, do something! All I’ve seen are some bland posters and a little chalk. Speaking of which, was the white-only chalk another condition for College Republican support, or is it just easy to get from classrooms?
Bye, all. I had fun — see you next year. Net: And thanks, Network Political Correspondent, for your consistently insightful, entertaining handicapping of the official candidates. Of course, the dark horses always run come election time as well, bringing us to our alternative candidate endorsement:
From MSA Hate Monger: I would just like to say that I think that the MSA elections are a joke. That is why I am putting my vote behind the Tarver-Spicoli ticket. I think they could do a much better job and accomplish more than all of the past presidents and vice presidents combined.
Also, a big problem in the past has been extreme voter apathy. I believe that if Tarver-Spicoli are elected that voter apathy can be eradicated.
From Dreadnought: I have no particular interest in who it is we elect as our new MSA figurehead, but I do have some ideas as to what I’d like to see happen in this election:
Coming off the treacherous reign of Jigar “The Trigger” Madia, the student body is thirsting for change. In a desperate attempt at reform, we elect a radical, but seemingly promising candidate.
Shortly after taking office, his/her socialist rhetoric continues as he/she quietly gains control over most of the administration. By the time the student body is aware of these secret dealings, he/she has already usurped Yudof and is in full control of the University.
The MSA is immediately dissolved and his/her first course of action is to implement the systematic genocide of all cheeseheads. Stripped of all basic human rights, the cheeseheads are forced to wear humiliating yellow and green G’s on their clothes to signify that they are to be denied any privileges at the University. Net: So, is this charismatic leader a National socialist? Because the Holocaust humor isn’t working for ya. The tyriny Net: And neither is your spell-check. will continue until he becomes increasingly obsessed with collecting religious artifacts until Indiana Jones catches him and bullwhips that tiny mustache off his face. Net: We don’t know — we think you’re getting carried away. But we like the bullwhip idea. Now, moving on to …
THE NEXT EPIC STRUGGLE
From The Squirrel Fighter: It is time to invade Parking Services and beat the University on its own ground. I have an exam so I’ll make this quick: I’ll need any vehicle on campus that is capable of escaping the Huron Boulevard lots over the curbs, anyone who drives a bus, and yes, even NITWIT. Net: ! We will capture the Huron lots, carpool lots, dorm contract lots and most importantly, the ramps which are the staging point for every fee increase on the lots. P.S. Five bucks to anyone who names the person and the movie I’m taking this from. Net: The challenge has been made, and we have the power to bring people together. Anyone for a trivia competition? If so, we have a wealth of options, from Squirrel Fighter‘s challenge to the MSA elections. So much frolicking in the spring. We will carry on.
