From WeePeePee, the incorrigible: So I just got back from Chapel Hill yesterday, having visited some of my conformist frat-brat brothers from the South. Net: Well Zippity Doo-Dah, brother. I toured the campus of UNC, observing the lush overhanging trees, the mansion-esque frat houses, which have their own cul-de-sacs, and screaming hordes of nubile, young coeds. Net: Jump down, turn around, pick-a-bail-o’-cotton! Fortunately, I did not have any unpleasant issues regarding speeding tickets or wallet theft, unlike my excursion to Pittsburgh earlier this year. Net: Pittsburgh stinks. Sorry, PA, but it’s true. Still, the entire experience has left me a tad melancholy. As I watched those people cavorting around on the quad, I realized I blew a major opportunity of my life by settling for the University. Instead of saving my money and selling a lung, I decided to go to school on the cheap and I wound up here. What do I get in return for my investment? No parking, eyesore buildings like the Weisman and the I-Don’t-Know-What-The-Hell-That-Thing-is-alumni-center, the weather is terrible and the classes are filled with room after room of ugly, UGLY people. Despite the fact that I have only a year left, and I finally managed to completely alter my personality in order to properly fit into my fraternity, I have decided to move down south. Net: Damned carpetbagger. You’ll get yours, Yankee. Granted I will have to learn to tolerate that fascist Jesse Helms, but I think that is a small price to pay for bliss. I was not even going to return for my underwear and CDs, but I realized that I had to come back in order to free the rest of you from the tyranny of this school and lead you all to the promised land. Throw down your shackles, give Yudof the bird (“The bird?” “You know, the finger” “Yes I know the finger, Goose” — from “Top Gun”) and join me in this Exodus toward the land of milk and honeys. The date is set for Sept. 23 (my birthday) and I shall keep you posted on necessary info, where to get cheap moving vans, pot connections around Chapel Hill, etc. Mark Yudof: Let My People GO!!!!! If you try to stop us, I shall unleash plague after plague of beer-guzzling, khaki-wearing frat boys in A&F hats, wielding half-empty kegs and pamphlets illustrating “Why Greeks are Great!” We are God’s chosen students and we will be free!!!!!!!!!!!! More to follow …
From Rollerdiva: Hi Net! I sure did miss you! Net: The feeling is mutual, we’re sure. Did you go to the Loring block party? If you did, that was me running around in the flaming crotch bikini all covered in mud. Net: We heard you like it dirty … My job at the block party was to kiss people in the kissing booth, but once they started mud rasslin’ I just HAD to jump in and dirty up my boss.
I totally kicked his ass, too! Yee haw! Net: Somebody contact GLOW; wethinks we have a ringer. Oh, I just have so much to tell you and goshes, I don’t know where to start. Oh — yes I do! DON’T DO LSD!! I’m on the level with Psycho, I mean everyone should do drugs before they finish college, but just not LSD. It’s such a loser hippie drug. You know about hippies, right? They don’t wash, comb their hair or score hot chicks. They smell like patchouli, say “yeah, man” all the time and, if they don’t drop out, they become philosophy professors. Yucky! Net: It’s all true, but their music ROCKS. If you wanna do drugs, do something you can stick up your nose, like crystal methamphetimines! Especially if you wanna party AND get all your homework done. Honestly, there is no better combination then a healthy social life and thriving sexy grades, and speed is so the obvious choice for all you extra sexy workaholic IT boys; it really helps with your motivation. I mean, since I quit speed (don’t worry, I’ll be back in the saddle soon enough) I haven’t been able to clean my room. See?! I’ve also been doing really weird things since I quit, like listening to Brittany Spears, Net: Baby baby, you’re killing us dressing conservatively, buying Backstreet Boys albums, fantasizing about a three-bedroom, one-and-a-half-bath home in Sunfish Lake with a two-door garage, marrying and baptizing my children with good Catholic names, Net: Too bad none start with K driving them to and from soccer practice and piano lessons and cheating on my six-figure income husband, who probably will be 10 years my senior, with my personal trainer from Bally’s Swim and Fitness. Net: We’re in the wrong line of work. And UP two three four, onWAAAARD!
From The Dutch Master: So there I was, thumbing through the menu at Perkins the other night, when I came across an interesting revelation: Though coffee is sold in a bottomless cup, hot cocoa is not! Net: What were you doing drinking cocoa in June? How can this be? Don’t coffee and cocoa both come from beans? Don’t beans make the world go ’round? Why can a non-caffeine person not receive a drink in a bottomless cup? Net: The Minister of Concurrence, a veteran of the Denny’s serving floor, would have something to say about this. Oh, Minister?
MOC: Yes?
Net: Why is hot cocoa not bottomless at restaurants?
MOC: It is; servers just tell you it’s not because it’s a pain in the ass to make.
Net: There you have it.
The solution is a restaurant for the college student. The menu will be strikingly similar to Perkins with some notable exceptions: 1) the hot cocoa bottomless cup, 2) honey mustard on the side of everything … including the hot cocoa, and 3) pictures on the menu will actually be dorm food so when the meal comes, everyone is pleasantly surprised. The first problem I ran across in the production of this restaurant is a name. I racked my brain and came up with, for the lack of creativity, the name “Ferkins.” It will be a wonderful place to be and I hope everyone visits. I will send updates as to my progress. Net: Very good. Too bad all the waitstaff will be endlessly cranky … of course, if you work at Perkins, you were probably cranky in the first place …
… see you Friday.