Networkians are spe…

Networkians are speaking, and so far, sentiments are seriously swayed athwart of the Coffman Union renovation. All those in favor, say: “Peep?” Here’s a sampling of the truculent rejoinder:

From PissOnCoffman: Hi, I would just like to let it be known that I WOULD RATHER KEEP MY MONEY, instead of giving it to that worthless place known as Coffman Union!! The way I see it, I have about three years left in this hell-hole, Net: So … you enrolled in ’93? so figuring in the Coffman Union fees I would be paying to “student services,” I will have dished out almost $300 bucks for a “dyno-mite hangout” Net: Easy, Jimmy Walker that I know I will never want to use, or get to use (people seem to be forgetting that fact that the construction companies the University hires take about twice as long as predicted), so most likely, it won’t be finished until long after I graduate from this damn place. So, being a student who must actually have a job while at school, I must go now and WORK for about a month, take my paycheck, throw it in the toilet, piss on it and then flush it down!! Net: Just don’t do it where PeeWee has been. Because that is about what I would get out of it if my hard-earned money goes towards Coffman Union.

From Destitute: Hi Net. In reply to FeesCommitteeGuy, I am so sick of spending my free time donating plasma so I can afford to buy Ramen noodles. Net: Try donating sperm for rice cakes. More gratifying. I think you should assess fees per ability to pay, that way I won’t be forced to rob the parking attendants to pay rent. Seriously, if the Coffman Union renovation includes a parking ramp and student housing, why aren’t the revenues from these structures being considered to help pay for the renovation? Net: Those funds are for marigolds, you silly rabbit! We should have access to this revenue as well, or will this be sent to Parking and Transportation Services, and to Housing and Residential Life? Why should we be forced to fill their coffers with our blood money?
From LukeDuke: Hello, Network. Net: Hey, cousin! I have a bit of a problem and I’ll keep it short. I lost my “Dukes of Hazzard” watch in the Tate Lab of Physics building on Feb. 9. Net: You dipstick! Since no one reads the classifieds under lost and found, I figured I would send the message to you. Net: Boss! Since most of the Institute of Technology students read Network, Net: Yeah, except they preferred “Airwolf” this gives me the best chance of getting it back. If this doesn’t help me find the watch, at least it will give y’all a chance to make fun of my favorite show. I am enclosing contact information to pass on to whomever may have found the watch. Net: And we’ve buried it in a barn in the next county! Ha haaa!
Thank you very much.


From: Dr. Nick, Wronger of Rights, Avenger of Evil: Dear Thoroughly Disgusting, if you think Phlegm of Discontent‘s letter about Bangladesh is “the most ignorant, tasteless, tactless and incredibly stupid piece of writing” you have ever laid eyes on, you obviously didn’t read your own submission. In fact, the only reason I can conceive of how your letter was even written was that you blindfolded yourself and mashed at the keyboard with your Simian fists, thus proving the “thousand monkeys typing for a thousand years” hypothesis. It’s not Shakespeare, but at least it’s a prehensile form of English.
Phlegm is no Abercrombie-and-Fitch-wearing leech on his parents. I know him. He’s one of the hardest-working people I know, and I work 60 hours a week to pay for school. Net: Which makes you … the second hardest-working? And that beats the hell out of skimming the proceeds from the Dog Wash to Save Fern Gully, you hippie piece of crap. Net: Thoroughly called Phlegm a xenophobe; you’re calling Thoroughly a hippie? Do you people all know each other, and aren’t telling us?
I hate the A&F crowd as much as the next guy, but at least their clothes are classy and display a modicum of personal hygiene, which is more than I can say for your unwashed hempen shirt and rainbow suspenders holding up your patchwork pants with strawberry wine stains, all liberally doused with patchouli oil. Here’s a hint: Patchouli doesn’t cover up the pot, especially when it bleeds out into your writing like that. Why don’t you just shut the hell up?
Net: Ooo look! A double-whammy from the horse’s mouth!

From Phlegm of Discontent: It seems I must provide some clarification about my previous entry. I’ll type real slow so everyone can keep up. A) I have never worn Abercrombie and Fitch at any time. All I can afford is the cheap, generic stuff they sell at Target. Net: Hey, nothin’ wrong with Honors and B.U.M Equipment. 2) Mommy and Daddy are not contributing to my mounting college costs. Thanks to the wonders of having three jobs, several academic scholarships and grants and loans from Uncle Sam (who owns me now), I can just barely pay for college tuition with enough left over to pay for rent, food and cheap clothing. And third, any biologist can attest to the fact that I need billions of brain cells just to survive, much less think coherently. Maybe it was my lack of brain cells that made my previous entry unclear. After all, I’m only a physics geek, not an English major. Maybe it’s my fault that Thoroughly Disgusted took it seriously and failed to see the sarcastic humor (albeit dry and not particularly funny).
Net: Warning: More sarcasm coming!
Obviously, Network is merely a reprisal of the editorial page, and not the forum for humor and random chatter I took it to be. My mistake. What I really meant to say was “Nuke Iraq, burn the sacred Indian burial trees, and bomb the whales, but please, won’t anyone think of the children?” Hope this clears things up for ya. Net: It does. Tomorrow: nothing of real value. Peas.