Garth beats Jesus at the Target Center

As a performer, it’s pretty impressive to sell out the Target Center. It’s pretty damn impressive to sell out the Target Center for two straight nights. You must have some devoted fans and some great stage presence.
What would it take to sell out the Target Center for nine straight nights? A pack of maniacal, obsessive fans with no real grasp on reality and a couple of twin brothers or an entourage of engineers and scientists put together in a small room to concoct a pudgy, robotic southerner.
Garth Brooks, a man known for his twangy country music craftsmanship and energetic live shows, began his stint at the Target Center on Tuesday night and won’t depart until he has whined and drawled his way through nine embarrassing nights of running around with a guitar and a telemarketer’s headphone system, climbing up rails and various other stage props.
In this day and age, when a man can get on prime time network television for setting the record for the most live worms ever consumed in one sitting — it takes a lot to amaze me — and even more to make me worry about the entertainment value of certain products.
Jesus, the Son of God, the Almighty would struggle selling out the Target Center for nine straight evenings. Maybe if Aerosmith opened. Maybe. At 18,000-plus people a night for nine nights, that is a shitload of people.
I don’t think that many people even visit Mecca for more than a week and a half anymore.
To make matters worse, the governor of our state gave Oct. 6 to Garth. When you think of the great men and women of this country, or Minnesota alone, who do not have a day allotted to them, it seems quite pathetic. But then again, maybe it seems fitting.
I doubt that many people even voted for Gov. Arne Carlson. Perhaps he was attempting to dip into Jesse “The Body” Ventura’s well of political backing for the Republican party’s sake. The gun-toting, tobacco-chewing crowd has always produced an outstanding voter turnout.
Selling out the nine shows in three hours, my main man Mr. Brooks set a world record. As his fans proclaim, he is the “greatest entertainer in the world right now.” My vote is split between the worm guy and David Hasselhoff, with a close second to Xena the Warrior Princess.
For those of you who locked yourselves in your linen closet the day tickets went on sale, hundreds of avid fans could be seen in the metro area sporting white Ticketmaster bracelets, their claim to entertainment history. As the herds wandered about, the stampings resembled those on the backside of cattle being corralled for slaughter.
When the rancher takes stage tonight and I snuggle up to a good book on American immigration, I can only imagine the heavenly mixture of pure excitement and the stench of Miller High Life dancing in the Target Center stratosphere.
So, unless the G-Man walks on water or cures one of his fan’s cases of bleeding gums and tooth decay on stage, I think I’ll save my money for the second coming.

Andy Donohue is a senior reporter for The Minnesota Daily.