TEN-HUT!

From Perella: Mr. Net, Net: “Mister” seems so formal. How about “buddy,” or “pal,” or “love cushion?” people around here talk about how everything sucks, but you know what really sucks? Net: Anyone who traipses across Networkia on even a semi-regular basis knows what we were prepared to say, so we’ll leave it alone. People. Every single day people bicker and complain about how their life is the hardest ever: “Oh, I spilled my drink on my textbook,” or, “I have to write a three-page report by next week Tuesday!” Net: “Ow! You severed my carotid artery with a rusty farm implement!” Whiners. Seriously, get over it. People should learn how to deal with their problems without having to bit@## about it to everyone. Net: Watch it, slugger … you might put us out of a job. But then, some might think that’s a good thing. Like, say, Ted, one of our “faithful.” If they think their life is tough, look at that guy who’s working overtime, goes to school full time … and has three kids to support. Net: Oh, and he has anger-management issues and a moderately serious drinking problem. But still, he’s good people. That’s a hard life, and I’d be willing to bet that he doesn’t go home and say to his wife, “Dammit, my life sucks!” He gets his life together, understands it’s his life and that’s how he keeps going. Net: Gentle Networkians, please welcome Dr. Laura Schlesinger, purveyor of all things oversimplified. My advice to the populus: Stop complaining and do your damn work. Net: And smile, dammit, or you’ll get what’s comin’ to ya.

CALLING ALL ‘GIRLS’

From Butter Luv D: Alright, What the blanch is up with the half-assed Gophers fans now?! Net: The more pressing question, we believe, is what the blanch is with blanch?
We beat No. 2 Penn State for chrissakes, and as of Tuesday, only about 36,000 seats are sold. Net: Beating No. 2 … isn’t that kinda like conquering Canada? What gives? I know Minnesota fans are fair-weather, but looking outside, it’s 75 degrees, the Gophers are 6-3 heading to a bowl. Net: Call us when golf season is over. I realize about half of you girls out there are more concerned with recovering from Friday-night hangovers or doing your homework or makeup or whatever it is you girls do when normal people are watching football on Saturday morning. Net: Perhaps they’re cooking or just walking around barefoot and pregnant. You know, girl stuff. But COME ON. Even if you don’t like football, you should get up early, get drunk, go to the Dome and make a social event out of it. Net: And while you’re there, chuck pennies at Sid Hartman. He’s the one who spends half the time swearing, half the time cheering. Oh, and he’s insane (in a cute grandfatherly way, of course). There will be plenty of guys (like myself, smoother than smooth Butter Luv D) Net: Indeed, you seem as smooth as a creamy gravel and glass-shard stew who you can meet and talk to during the game. So everyone, get out of your dorms, apartments, houses and walk your ass to the ticket office. They even lowered ticket prices for this game. Net: All you have to do is show them your … never mind. And come on, girls, prove me wrong.

DELIGHTFUL DISCIPLE

From Lemuel’s Disciple: (I apologize in advance … this might end up offending many.) Net: Oh, thank you for the disclaimer. That will soothe the concerns of many an irate reader. There has been quite a bit of complaining recently in Network about lack of topics and how stale Network has become. Well, I hope to offer up a few insights that hopefully will get some people stirring.
1) Is anybody else really fed up with these bucktoothed women outside Coffman and on the mall whose only knowledge of the English language is “Escuse meeeeee, do you have meenute?” so they can try to sucker you into taking their stupid-ass survey? Net: And there’s the answer to Question No. 1: How do you feel about multiculturalism? This crap has been going on for a month now, and I can’t even count the number of times I have been stopped in my tracks and been annoyed by these ignorant, bothersome, clipboard-toting wenches. Net: Ten bucks says that if they were six-foot-tall, fully rackified blondes, you would think the accent was cute.
2) My God in heaven, can somebody please stop the B.O. coming from Tate lab? Net: We can’t let hygiene stand in the way of scientific progress. You think Edison took a shower? You think Einstein brushed his teeth? No! They were filthy, but they were smart, so we just let ’em be! I mean, you can smell that s##!t all the way up to Nicholson! Net: Are you sure you’re not smelling Mark Dienhart and Mac Boston’s asses in the frying pan?
3) Speaking of God, can he please put away the nice weather for one simple reason: If the weather starts to suck, ol’ Brother Bill, our own Wednesday preacher on the Mall, will pack up and head back to his world of staring at a cross all day, not showing any sign of romanticism toward his wife and trying to keep his hand out of his “masturbation is a one-way ticket to hell” Net: With a layover in damn-that-feels-good pants.
4) For those of you out there thinking that the Gophers’ bowl game will be in Miami … hit yourself over the head with a tack-hammer Net: Didn’t Tack Hammer do the theme from “Miami Vice”? because you are a RETARD … see you in Tampa. Net: Oh, gee. Tampa instead of Miami. Boo-freakin’-hoo.
5) Finally: Most overrated band in history: Beatles and Metallica (tie). Most underrated band in history: Gary Lewis and the Playboys, and Jimmie’s Chicken Shack (tie). Net: OK … Prince is still safe. And he better damn well stay that way.