Net: We promised yo…

Net: We promised you fascists and frats, and here they are. Peruse these entries — cherish them, because after today they’re gone, at least for awhile. We hereby announce a MORATORIUM ON FRATERNITY-RELATED LETTERS that will last until March 17th — on St. Patrick’s day, go nuts. Regarding fascism, we sense that this debate will go sterile really fast — but if you’d like to branch out (in the tradition of the fasces), go ahead. We prize diversity.

From 1/5/92: So, here I sit on in the beloved foyer of my fraternity house, drinking my daily 24-pack of beer and ashing my cigarette all over my course books.
This I do, of course, because I’m a frat boy. And I didn’t come to college to study, or get an education, or to further enhance my life in any way, shape or form. No sir! I came to college to fork over thousands of bones to simply live a night life, with lots of beer and women. Not to mention pay for friends I could never have had.
The truth from an active fraternity member (insider, two years exp): Let’s talk seriously here — I came to the U to get an education. That is why I am here.
The purpose of this letter is NOT to fuel the never-ending debate of greek vs. non-greek students. My intent on this is to send a message to all fellow greeks, who more or less already know what I’m going to say. TO ALL GREEKS OUT THERE, I OFFER YOU THIS SENTIMENT: I know at times it’s frustrating to read dampened, biased, uninformed opinions. The truth of the matter is, anyone who is too closed-minded to find out what the greek system is really about is the one who is missing out. NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS, the activities, exchanges, brotherhood/sisterhood and lifelong memories that we all have go unparalleled in any other organization around. If non-greek students want to live in “Virtual Hollywood” and believe that greeks are all about alcohol, then let them.
To all non-greeks, bear in mind. Greeks and non-greeks all share the same goal: education. Just as the actions of an idiot fraternity member alter the greek system’s image, the idiotic words of a non-greek alter what students believe about non-greeks. Net: So there. Nuff said — for about a month, at least. All right, everyone? Time for attention. Ach-tung!!!


From Pooh: This message is being sent to reply to the boneheaded Bony Billy. I am not sure where you learned your history, but there is yet to be a fascist regime that ruled without using terror. Maybe I should remind you of the history not only of fascism, but of our country.
You cite Germany as the only “bad” fascist state — however, I have never heard of a good one. First, let me remind you of the Black Shirts used in Italy to instill fear into the people. Innocent people were slaughtered — was this worth the supposed equal rights? Second, you call Spain the greatest of all fascist nations, yet you call Germany a horrible dictatorship. Well, the facts point out that Spain in the 1930s and 40s was nothing more than a puppet of the Nazi Party.
Spain brings me to my second point, that you are obviously ungrateful for what our grandparents did for us. They willingly fought to stop your wonderful Italy from ruling the world with Germany. Their deaths allowed your existence. I feel sorry for all of America’s dead heroes of WWII who are rolling in their graves because of your disgraceful article.

From The Fan: Hey Bony Billy, How about the TOP TEN REASONS WHY FASCISM WOULD SUCK:
10) Couldn’t write into college newspaper to voice opinion about government.
9) News would be slanted to what government wanted public to hear (i.e., Bill Clinton had an affair with Hillary).
8) Lack of obedience by society might result in punishment by cattle prod.
7) Would have to submit to excellent rulers (such as Adolf something, So-and-So Hussein, Maybe Mussolini — a.k.a. nice guys).
6) Be forced to read stimulating autobiographical literature about our ruler’s struggles. Net: Instead we have “Breaking Barriers” by Clem Haskins.
5) Oral sex would be illegal in certain provinces (like Minnesota, oops!).
4) Minimum wage might equal maximum wage.
3) Racism would flare up like athlete’s foot in a men’s locker room.
2) We would draw comparisons to Germany and Italy around the time of WWII.
1) Have to compete with world power like Spain. Net: Which might have been cool 100 years ago, but is now incredibly passe.

From That Guy: I was moved by Bony Billy‘s letter clarifying and defending fascism. It got me thinking about another great institution ruined by racism. I’m talking, of course, about slavery. Now the Constitution prohibits slavery when it is not a punishment for a crime, but there is nothing to stop us from using prisoners as slave labor.
Just think of the grand old days of the chain gang: hot, sweaty men in shackles, spending a night in the box, eating all those eggs, the gentlemanly lifestyle of the guards — ahh, the memories! It goes beyond that, however — we could be selling off white-collar criminals as domestic servants. I’d like an inside-trader as my personal valet and maybe a tax-evader for my gardener.
The state could auction them off to raise money for something or other, maybe a stadium or something. Celebrities would of course bring a pretty penny.
I’d have Christian Slater as my chauffeur, and — I’ve changed my mind — I’d like Woody Harrelson for my gardener.
With fascism and slavery back, we could embark on a kinder and gentler 19th century. Of course there are more lost traditions that should be looked into: the leper colony, the scarlet letter, the pillory, summary execution (currently being revived in Texas), castrati choirs and, of course, child labor.
This could be the start of something revolutionary — let’s build a guillotine!