Net: HOORAY! We get…

Net: HOORAY! We get a vacation! Enjoy our guest writer! But, please, don’t forget about us Á we won’t forget about you Á

Ogie: As I sit here munching on my complimentary 1 oz. Bag of Doritos and sifting through a pile of letters, the Collective sleeps off a night of cheap beer, bad drink deals and pierced people. With that said, I give you today’s Network. Enjoy!

From Ned_Braden: This letter is for Ogie Ogilthorpe, the winner of that little Super Crazy Net Search. I just have a few things to ask Ogie and to say to him. First of all Ogie, how was the last girl on the pinwheel in the ICEtravaganza? And I know you’ve had a trying rookie season. What with the litigation, the notoriety, your subsequent deportation to Canada and that country’s refusal to accept you, well I guess that’s more than most 18 year olds Ogie: 21 Á watch the movie again can handle. But seriously, you are the biggest goon in hockey today and you belong in San Quentin. You need to learn to play old time hockey, like Eddy Shore. It’s people like you who are corrupting the game of hockey. If you keep that up, the game will be played by no one but actors and punks Ogie: Hey! There will be no more talk of SCSU or UMD hockey in this network. But that’s beside the point. Congratulations on the win Ogie, and I’ll buy ya’ a soda after the game. Ogie: Thanks! Net was too cheap to splurge for a drink to go with these stale Doritos For all you readers out there who are unfamiliar with the movie, “Slap Shot,” this letter probably doesn’t make any sense to you. Ogie: Rent the movie and watch it over and over again. Watch it until you can recite it just like Ned_Braden.

From PAKman: I must gripe yet again! Are you trying to tell me that you have nothing better to print than nauseous letters from computer lab attendants who actually believe some random girl in a parking lot is going to be taken by a guy who hands out printouts for a living? Who has to keep a straight face with listening to “Oh I forgot to save this document and my computer froze, “What do I do now?” thirty times a day and whose idea of fun is partaking in a fantastical role-playing game online for eight hours at a time so he can get a virtual sword thereby allowing him to kick some other pimply-faced geek’s ass. Ogie: Not anymore. Now we print letters from someone who’s name resembles a video game with a circle that opens and closes making little dots disappear while trying not to get caught by something that looks like an upside down garbage bag. Think right and get serious! On a more serious note, I think Pearl Jam, Creed and whatever other band people are usually biatchin’ about all suck camel dick. Holla out to my heroes, Dre, Snoop and Eminem! Ogie: Word. Oh, by the way, what the hell happened to the Dr. Date soiree in Weisman this year? There goes my only chance to put the mac down on freshman ho’s!

From SNARG: Hey net, rehashing old Dr. Date columns is kind of like bringing back g-curl, but for some reason the Daily drones are getting off on it, so since we all have to endure his coma-inducing column, let’s take the opportunity to rip him apart. Did anyone read yesterday’s letter about the girlfriend whose boyfriend had a small penis? Ogie: From the tone of this letter I think we found the mystery boyfriend. It was a straightforward question, but Dr. Date became rather defensive … which leads me to the inescapable conclusion that his cock is microscopic! Another reason that Dr. Date is a stupid woman and should rot in hell (or Skokie, Illinois). All women are stupid, by the way, so I guess the term “stupid woman” is tautological. Ogie: Ladies Á a response? Creed smells like ass. Ogie: Incorrect

From Screech, the Gopher hockey fanatic: So I’m sitting at home, watching the WWF pay-per-screw on Sunday night with a friend, Ogie: They were smellin’ what The Rock was cookin’ and it’s between matches, so I figure I’ll turn on MSC and catch the score of the Gophers’ exhibition game against the Russkies. Ogie: Wrestling and Gophers hockey; God bless America. So I pull up the picture-in-picture window and flip it to MSC and I see black. Nothing. Not a NUTtin’ thing. Not even static. Ogie: Communist censorship I say “screw it” and go back to watching ‘The good, the bad, and the expensive.’ After that’s over, my friend heads home and I go to bed. But on Monday morning, I flip my cable over to MSC to see if they’ve fixed the problem, and the answer is obviously “NO”, since the screen is still black as night. So anyway, I was wondering if anyone else had this problem. Ogie: Anyone who writes in will be letting everyone know that they weren’t at the game and are not the loyal hockey fans they should be. Maybe it was MSC’s fault, maybe my cable provider (thank you corporate conglomerations), or maybe my cable boxes (unlikely, since I have two and both had the same problem). All I know is that I’m ticked off, and I’m begging: DON’T MESS WITH GOLDEN GOPHER HOCKEY COVERAGE! Ogie: HOCKEY!

From NerdNotGeek: I had no idea that you had such excellent taste in TV shows Ogie: Net forgot The Simpsons, but your listing of Junkyard Wars as kicking some serious ass brought joy to me like no normal worldly force could. In class today (I only go because that’s where I can find partially completed crossword puzzles) I was thinking about what could possibly be the best thing that the University could do with its money. We enlightened ones (the ones watching Junkyard Wars) know what a tremendously awesome show it is and what high ratings it could bring in, so why not cash in? Screw simply purchasing a new showboat, I say we have two teams combine classics of past Junkyard Wars and make amphibious, cannon-toting, demolition-savvy showboats! Ogie: How ’bout a football stadium that does all that? Lets see those Badgers top that. What glorious bodge-o-rama on the high seas this would be! Of course Robert Llewellyn and that intriguing British chick Cathy Rogers would host, but you would certainly be the expert brought in to oversee the competition. Ogie: As soon as they sober up they’ll be honored. The winning showboat can be used by theater department to gather the revenue needed to pay off the cost of a couple of the rolls of duct tape used in the show, and the royalties TLC will pay can pay for the rest of the production, plus provide enough money to build you your own mansion — “Netcliff.” Ogie: ‘Netcliff,’ a true paradise Oh my wordy wordy, it’d be perfect.
Ogie: Well, it looks like my time has come to an end. I must pull myself away from the power and return it to Net for tomorrow. Have a nice day!