ALF CREATURES GREAT AND SMALL
From Crackbunny: Congratulations to ALF on their heroic release of the poor, helpless (and let’s not forget domesticated) lab animals from the University this week. Net: Yes, graduation is just around the corner. I must also bow down to your senseless disregard of property, and the destruction of years of scientific research. Net: Not since the explosion of both Death Stars have we seen such a thing. However, as outstanding as your mission was, it was incomplete. I have to tell you … *shhhhh!* … there are a bunch of helpless animals kept behind glass in the Bell Museum. From what I can tell, they also ‘live’ in appalling conditions. They are never fed, and their cages are never cleaned. I doubt any of them have seen a vet in years, and I can’t believe they get enough exercise (or air) in those enclosures. Worst of all, they are held in place by wire, glue and nails. Please rescue these poor creatures, and then we all can go for a non-alcoholic beer together. There WAS a mouse in the Physics building that ran over my foot in lecture I was going to tell you about but … I ah … liberated it myself.
With my shoe.

From Freedom Fighter: Students, Faculty, Administration and citizens of Minnesota unite! We are being held hostage by fear. It’s time for us to rise up and fight the evil monster known as ALF. I have already taken the initiative and created a plan for us to use in dealing with these varmint-lovers. For every research animal stolen and every dollar worth of vandalism committed, each one of us should torture two varmints. Net: Or just Russ Archambault. We shall strike back two-fold with the very thing they wish to end. Why, I have already started: Just today I hung over 100 rats by their testicles. Oh the satisfaction I felt! So now I call on you, faithful readers of “Network”: Spread the word! We must fight for our right to do as we wish with these varmints! And, remember … beef, it’s what’s for dinner.

From rock=w=music: I would like to shed some light on the subject of the animal testing labs that got trashed. Net: Yeah — we’ve had a marked lack of animal testing letters this week — sheesh. First of all, I would like the people who did this to know that I will personally make it my goal in life to find the 27 pigeons, 48 mice, 36 rats and five salamanders, make sure they get into a great animal testing program, and make sure they really suffer good this time. If I don’t find a program that I am satisfied with, I will just squash them with my big black boots. Net: Wait a minute … is this Hamburglar? It really pisses me off to see how some a-holes could trash modern science like they did. Some of the animals being used had clones of different people’s cancerous tumors in them, and “custom” treatments were being created based on these particular animals. With the animals gone, these people will now most likely die. This could by my grandpa, or your grandma, or any other loved one who is deathly sick. When, and it is just a matter of time, the a-holes get caught, I hope they not only send them to jail for vandalism, but for MURDER too!!!
GOIN’ WHERE THE CLIMATE SUITS OUR CLOTHES
From Adder: Rejoice all ye campus peons, for springtime is upon us. What could be more lovely than a beautiful warm spring day? The answer, my friends, is all of the beautiful ladies of the U. Net: There’s a good way to alienate almost half of our readers … thanks. Nothing warms my heart more in the springtime than the flowers of womanhood who bloom once again after a long winters sleep. Yes dear Network, I am in love. But not with but one shining lady, but with all of the U’s people. Could life be any more wonderful? Net: SEGUE ALERT … SEGUE ALERT … SEGUE ALERT … And on another topic … What is the deal with all the graffiti in Dinkytown? I understand that the city probably doesn’t have the time and resources to deal with it, but what about the store owners? Net: Well, you won’t get much help from the spray-paint store … What does it say about us students that we live in a community that puts up with this visual cancer? I say it is about time that MSA decided to do something worthwhile Net: Sh-yeah … and it’s about time for world peace too, Miss America and organized a graffiti clean-up day in Dinkytown and Stadium Village. With a few supplies from the city and a little student labor, we could have it cleaned up in no time.
WHEN WE WERE KINGS
From The One: My people. Here. Now. I must tell you of a new being coming to be known. I am … “The One.” Net: Who can make the peace? Just as the waters of a fountain overflow it’s bowls, life flows from me. You cannot say that I exist; only that I don’t not exist. Net: So you’re a law student … Now I tell you that all in this world is material. This material world is made of two things, matter and objects. Objects are physical beings, things that have been shaped by the mind, like pizza. Matter is that which has not been shaped by the mind. Dark, cold … it just sits there waiting for someone to come by who cares, like the ALF. My followers’ only goal is to look at themselves from afar and see ourselves as that dark matter … as a piece of stone, if you will. Should you not like something, simply chip it off. Their goal is to better oneself … to become more like me, The One.
Let me warn you. The time is coming. With the onset of the war of the squirrels — where only one-fourth of the population will survive — and the coming of the imposter King T, Net: The King of Terror’s nefarious cackling rolls like thunder o’er the Midwestern plains. We suggest you don’t call King T an “imposter” again. He gets testy. I must reveal myself to you. Should these things come about, I will save my followers and those who do not believe shall go back and become the dark matter from which they came, to be shaped anew in my world.
Net: An Obsequian ruse, wary Networkians! Your equanimity and loyalty to the NITWIT mission has been tested today! The division has begun; who is ready to face the onslaught of King T and his Obsequian operatives? Spies are among you!