From Angry Reader: I’m just writing in to express my intense belief that Jim “Short-on-brains-meyer” (sports editor for the Daily) Net: Is that what that guy does? Sheesh … we thought he was just a janitor or something is the worst writer ever. First of all, Jim, get a new picture — wipe that “I just ate five Big Macs” look of your face. Net: Actually, it was taken moments after he ate five big … umm, nevermindwegottago. Secondly, your columns are pure garbage. When I first started reading them, I was unbiased and thought that maybe they would get better over time. Net: That only happens in journalistic fantasyland. You either win a Pulitzer before you turn 30 or you wither into a pulpy mass of nouns, verbs, adjectives and LaBatt’s. But they never did. Let’s see, there was the column on how the football team was no good and we have no right to be happy about them winning, because they really weren’t that good — good call there, Jim. Net: Go team! Then there was an article about how we should support the Gophers basketball team because they were bad. Which was actually kind of good, but makes no sense when considering the football article. Net: It’s all about living for today, baby. Kinda like that time we coated ourself in beef strips and dived into that giant fondue pot. Then there was the article on the Vikings QB situation, which was taken almost word for word off the AP wire. Net: We pay good money for that wire, mister. It’s good to see the li’l slugger put it to use. And then there was Tuesday’s culmination in Jim making a complete ass out of himself. Net: Been there, done that. Now Jim, I realize that you can’t write for s##!t, but insulting the NCAA heavyweight champion on his lack of personality is not the best way to gain credibility. Net: It is, on the other hand, the best way to lose a limb. I mean, you obviously don’t know the guy, because then you wouldn’t insult him. Net: OK, we take back that string of death threats we sent to Keanu Reeves. So if you don’t know him, how can you possibly insult the guy on his lack of charisma? Net: Well, we didn’t know Australopithecus Man, but we bet he didn’t go around quoting Jackie Mason at parties. HA! Jackie Mason! He kills us … Jim, do us all a favor, and please stop writing these awful, uninspired pieces of trash that you call columns. Net: If you think his columns are bad, you should see his windpants.
From I.T. Master: Dear Mr. Jack-off, you misguided prick. Net: Shower him with tender kisses, why don’tcha. I was born in Iowa, in Cedar Rapids, the second-largest city in the state, Net: Like it says on the sign: “Population: Not as much as Des Moines, but lots more than Ames.” and despite some of its faults, I’d like to defend my snuggly warm home state. Before this debate gets too wildly out of hand, much like your mom when she sees the game warden, Net: TOUCHĂȘ! I’d like to first state some positive info, then confirm my credentials, and then get the hell outta Net: the backseat of the Dodge Net: in which you were conceived and hide in the murky recluse of the Electrical Engineering building’s darkest dungeon corners. Net: i.e, where the cyber-skunks “get away from it all” with a little game o’ Magic.
First let’s talk about corn. Net: Sir, we must commend you on being one hell of a conversationalist. By choosing to start with corn, you’ve woven a web of intrigue from which we can not possibly hope to escape. Iowa grows more corn than anywhere in the country, perhaps even the world. Jack, that’s enough to feed your mom AND her pet moose! They also breed the most hogs, many of which migrate north to mate with Wisconsin females, especially the ones from Sheboygan, whose noses are naturally curved upwards for maximum fluid exchange. At any rate, Iowa’s a nice place, Net: in a Third World sort-of-way if you stay in the city. Minnesota is the fourth state I’ve lived in, Net: Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Christopher Columbus and I’ve lived in places both bigger and smaller than the Twin Cities, so yes, I CAN just sit here and talkie-talk s##!tty-s##!t. Net: Well, we guess that means we get to sit here and wipey-wipe. And most importantly, at least Iowans don’t talk with that pathetic-as-s##!t “Ooooohhhhh” sound like our esteemed Fargonian friends. If you northerners don’t know what I’m talking about, try taking a trip somewhere farther than Rochester, Net: Yeah, like Albert Lea. Crazy people a-livin’ there and you’ll see what I mean. They will laugh at your ass. OK, time to roll. Off to the electrocution chamber. Net: ROLL ON THREE!! GO SOTA!!
From Tossedsaladman: I know Yudof will not help me, so I am presenting my complaint to you, O honored and worthy judge, the Network. Net: Our petty, exceedingly mediocre fiefdom is your petty, exceedingly mediocre fiefdom. Or something like that. There is this professor, who will be known to you as Bamf. The guy loves to issue failing grades to everyone on all assignments. Net: It’s always better to fail in groups. And now you understand the “Rocky” sequels. At first I thought he did this to compensate for his mediocre intelligence. Little did I realize the true reason. The Bamf wrote a little note on my latest failure, asking me to speak with him during his office hours. Net: 12:05-12:09 a.m., Sunday. Obliging, I trudged over to his office later, only to find him in a studded leather teddy and patent leather high heels. Net: A fashion faux pas if ever there was one. Everyone knows you don’t wear studs and patent together. Fire engine red lipstick was smeared haphazardly all around his lips. He told me I could pass if he could shove his Rowdy Roddy Piper — his nickname for some strange “strap on” device he has — straight up my ass! Net: We never really cared for wrestling, and now we know why. Since a C is definitely not worth anal penetration, I refused his offer. Net: Now if he were the registrar … The sick f&@k pulled a Barbie doll out of his desk and, with a pouting face, started combing its hair while shouting, “Why? Why? Why?” I left as he slumped into the fetal position. After conferring with my classmates, I now realize he has been offering C’s for butt-loving for about 14 years now. Net: Many a happy graduate. How could this slip past administration? Can anyone help us? Net: We would, but we gotta go, umm, “register” ….