Net: Our only hope …

Net: Our only hope is that those poor boys plopped down on Washington Avenue can get a bit of enjoyment out of today’s Network. Can someone do us a favor and drop off a copy (or two, in case they need more padding)? Reading the Obnoxious Activist Manifesto over and over must get a bit tiresome, and, well, we can’t have that.
From MB: I’ll be brief. I have a poem to share with all. I figured it would be a slight bit more entertaining than the usual blather. Net: That’s our blather you’re talking about, pally! Ahem …
I walk to Moos Tower on my way to work
And I see all the hippy, protesting jerks.
They yell, “Stop the torture or we’ll sit in a cage —
“Animals used for science is a complete outrage!”
Net: They would not take an animal’s life; they could not take it with a knife.
They can not, will not kill a rat; how can they do a thing like that?
So they’ll sit there shivering on the street; they’ll lie there hungry with nothing to eat.
Although their hearts are in the right place,
Their knowledge on the subject is a total disgrace.
The medical research is important and necessary
But they wouldn’t know, since they’re science class flunkies. Net: Science class, poetry class. We all fail sometimes.
These morons, I find, are a big pain in the ass —
If you ask me, they should be shipped down to Kansas.
Some, of course, will disagree, but friends I’m not trying to make.
They can sit in their cages and fast themselves silly: I’m going down to the Outback for a thick juicy steak! Net: Maybe the activist folk would appreci
ate the leftovers.
From Mr. Bo Jangles: Now that fall is officially upon us, I would like to take this opportunity to remind some of the new young Lovelies and Hotties here that October is only an extension of summer on campus. It is considered taboo in the Big Ten to put away your summer clothes until after Thanksgiving. Net: So that we can all give thanks for the passing of bare midriffs and capri pants? Additionally, there is a little-known tradition in the Big Ten in which no one wears a bra during the month of October. And everyone knows how important keeping traditions alive is here at the University. Net: Yeah, like that championship tradition in football. And that whole “affordable education” sham. Additionally, I would like to push for a new holiday or a week of awareness here at the University. I think that we should have a Nipple Appreciation Day, perhaps Nipple Awareness Week — or month, for that matter. Net: Be careful what you wish for. Next thing you know, we’ll be celebrating Spanish Green Olive Week, or Roller Skating Week. Imagine the possibilities. I was just curious what the folks out in Network Land thought.

From Summit: I want to express my feelings about one of your neighbors that takes up space on the back page every Monday. Net: OK, OK. We know Dr. Date has a tendency to spend a little too much time in the bathroom with the water running, but cut him some slack. He’s … married. I am referring to that oh-so-cleverly-titled “Universe City.” Wow, I can’t believe anyone could come up with such a witty pun. It is a sad time when “Bizzaro” is bumped for a homicidal grandma that needs money for Depends, only to keel over at the sight of an empty wallet. Net: BackTalk: Your home for homicide, hilarity and hijinks. I was laughing at that for what must have been zero minutes.
My Sherlockian intuition tells me that this is the same satirical genius who brought us the never-popular “Freshman Observations.” Did we not suffer enough last year? Net: Call it a sophomore slump. Is good ol’ Gabe Ostley destined to be a waste of space for Mondays to come? I realize it’s easy to hide in anonymity and ridicule Net: We’ve been doing it for years, but I’m pretty sure there isn’t a rabid mob of fans ready to defend this flaming heap to the end. Net: Lissen … we get complaints about having the wrong shade of blue on the front page on Mondays. You take away a cartoon, and this place might end up looking like a scene out of “Les Miserables.” If this cartoon is seen as a struggling young artist trying to find his niche Net: Actually, we think he’s trying to find his pencil sharpener — I’ve got news for you: Struggle somewhere else. May I suggest the A&E section; there are plenty of worthless, unfunny, nonsensical cartoons in those pages. Give us our full week of “Bizzaro” back, or at least something that doesn’t make me want to kill small animals. Net: Is that you, Dr. Carroll?

From Phoenix Buddy: What is with the plethora of security guards that gather every night on the Washington Avenue Bridge? Net: Ummm … the Fight Club? Almost every night I bike across the bridge only to meet face to face with a gang of — no kidding — 10 security guards. If you ask me, they’re scary! Most people dressed entirely in black with combat boots and walkie-talkies would be looked on as a menace to society. Net: Unless they were … security guards. And these are the people who walk us from one end of the scary University campus to the other. Net: It’s only scary when the bill comes.
On a lighter note, since our Gophers didn’t play this weekend, I was forced to take in an Augsburg College football game. Net: Different school, same story. Jinkeys!! There were more fans at my high school football games than there were at Augsburg on Saturday night! So for those of you freshmen who are feeling homesick for high school Net: And are too ashamed to show your face — and your old letter jacket — at your own high school, because you know “they” would laugh at you, I’d encourage you to check out Augsburg’s football games. They even include multiple turnovers — at one point I was wondering if they were greased up — Net: The ball, the players or the cheerleaders? and cheerleaders who can’t keep a beat to save their lives.