Net: We begin our …

Net: We begin our day with …

From Desperate: Network, I am hoping you can help me out. Last Thursday night, I lost a few items that are very dear to me. I went out for ladies’ night Net: Say no more. We’re sorry, Desperate, but some things we can’t get back for you. We recommend you use pigeon blood on your wedding night. and woke up without my purse or the photo album I brought out with me. Net: For what are you bringing a PHOTO ALBUM to ladies’ night? “And this is my ex-boyfriend — hey — WATCH WHERE YOU’RE THROWING THOSE DARTS!!!” I’ve called all the places I went (Fowl Play, Dubs, the after bar, etc.) Net: “Went?” We bet you were crawlin’ by the end of the night, kid, and it seems nowhere to be found.
I am very disappointed. I don’t have any money in my purse, and if any checks are written, they are sure to bounce. It is a light brown purse, and I really need a few items that are in there: my camera Net: Trust us. You can live without that. None of our images show up anyway, my planner, my inhaler (allergies are bad!), and my ID. I can’t believe these things were stolen, because who would ever want to take my photo album?? Net: Vampires concealing their identities, most likely. How strange! Well, you are my last resort and I hope someone out there has a kind enough heart to answer my pleas. Any information will help! Net: Go to it, Netheads. Remember, she’s Desperate.

From CK: As a resident of Territorial Hall, I expected upon arrival here that at least one person in my hallway would have in their possession a large bass subwoofer that would be constantly blasting. Little did I know that my entire hallway would be filled with 18″ subwoofers! Net: Call it a rising standard of living. Yesterday, four rooms were competing for the “Biggest Subwoofer in the Hallway” competition (AKA “Biggest Penis in the Hallway”). Will someone please stop this insanity!?!
I have to turn my music up really loud just to be able to hear it over their bass bins. Net: The doctrine of Mutually Assured Destruction seems relevant to allude to at this point. Also, there is someone on the fourth floor who constantly blasts the Beastie Boys out his (or possibly her) window. Net: No. It’s a he. Women have manners. And taste. PLEASE stop it!
A very close ex-girlfriend was in love with the Beastie Boys Net: We’re sure it was a reciprocal, fulfilling match, and it just kills me to hear it now since it reminds me of her. Oh for the love of God and for my emotional well-being, have pity on me! Net: Dude! Crank it up! Roll over Beethoven, and tell Tchaikovsky the news! AIR WAR IN TERRITORIAL!!!!

Net: Our brave writer Cinthia has received a response.
From Sgirrl to Cinthia L. Deye: OK Cinthia, it is obvious that you are either an outspoken freshman or transfer student. Net: And it is obvious to us, Sgirrl, that you do not have half the guts of Cinthia, who actually signed her name in this foxhole of a forum. We cast our jaundiced eye upon you. If you had written your complaint to Prez. Yudof any other day I would have totally agreed with you. But the fact that you are complaining about the first day of school. C’MON!! Net: People now, smile on your brother, everybody get together try and love one another right now. Ah — the new year feels good. Yes, it is important to attend the first day of classes. In fact, I had classes too — organic chem., Physics 3 and Calc. 4 to be exact. Net: We play the world’s smallest violin. But you know what? All I got was a syllabus and a taste of what the class was going to be like. I don’t think I even wrote anything down. I do believe this is the case through MOST classes, and President Yudof KNOWS this. Net: But he’ll deny it if asked by Kenneth Starr. He tried to make the first day of classes fun and interesting for us. HE knew what he was doing when he let that band play at Coffman! (He doesn’t always know what he’s doing, but this time he did.)
If you have a problem with that you can start your own “College Students Against Fun Colation,” Net: Fun Colation? Sounds like we’re organizing copies or something. OK? Have a nice year, Cinthia L. Deye.

From Tschuk!: I have a small bit of information for those who love and enjoy “Star Wars” but do not spend their lives on the Internet. When you plop down your eight bucks on May 21 next year, you will be asking for tickets to see “The Phantom Menace.”
At first read, the title may sound stupid or cheesy Net: No, it just sounds like lovable scamp Dennis finally joined the undead. ARGH! Our vampire identities shine through. Quick — get the photo album!, but let it grow on you. Just wait until the movie comes out. Only then will we understand the meaning of “The Phantom Menace.” Net: Got it — we’ll stay tuned.

And finally,
From Iguana: Da shush gorg hip hip Rork. Falli nok rar pistik wiplieu. Hordek. Net: OK. We’ve received some weird letters in our time, but spell check’s goin’ crazy here. Could someone translate? Is this Klingon? Or Sean Penn after a long night? Anyone who can translate this is appreciated. We eagerly await your response.
And have a nice day.