Funny thing: quote board centers our sports section

Just to the right of the editor’s chair in the sports section of the Minnesota Daily is an unassuming piece of paper. And on top of the paper are two simple words: quote board.
If any of the writers in the sports section say anything stupid, or anything remotely funny, their words will be immortalized on paper.
But usually we’re just making fun of each other.
For instance, there was the time that John Carter was amazed at the fact he had been on his computer for exactly 59 minutes and 59 seconds.
“I’ll take things I don’t give a s!##t about for 200,” responded David La Vaque.
Carter himself lashed out with a shot at Mark Heller, the soccer reporter. Although Carter was actually describing someone he saw on campus, he still managed to tweak Heller.
“(He) is such a hick, he wears cowboy boots, a cowboy hat, and a shirt just like Heller,” Carter said.
OK, so the quotes aren’t always golden.
As seriously as we take our work, we take making the quote board almost as serious. Mike Dougherty has been known to sit directly next to the quote board and say whatever comes to his off-kilter mind until someone writes down one of his quotes.
“Fake poop rocks,” Dougherty once said, after placing the aforementioned item in his editor’s chair.
Heller is no stranger to the quote board either. After the photo department suggested the asinine idea of running a picture of a goalie warming up before a game, Heller said: “we don’t know what happened after this picture was taken. Please consult another local paper for more information.”
The one-liners are by no means limited to the sports department. Upon hearing about Wilt Chamberlain’s death, our production manager, R. Martin Mossefin, eulogized: “he died from an overdose of women.”
Or there was the case of Dan Maruska, a columnist for the opinions page. Late one night, I was explaining why I wouldn’t go to a “team building” meeting at a local drinking emporium because I was going to a football game with my dad.
“Schorty, you may look at me and think ‘girlz and cash,’ but all I really want is the simple life,” Maruska said.
I accidentally got into the act a week ago. A visiting 65-year old, who was the sports editor at the Daily 40 years ago was asked “do you want to lay out for me?” by me, the current sports editor.
The staff did not interpret the term “lay out” in the Christian sense of designing the sports section.
And as always, we make fun of the people on daytime TV. La Vaque struck first with a “what’s up baby, you from outta town?” to a Jenny Jones makeover candidate.
Not far behind was Heller with his: “she looks like she spent some time in the bathtub with a radio.”
It should be duly noted that Heller usually does, in fact, look like he spent some time in a bathtub with a radio or other high-voltage appliances. As do most people in the sports section — that’s why we’re sports reporters — and not models.
But seriously, we can’t all be funny. Between making fun of Ron Dayne and any quote from an athlete regarding “focus” or “taking it one game at a time,” it goes unnoticed that some writers can’t make the quote board.
So we have to make certain allowances.
“Make up a quote so I can have my name in the paper,” Sarah Mitchell, our men’s hockey reporter said.

Jim Schortemeyer is the sports editor and welcomes comments at [email protected].