DOIN’ THE PIGEON
From Shaft ‘n’ Superfly: There is a great injustice cursing the Earth! Net: The popularity of the Backstreet Boys? A freakin’ terrorist group is using the acronym of one of the best alien actors the world has ever seen. Net: “Entertainment Tonight?” ALF will no longer be remembered for the smiles he brought to so many faces. Instead, people will think about the dicks who go around trashing medical laboratories, setting back research by years. All for what? The freedom of a few stupid lizards? Pigeons!?! Yeah, our values are really warped when we aren’t treating pigeons as equals. All we want is to free the short, fuzzy alien from a connection to such idiots. Is that so wrong? Net (In whimpering “ALF” show father voice): “ALF, we don’t think it’s such a good idea for you to eat the cat …”
GROVELING WILL GET YOU SOMEWHERE
From HK: I have been going to the University for five years. Net: That’s OK, HK. That’s normal. So, how’s your sophomore year going? In that amount of time I have written to you three times. Net: That’s once every 1.66 (repetend) years! Once about the pedestrian problem at 15th Avenue Southeast and University Avenue Southeast, and twice about the “… and your mother” guys at basketball games. I have never seen my letters printed in the Daily. What do I have to do to have my voice heard? Do I have to make up something cute about squirrels, write a haiku or be a friend of the staff at the Daily? Net: WHAT HAVE WE SAID IN THE PAST ABOUT THE DAILY? Our association with the “newspaper” that’s in your hands is strictly out of necessity, since simply beaming into the collective consciousness is ghastly expensive. I will execute a hostage every hour until the letter is printed. Just kidding. Instead, I will ask you very nicely to please print my message. That is, people crossing against the light at the intersection of 15th Avenue Southeast and University Avenue Southeast are inconsiderate to the drivers turning onto University Avenue Southeast. Here’s the letter … Net: WAIT! STOP! That won’t be necessary … we got your point. You whined your way into Network; you win. NOW DON’T ANYBODY ELSE TRY IT!
MOUNTAINS, MOLE-HILLS …
From Tough Love Consultant (TLC) to Manboob, and other timid lab users: Yes, we lab attendants are aware of the “female pisser” watcher in the Walter computer lab. Net: And on “Ally McBeal.” Yuk. We are eager to catch the “Mole Man” in the act. Every person that legally enters our ADCS computer labs is held to our “Access and Use Rules” agreement. Section f. of the rules agreement states: “refrain from the generation, display or printing of offensive material as covered by the University’s policy on equal opportunity and non-discrimination, including sexually or racially offensive or harassing materials.” Judging by what I have witnessed, I must translate this for you students. It means (among other things) NO PORN IN THE LABS! If you witness it, tell the lab consultant. That’s what they’re there for. Net: Now that sounds like a fun job: porn busting. But don’t do anything, and don’t wait until the offender is gone. If you’re brazen enough, shout: “HEY, THIS MOLE’S LOOKING AT FAT CHICKS PISSIN’ IN CAKE PANS!” If you are one of these lab perverts (there are more than one, I hate to break it to you), I will hunt you down and twist off your tweeter. No one harasses people in my lab.
From The Mole Hunter: Have you had a guy sit next to you who seems a little old to be a student, looks OK but somehow creepy at first and slowly becomes more sinister as his hands begin writhing in his lap then huddles over the monitor and leaves the lab shaking and sweating?
You’ve been Moled.
In order to help us all defend against the Mole Menace, here is the official announcement of the Daily Moleman Advisory. Today’s Advisory:
Moleman activity was fairly heavy today, topping the sweaty palms range and creeping slightly into wet spot on the seat territory. Tomorrow expect a satiated lull, with showers and thundermoles possible Monday morning.
Everyone needs to contribute in the fight against the Moleman. If you catch him winking with his third eye, Sirs and Madams, stand up and say it proudly and loudly for everyone to hear: “HEY SPUNKMONKEY, WANT A TISSUE?”
From Lab Monkey: I used to be a lab consultant in Walter 9 and the so called “Walter Lab Pervert” is also known as (at least by members of the secret underground lab consultant spy network) the Moleman. He has been disturbing people in Walter 9 for years, and when I worked there it was always my goal to actually catch him in the act. He was quite a bit more shy back then, and if I came close enough so that his hand couldn’t block the entire screen, he would restart the computer. I never did manage to personally get any real evidence of what he was doing, but few people (I hope) breathe heavily and moan while looking at www.disney.com.
WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR
From El Cubano: Hola Net. This is to Crow Pluto in regards to the No-Prize discussion. The coveted No-Prize is an award given out by the friendly editors at Marvel Comics to readers who send letters revealing special “discoveries” they have made about recent events in the particular comic. For example, if someone discovers a continuity error, or some other type of glitch in the story line, whoever discovers it first gets a No-Prize. Nobody really knows what a No-Prize is except for the people that win them. Net: Gee, somehow we don’t feel so enlightened. So, Crow, you gonna make good on your promises? Here’s another (No)-taker:
From Monitor Station: There is a cash machine between Wilson Library, Anderson Hall and Blegen Hall (the tunnel system) that dispenses in $5 increments. No need to give me a No-Prize, Crow Pluto; I have enough worthless crap. Thanks anyway.
