From PeeWee: Kid tested, mother approved: I dunno if you’ve already seen this, Network, or if any of the millions (and millions) of Network readers Net: All consisting of the rotating staff at the Harvard Market. have received this mass e-mail yet, but I got it a little while ago and figured I should share it with those who have not had the opportunity. Net: Great, stupid e-mails on Network. Well, it’s nothing new if you think about it. Please note — I am NOT taking credit for this, merely passing it along: “The Demotivational Series: For when you just don’t care anymore … Net: This obviously caters to people who wear sweatpants in public. “Defeat: For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are you’re one of them. Net: The odds are even better if you’re an American voter. “Stupidity: Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never quit and never win are idiots. Net: Say what you will, but we find blind persistence without any actual chance of winning to be a noble trait. This is why we support the U.S. National Soccer Team. “Failure: When your best just isn’t good enough. Net: Should’ve given up instead. “Futility: You’ll always miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take and, statistically speaking, 99 percent of the shots you do. Net: We put this theory to test at the bar the other night ... “Ineptitude: If you can’t learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly. Net: Remember, this doesn’t apply to flying an airplane, holding political office or sex. “Losing: If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. Net: It sure beats khaki pants. “Mediocrity: It takes a lot less time, and most people won’t notice until it’s too late. Net: Just ask Air France. “Mistakes: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others. Net: A human lighthouse, if you will. “Procrastination: Hard work often pays off over time, but laziness always pays off now. Net: We’ll answer this one later.


From Radioactive Man: Well, Net, the good times just keep on comin’! Net: Just like street construction on our glorious campus. I thought I was in good spirits after hearing George W. Bush’s speech the other night, and things couldn’t get better. Net: We bet you thought they got better when “The Rock” spoke. That is, until I opened up to Network and found not only that you had printed my latest entry, but someone had also replied to my first! Net: Yeah, we really gotta stop printing your letters. That just about makes a guy’s day. Well, Fallout Girl, I’d like to rebut some of your statements (And since it’s obvious you’re a “Simpsons” fan, I’ll be nice). First of all, just because some guy designs clothes, it doesn’t necessarily follow that he’s gay. Second, just because someone hangs out with “pretty” girls and dresses them up, it doesn’t mean they’re a “due west” kind of guy. Net: It just means they like big, human-sized dolly-dress-up games. Next, we have your homophobia theory. Just because a guy is “far west,” it doesn’t mean he’s homophobic. Net: But if he’s “deep south,” chances are he is. I don’t like pickles in any way. That doesn’t mean I’m afraid of them. Net: Even the “Bread ‘n’ Butter” ones? Likewise, I don’t dig the dudes, but I’m not scared of guys who do. And one more thing … can a guy be so “east” that he’s straight? Net: This sounds like a topic for Dr. Date! Now that we’ve got things settled, I’d like to paraphrase the great Homer Simpson in reference to Fallout Girl: “Hmm … I don’t agree with her” Dr. Date Compass’ policy, but I do agree with her ‘Net should beat the hell outta that dork ‘Dr. Date’ policy.” Bye-bye, everybody! Net: We don’t remember Homer Simpson ever quoting Network or Dr. Date, but it has always been a dream of ours.


From AnneTenna: Dear Network, nothing but kudos to the astute investigative Minnesota Daily reporters who, against all odds, broke the stunning news coup of Year 2000: BUSH ACCEPTS NOMINATION, GAINS SUPPORT AT CONVENTION, which appeared on page one of the Aug. 4 Daily. Net: We were as shocked as you were. Other news outlets must be standing by in shocked silence. Net: As usual. To think this profound, incredible, bizarre, totally unexpected story was unearthed by a mere campus newspaper! Net: If you think that was good, just wait until you see our exposÇ on pet weight-loss clinics! I bet Daily offices right now are being besieged by the Pulitzer prize committee and their sycophantic hangers-on. Net: As usual. Deep insider and bosom pal of Clem Haskins, Sid Hartman, is no doubt right now wishing he weren’t working for the wrong department at the wrong newspaper. Net: Let this be a lesson to all of you other media establishment types. Never too late to switch, Sid! Like they would even let you in the door! Net: Or like he could even get in our doors with that enormous ego. Way to go, DAILY! Totally gonzo! I am SO damn proud of you. That trip to Philadelphia wasn’t wasted after all! Net: Yeah, we bought all the kilos of illegal narcotics we needed from the Philadelphia Police Department. Sigh. If only Network staff were as diligent in getting to the truth at the bottom of Dr. Date’s questionable activities. Net: The words “Dr. Date” and “bottom” should never be used, unless you’re writing an entry to the Doc himself. And make sure you don’t own a new Saturn.