Saddam and the great Beanie Baby heist

(U-WIRE) COLLEGE STATION, Texas — Well it’s a-one, two, three, four, what are we (tentatively) fighting for? Good question. The situation, as reported by MTV News, the voice of our generation, is something like this: Saddam refuses to recognize the skills of the United States and the free-world posse, so we have to step in and regulate. Saddam is all, “Chemical weapons? Here? That’s whack.” And we’re all, “Don’t be frontin’ Saddam. We heard you got more bombs than the WB!”
But before we all march gallantly off to battle, it’s time to give Saddam the benefit of the doubt. Time to play devil’s advocate, so to speak. So what if Saddam isn’t giving U.N. weapon inspectors access to his private presidential palace? We only find this shocking and insulting because our own leaders have no qualms about sharing their privates.
Not that there isn’t justifiable reason for alarm. It is a certified fact that Saddam is crazier than a crack-house rat. He’s creepier than those Girl Scouts who go around collecting used eyeglasses. Doomsday weapons are to Saddam what tired, Internet-circulated jokes are to morning radio DJs.
Perhaps Saddam isn’t hiding weapons in his palace. Maybe the whole thing has been blown way out of proportion. His stash could be completely harmless. Remember when the principal tried to search your locker in high school? It wasn’t a .45 you were hiding in there — it was a lipstick-encrusted picture shrine to Scott Baio.
It seems that the government has adopted the Jerry Springer formula for success: When the numbers ain’t right, start a fight. Since there’s no official government bureau of positive thinking, I’ve taken the liberty of creating a few positive scenarios for the benefit of peace in the Middle East. What is Saddam hiding? Why, it could be …

Beanie Babies
Saddam isn’t stupid. He knows that when a nation’s economy implodes, the people turn to collectible bric-a-brac for currency. And what is more collectible than Beanie Babies? The more you think about it, the more it makes sense. That’s why you can’t find any purple princess bears. And when you’re the sire of a thousand bastard children, a well-placed Beanie Baby helps to keep down the noise level in the presidential palace.

A Secret Surprise Party!
No one knows how to spoil a party like the United States. We’re like the brat kid down the street that no one likes to play with because she’s always making up rules as you play so she always wins. Perhaps Saddam has been slaving away in the presidential kitchen making the mother of all Rice Krispie Treats for Chelsea Clinton’s 18th birthday.

Tupac, Notorious B.I.G. and John Denver
If you think the whole east coast v. west coast situation is ugly, then check out the Tigris v. Euphrates scene. Saddam needs American rap superstars, kidnapped during their peak, brainwashed and signed to the original Death Row record label. Denver was a special request from Mrs. Hussein. Go figure.

Rows and rows of Anthrax … albums!
This chemical weapon thing has been a big misunderstanding. When we heard that Saddam had Anthrax, we thought it was the disease, not the cool metal band. The road to white-trash America may be paved with “Among the Living”; somebody had to buy all those copies of “Stomp 442.”

The Classic Henway Rouse
OK, get this. U.N. inspectors pull up to the palace, all official and proper, and ask Saddam what’s in the palace. Saddam says, “Oh, nothing but a henway.” Then the inspectors ask, “What’s a henway?” Saddam says, “About three pounds!” Laughs and world peace ensue.

Horrible Human-Rights Violations
Picture thousands of tortured Iraqi waif children, who because of harsh economic sanctions from the United States, have yet to see “Titanic.” The horror, the horror.

Four hundred metric tons of processed pumpkin pie filler and a flyswatter
It is not ours to ask why, but to respect the private affairs of a consenting mad dictator.
It’s about time someone went to bat for Saddam. Just because you have something to hide doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Saddam may be crazy, but so is James Cameron, and look how he proved everyone wrong. Let’s just hope this time we don’t all go down with the ship. Women and columnists first!

Chris Martin’s column originally appeared in Friday’s edition of Texas A & M University’s The Battalion.