Net: ‘Tis true: You can’t stop the Animal Liberation Front. At least, you can’t stop the ALF letters.
CALL ME ISHTAR
From Ishtar: Would King T hurry up already? Net: Your disquieted tone worries us, Ishtar. We promise that T plans not to solve any problems; no one heralds him with impunity. I’m getting sick of the wait, and so it seems with others; people don’t try to chat things out anymore. (Silly me, have things always been this way?) I found it amusing that Shaft ‘n’ Superfly chose to express concern for the reputation of a fictitious alien while ridiculing concern for the treatment of lab animals. Speaking of cancer research, how come few people make this big of a fuss about food irradiation for business interests or about the millions of cars that constantly cough pollution into the air because we’re too “independent” for mass public transportation? If ALF members can be referred to as terrorists when they confiscate animals, can I call the people who do the Federal Communication Commission’s anti-pirate dirty work terrorists, too (without being made fun of)? Can people get more riled up, please? Net: We’re riled! We’re riled already! Is there no greater tragedy than the lab trashings, or are all the other good controversies in hiding? Net: We sense the sincerity of your exasperation, Ishtar. We’re not the only ones … perhaps a NITWIT operative could be dispatched to your aid?
IN DEFENSE OF ISHTAR
From Kinayta: As I was on my way to one of the Radio K Expo events, I noticed a handmade sign in the back of a truck window. “Clinton is still a scum bag,” was printed in black ink on light gray cardboard. The handwriting was shaky and the word “is” was circled. Did anyone else see this crazy man? Net: We thought they found him in a tar paper shack in Montana after his brother turned him in … Also: My roommate, Ishtar, wrote in earlier about ALF and such, and I feel a need to explain her somewhat confusing subject matter, whether or not her letter be published. Her father’s brother Net: That’d be her, ahh … uncle, we believe works as a biomedical researcher, most recently studying the brain cancer rate of rats who ingest aspartame (Coincidentally, he was diagnosed with colon cancer last month.); his daughter Net: Her cousin. Just, you know, for the record is studying stress behaviors in amphibians who are forced to live in abnormal environments. We hear the most interesting stories. Please don’t be too hard on my friend. Net: Aw, we got nothin’ but love for you two; you know that, K. The environment at the University is constantly raising her stress levels.
DOWN WITH DISEASE
From Francis Ataxia: Wandering campus and listening to other people’s private conversations (No one ever talks to me about anything cool.) Net: Time for new friends again! I’ve found, much to my dismay, that there are actually people out there who aren’t 100 percent behind ALF’s actions. Now, I can see where you might not think their cause is all that great. Hell, I personally saw nothing wrong with what the researchers were doing with those animals before they were liberated. They may have actually been performing a service for society, looking for cures for cancer or cheats for Starcraft embedded in mouse DNA or what have you. That’s not the issue here. These people are fighting, perhaps indirectly, for the one thing that unites all of the relatively young. Chaos! Net: We have foreseen it. Mass higgledy-piggledy. The freaky hippie people will never actually accomplish anything in their fight for animal rights, but they have most definitely given Big Brother something to worry about so they’re the perfect organization members in my book. We have to get behind them and prove to the world that we can hate the establishment as much as our forefathers did. Your beliefs don’t mean spoo if you don’t piss some people off fighting for them. Yeah! … HECK YEAH! So, that’s that. Damn the man! Save the Empire! (or something along those lines). … On a related note, rumor has it the secret mastermind behind the Animal Liberation Front, everyone’s favorite TV alien ALF, is guest starring on an upcoming episode of “Loveboat.” Net: Isaac better get busy; we hear ALF is a real souse. I urge everyone to support disillusioned angst and tune in to a fun-filled hour of cat eatin’ and animal rights propaganda.
PINKY AND THE BULL
From Sammy “The Bull” Jardine: Most Holy Network, my boss sent me to you to deliver a message. Net: Luca Brazzi swims with the fishes? You probably know him as the Albino Squirrel who lives on the West Bank. He says thank you to ALF for finding safe homes for the little animals from the labs … in his tummy! HA HA HA! I liked the pigeons the best. Net: Yeah, you and “Bert.” Next time ALFshould find “good homes” for the animals on the West Bank behind Anderson Hall instead of on the side of the road somewhere. I hate crossing streets. If they choose to disobey my boss, he will find them good homes in the bottom of the Mississippi.
ROLE REVERSAL
From Lao Shu: Ah spring! Birds are chirping, preachers are on the Mall, there’s still a chance for snow … these are all familiar and welcome sights to the students and staff here at the University. However, a new trend has emerged. Net: You mean, besides AF cummerbunds? Perhaps having its roots in cabin fever, groups of morons gather in spring to stage inappropriate and childish protests. This year we have the destructive ALF and their supportive buddies. Last year it was a lame hunger strike outside of Morrill Hall that barely lasted a week. Net: We heard somebody snuck them SlimFast. While other groups did something constructive over winter, like ski trips or perhaps Seasonal Affective Disorder treatments — maybe they even had lives, these groups huddled through the six-month winter letting their convictions work them into a fevered pitch. I think perhaps a borrowing of methods would have helped these groups. Maybe ALF should have had the hunger strike and College of Liberal Arts budgeting staff could have made a pre-emptive trashing of Klaeber Court, freeing the caged students of the Chinese department from certain vivisection of their brains, so they wouldn’t worry about how many professors they had. I just love spring! 🙂