Net: We came across it today while perusing our second-favorite local fishwrap, the Strib. It sat there smugly in the Metro section, looking out at us in an overtly mocking way, almost challenging our very worth.
It’s called “Backfence.” If you have been lucky enough to avoid its gaze, be warned there is a copycat in our midst. Only “Backfence” is Network for the pedestrian, minivan-driving, soccer-mom masses. And it is disgusting.
To elaborate on it any more would be to say we failed to expunge its contents from our memory. We now know only of its sorry existence, and that is plenty.
And as if it couldn’t get any worse, it’s pieced together by a bespectacled, would-be wit-monger called Lileks — a man who once slurped at the Daily trough.
Shame on you, Lileks. Horrible, evil, nasty shame. Be warned, for the last of us you have not heard.
P.S.: Are you hiring?
UNEMPLOYED
From The Ultimate TA: Net: With a moniker like that, you’re only setting yourself up for failure. Just like your students. Since we’re on the subject of teaching assistants, I thought I’d chip in my three cents (University hourly salary). If there’s anyone who knows what makes a great TA, that would be me. So here are my top five qualities that make a great TA:
5) Paying equal attention to the fat, zit-covered geek and the busty blonde with see-through clothes won’t win you a date with the blonde Net: But it might have the zit-covered brunette groveling at your feet, but at least the other students might actually respect you.
4) Speaking English clearly is a plus. Half the students from the foreign TA’s section (who earns double my hourly salary) Net: So what you’re saying is, “Soul Man” could have been a true story? Hmmm … come to me for help, and I’m not even teaching their lab.
3) Actually being at your office hours. Posting a sign that says, “I’m sick” for the entire semester only points your students toward the department’s tutors Net: Something more encouraging, such as, “Fear not … Failure is inevitable,” might be preferable, who are just looking for a nice piece of ass.
2) Be fair but firm in grading. Grading like it’s preschool work leaves the door open for those lazy fuggers who hand in jack s##!t three weeks late; Net: You remembered us! How kind grading like an expert makes you an a$$hole.
1) If you’re going to sleep with one of your female students, make sure you sleep with all of them. That way, none of them can whine about the curve Net: Unless it’s really pronounced and causes them pain.
Actually, if that last one were true, I never would have quit my TA job in the first place.
DOES SHE DO KEGGERS?
To Pretty Boy from GGV in the Sticks: In defense of the “stupid girl who throws around that baton,” Net: What, can’t she “stick” up for herself? she has a name, and if you paid any attention at those basketball games, you would know what it is. Net: Quick: Name the Valparaiso head coach. Oh, sorry. You mustn’t have paid attention. She is the feature twirler of the University Marching Band and has worked extremely hard at getting to where she is in her life. Net: What dedication. What craft. What a colossal waste of time. Since the age of 5 she has taken several competitions by storm; currently she is ranked third in the nation. Net: By what? The ESPN/Baton Twirler Monthly/Dysfunctional Talent Show Poll? Most recently, she won the Minnesota State Fair open talent competition, in which she competed against vocalists and dancers among other performers. Net: Sorry we missed that. We were off trying to drink all the milk we could for $0.50 before hurling all over Big Bertha in the hog barn. Winning this competition allows her to return to next year’s competition as the opening act, Net: Who’s the headliner? A 12-year-old from Montevideo who can fling a lasso like Roy Frickin’ Rogers? but being the unselfish woman she is, she requested to be backed by the entire Marching Band rather than a taped recording. Net: It’s lonely on top. She goes above and beyond the call of duty in service and recruiting for both the band and the University by performing at events and occasions on her own accord. Net: Mommy! Mommy! I wanna go to the University so I can heckle the baton-twirler! And one last thing to you, Pretty Boy, I would like to see you get out there, center court, and twirl three flaming batons without dropping them. Net: What you don’t understand, GGV, is that the only reason we watch the baton twirler is in the hopes she will drop one them, and hopefully ignite the hair-sprayed coiffure of an unsuspecting cheerleader. In the meantime, Spacely, Tiggs, Miss Feature Twirler and I will be diligently preparing for Y2K in El Paso. Net: Don’t forget to bring the Ad-Libs. Simple pleasures abound.
SLAP HAPPY
From Firefighter Joe: Oh, bountiful Network, I have a disgusting story for ya. Net: And that, of course, makes you our friend. A friend of mine, we’ll call him “Peter Diesel” (not his real name) Net: Let us guess … his middle name is Peter and he grew up on Diesel Street, right? was sleeping in his bed last week when he was woken up by a tapping at his window. So instinctively he got up to see what it was. Net: That’s what gets people killed in horror movies. To his dismay, a man was standing on a box with his pants around his ankles exposing his unit and jerking it. His jacket or ring was tapping the glass. So Pete jumped up, grabbed his bat Net: Are we still using penis euphemisms here? and chased the guy down the street until he realized that if he caught the guy he might actually kill him. In the morning, Pete got up and went out to destroy the box the pervert used Net: Sheesh. It wasn’t the box’s fault. and guess what he found on the window. Yup, you guessed it; the guy left him a little present splattered on the window pane. Net: A melted Hershey’s Kiss? Now, I know that finals are coming up and we all feel like we need a little release from the stress, but for Pete’s sake, not on his or anyone else’s window. Net: The least you could do is bring some Windex.
