TO HELL WITH YOU
From Smackdaddy: I am writing to announce to everyone the return of our favorite campus preacher Brother Jed. Net: Yaaay! Gather ’round and get upset! To celebrate the event I have written a haiku:
Brother Jed is Back
He talks of fornication
He damned me to hell
From Easy Rider: For the first time in about three years I am going to give thanks to Frozen Tundra U, Net: It’s pretty nice now, buddy. Rain’s gone otherwise known as the University. Thank you for taking Brother Jed away from the University of Arizona’s campus so that I now can enjoy a nice day on the mall underneath a palm tree without hearing his lamentations. Finally, after spending two years of my life at the University, I have something tangible to thank it for. Too bad I had to move to Arizona to find it. Net: Enjoy the oppressive heat. Networkians — do us a favor — ask ol’ Jed about the King of Terror’s July arrival. We’re curious. Let us know.
BACK ON THE BUS … DRIVERS
From Zales: Being forced to live in Bailey Hall, I take the Campus Connector every day. This year I have learned many of the drivers’ names and what buses they drive usually. Net: What else have you learned? Silly rabbit. Here is a list of the first names of drivers and what bus they drive. (If a number has two names, the latter drives that bus in the afternoons) — 651: Elmer; 653: John (Johnny Rock and Roll); 657: George, Tim (Tim listens to MPR); 658: Charles (referred to as the @$$##0!3); 663: Verna (The Beeeaach), Ken; 617: Joe (I am assuming this is Sammy Gray Beard); 613: Helen; 475: Rob; and Tom was involved in the accident last Thursday, but I don’t know his bus number. Net: Yeah, but that little Chevy Corsica did. I know some of the drivers read Network. I have heard it on their radios after the recent letters. Net: Well, tell ’em to write us fer chrissake! So do a good deed today and say hello to your bus driver; not all of them are mean.
From Dav Pilkey: Hail, O’ wise and omniferous Network! I bring many comments regarding a University bus driver. I find it much easier to express my thoughts through poetry, so I wrote a haiku:
Speaking of drivers:
upon the W sits
(ABC that is),
He’s a quiet man.
Poetry he writes, methinks,
though he won’t show me.
What kinds of secrets
are hidden in his notebook?
Hmm. Network haiku?
From rock=w=music: My famous guide, explaining all the wackiness of our most favorite bus drivers here at the University is now complete. Net: When we met you, we were but the learner — now we are the master.
Sammy Gray Beard — This guy yells out most of the stops with his scraggly old voice. Ask anyone if they know the gray bearded driver and see what they say. Net: He’s rumored to be a leprechaun.
Tiny Tina — This woman looks so petite driving a big old bus (yes, she drives one of the University’s old school buses). She is very quiet, and I think she hates her job. Net: Who doesn’t?
Speedy Gonzalaz — This fellow is new to me as of yesterday. He has reddish hair and a mustache. Seems like a pretty nice guy, but as soon as he gets his foot on the gas pedal, he makes that old bus go like a raped ape!
Crash — Notice the front page of Monday’s Daily … need I say more?
Chuck Dog — This is a wacked-out new driver. He has short sandy-blond hair with a diamond stud in each ear. During a conversation with him, he told me he “doesn’t have a real job”, and he “drives bus for the fun of it” — Hmmmmmmm. Net: One drives an Acura NSX for the fun of it. A Campus Connector, well …
From Ted C. Williams: Hey y’all at the Net! Net: Where the hell have you been, slugger? I read the sad and pathetic editorial by rock=w=music on Monday. I know that he is a tiny shell of a man, for I have met him in person. Trust me, folks, this is quite possibly the most hideous man on the face of the Earth. How dare you, rock=w=music, insult the hardworking bus drivers when you are a small weasel-boy!?! You have the appearance of an ogre, and your breath makes small children cry. You think the battle with King T is going to be bloody?!?! Just wait until I take you on!!!
BEST FEET FORWARD
From Smelly Feet: I was waiting at Coffman for the Campus Connector, and this balding guy in his late 20s/early 30s comes by and sits down next to me. After disembarking, I began walking toward Coffey Hall on the St. Paul campus. The same guy stops me and says, “Don’t think I’m weird or anything, but I was wondering if you would do me the honor of letting me kiss your feet.” Net: Well how nice! My jaw just dropped. He then went on to say that “your beauty is exquisite and should be rewarded.”
Hello?? Get a new pickup line, buddy. So he gets all sheepish looking and says, “Oh, I guess I can’t convince you then.” I’m like, HELL NO, IDIOT!! Net: Looks like he’ll just have to settle for worshipping the ground you walk on. OK, so I’m wondering who this little dingbat is and if this has happened to anyone else??? Just wondering … have a nice day y’all!
IMPOSTERBLE!
From Rollerdiva: Honestly Net, do you really think I actually drink Evian water like that other peroxi-blondie Madonna in her black-and-white cult epic “Truth or Dare”? Net: (*ngk*) sorry, Roller, we just … I think not! This diva only spreads her lips for the imported French nugget Volvic spring water or the ph-neutral, electrolyte-loaded smart water by Glaceau, which also comes in other yummy flavors like watermelon and lemonlite. Evian is for the unenlightened diva wannabes like Rollergirl. Net: There was more, but that brings us to the end. Sorry, Roller.
Wanna get printed tomorrow? Send us your “Phantom Menace” critiques. Good luck and good morrow.
