Well, well … you …

Well, well … you came back!
Are you all rested now? Are your skins browned, your bank accounts fattened and/or your laurels flattened? We certainly hope you all savored your little week of bliss. We also want to know how you did it. Your stories, your stories — our kingdom for your stories! The most implausible, incredible, inconceivable spring break tales shall get preferential treatment on Friday. Your stories!
Revel, Networkians — ’tis the dawn of the last quarter at the U — ever! Get your syllabus, find a seat and doze a bit …

Net: The following is a response to a plea from QueenSucks, which appeared Friday, March 12. QueenSucks was upset that her “headcase” TA, whom she called JC, had publicly displayed her mid-quarter evaluation for all the class to ridicule. OK … everybody up to speed now? From JC “The Headcase” TA: In this, my first and final obsequious submission to the almighty Network, I beseech the NITWIT team and others: forgive QueenSucks, although she may not know the deep truth of what she says! I feel so persecuted, and she doesn’t even care. What drives those nails in deeper is the fact that QueenSucks was in my argumentation class, and the best she can come up with is “What a jerk!” She’s right: Not even divine intervention could help me teach her. … Net: But perhaps Freddie Mercury could’ve. Mama mia!

From CastratingDomTA: Excuse me, oh Network, while I pull out my whip and lace up my 4-inch-heel, knee-high leather boots … Ahh … That’s more like it. To QueenSucks: You are an idiot. I know who you are; you’re every little piss-ant who sits in the back of my classroom with a sneer on your face, daring me to “teach” you anything. You’re every pasty-faced, guppie-eyed slag who smacks his gum loudly and crackles his Doritos bag when I’m trying to talk. You’re every lazy chump who doesn’t read the directions to my assignments — and when you fail — you come crying to me, begging for my help. You’re every student with an attitude I’ve ever had the displeasure of teaching because you somehow think that I’m supposed to “beam” knowledge into your head. It doesn’t work that way you troglodyte! Net: Troglodyte — 1) One who creeps in holes; cave dweller. 2) Anyone who lives in a primitive or degenerate fashion. (Next week we’ll introduce the Network Glossary.) It’s a contract, and you haven’t upheld your end of the bargain. I’m not JC, but Net: You play him on TV? I am your worst nightmare. You can call me psycho when I’m grinding your pea-sized brain under the heel of my 4-inch boot. Net: We don’t know about the rest of you, but we’re having trouble deciding whether we might not enjoy that …
From Darlin’ Klemintine: Hi Network! I’m trying to start up a “take back spring break” movement. Hopefully this haiku can get things going:

Want to head south, but
you jock rocks ruin the beaches.
Drown in your vomit.

From Chimera: Hey, Network, now that I’ve finished my finals and have looked ahead Net: a-HEM… be-hind at the break to come, Net: AA-HHEM!! that was I had a few thoughts. Most of them revolve around the fact I am able to escape the cities for a little bit. However, there are those who aren’t so fortunate. This is for them:

Want to leave St. Paul
And Minneapolis burg
For spring break … but can’t.

Gas prices are high;
Don’t even think of plane fares;
A conspiracy.

Stuck in the cities –
Woe is me, alas, alas,
Woe is me, alas.

From Rolo Lover: I would like to dedicate this haiku to the wonderful stranger (Jenna, according to her U Card) who lent me 65 cents yesterday Net: Ahh … like … two weeks ago, actually. We’re behind out of the blue to feed my Rolo habit. People like her are hard to find.

Great need for Rolos.
I have no cash, I am lost.
Thank you, I am found.

From winka or perfectly_bedazzled (formerly purplee_bedazzled Net: Sorry, our bad):

i’m going to class,
gotta look my very best.
school daze, here i come.

it’s really quite odd,
we go to class to get laid.
i can’t get a date!

and if sex ain’t key,
how do you measure $ucce$$?
a confusing mess.

go to school six years,
to get a job that i’ll hate.
“you want fries with that?”

advisors can’t help,
semesters got them tied up.
i’ve changed majors twice!

and what makes it worse?
we’re all pissed at each other
“want a piece of me?”

From The Grapper:

I register last.
Three night courses I will take.
I am the Grapper.

From The Dream:
Hay! Roses are red
Violets are blue. Replacement
for stupid Haiku