The new film ‘Failure to Launch,’ well, it fails to launch

Adorable but utterly boring actors just can’t make this film succeed

Tatum Fjerstad

This is too easy.

Paramount Pictures slaps an offbeat romantic comedy together with cutesy-tootsy Sarah Jessica Parker and ruggedly adorable Matthew McConaughey and calls it “Failure to Launch.”

I was supposed to watch the same tired plotline and write a review of a film that already has the word failure in the name? The puns, the jokes, the irony! It’s killing me!

OK, deep breath.

We’re taught in journalism school to show and not tell, to give our readers a sense of what’s going on in our own words without using pop culture references. Sorry, professors. I have to bust the rules on this one.

This is the white, female version of “Hitch” with the same plotline as “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” Instead of starring the charming Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Carrie, I mean Parker, plays the protagonist, Paula. The “Sex and the City” star can’t play any other role, so I don’t know why I bother passing out her real name.

Instead of hooking people up, Paula’s business involves hooking up with a guy so he’ll move out of his parents’ house. His mom and pop foot the bill. She’s developed a “fool-proof” 10-step plan to get him out of the house, and no customers have gone unsatisfied – until now.

But, as unprecedented in film history as it might be, she falls for one of the guys, Tripp, (McConaughey) and love makes things messy. What will happen? How can they fix it? Let’s all look at Parker standing alone in the rain, listen to some acoustic guitar and wonder how her character will fix this one.

Don’t worry. I’m not in the business of spoiling the same old gag-inducing plotline. I’ll let you waste your money to find that out.

McConaughey plays a thirtysomething freeloader who lives upstairs at his parents house. He has two friends who claim the same luxurious lifestyle.

All three guys, despite lacking decent employment, are constantly active; they go hiking, biking, rock climbing, surfing and play paintball. Each outing lends itself to some cliché physical comedy, and in three cases animals attack Tripp – just because it’s funny.

But it is important to prepare you and your stomach for a certain comical element of the film. You get to see Terry Bradshaw play Tripp’s dad. You also get to see his white, bare butt. That’s right, I said, “get to.” This nakedness and canned comedy are what the film needs less of.

Paula has a roommate, Kit, played by the glorious Zooey Deschanel (“Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy”), who is the edgy angsty, monotonous, all-knowing roommate who drinks Bud Light in a can and has an adorable sense of style. Kit has what the film needs more of.

I suppose these kinds of films are great for dopey, hopeless romantics and high school girls. Fortunately, I am neither, and films like these make me squirm.