Pucksters look to jazz up game for fans

Twiddle Bean

Oops, she did it again.
And the women’s hockey team is pissed.
After losing yet another fan to the purchase of a Britney Spears CD, the Gopher pucksters are seeing their once record-setting crowds diminish with the onset of crap pop.
Where preteen and teen girls once made up 80 percent of the crowd at Mariucci Arena during a Minnesota homestand, now hardly any show up, choosing instead to trade in their jerseys and season tickets for tube tops and hot pants in order to mimic Spears.
For one eighth grade former Gopher fan, the choice to scrap groundbreaking athletic role models for one of a more seamy stature was easy.
“I could come here and be inspired by the first Minnesota women’s program to earn a national title or I could practice my pole dance in a flesh colored belly shirt,” Christine Miller said. “The choice was pretty easy for me.”
In response to their dwindling fan base, the women’s hockey program has submitted a proposal to women’s athletics highlighting ways to bring back their once strong home crowd.
The proposal — which comes with a three million dollar price tag — forces the team to forgo building a much-needed new arena in favor of spicing up the team with a new appearance and attitude.
The first in a long list of changes to be made to the team will be two stage shows done between periods of home games.
In the same vein as Spears, the players will don elaborate costumes and use the men’s hockey team as backup dancers while singing such groundbreaking hits as “Lucky” and “…Baby One More Time.”
Senior goaltender Erica Killewald — who has nurtured a singing career between stopping shots — will be in charge of much of the songwriting and voice coaching.
“That fifteen minutes between periods is just used to rest, regroup and set up plays,” Killewald is rumored to have said. “That’s just enough time to put on a Vegas-style show and give away a Corvette before we have to be back on the ice.”
The players will also be given personas — much like WWF wrestlers — and will act out skits throughout the twenty-minute periods.
Senior Nadine Muzerall, who gave up a four-year theatre scholarship in order to play hockey for the Gophers, has assigned each player a nickname and a gimmick to play out through the season.
Though sophomore Ronda “trying-to-balance-medical-school-and-a-varsity-sport-while-caring-for-orphaned-siblings” Curtin and senior Ambria “searching-for-her-birthmother-who-is-really-the-coach-of-the-rival-team” Thomas never thought they’d be incorporating singing, dancing and acting into their hockey careers, they were rumored to have called it a nice change of pace.
“Sure we’d like a new arena, but not if it’s going to sell out for Britney Spears concerts and not hockey,” Thomas is alleged to have said.
Curtin is thought to have agreed.
“Now when you come to a game you not only see kickass hockey but a stage show and on-ice drama within the team. I’d like to see Britney Spears top that!”