Kirsten is a dunce

Even in ‘Elizabethtown,’ actress Kirsten Dunst’s niceness cannot mask her idiocy

Keri Carlson

Certain actors, no matter how many different roles they play, cannot overcome themselves. It is not entirely their fault; our culture puts such an emphasis on celebrities that even when an actor is dressed as an Egyptian pharaoh and saving the earth from aliens, she is still seen as a Hollywood star. And the audience is conscious at all times that this pharaoh is an actor and that they are watching a movie.

When watching Jennifer Lopez, Ben Affleck, Cameron Diaz, Hilary Duff and Mel Gibson, I cannot separate the character from the movie star. I’ve always thought this has to do with talent – these actors are just bad. However, sometimes it’s just because the actor annoys me.

Kirsten Dunst probably has some acting talent; after all, she’s been acting since she was about 7 years old. I liked “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” “Spider-Man,” “Dick” and “The Virgin Suicides.” Still, there’s something about Kirsten Dunst I find so friggin’ annoying!

The way Kirsten Dunst talks reminds me of how lame people talk to dogs or babies. Her tone is always high-pitched and aw-shucks like a Midwestern mommy.

But here’s really why I hate Kirsten Dunst:

In “Bring It On,” Kirsten acts like an idiotic ditz and has to ask the attractive brooding boy next to her if the band on his T-shirt is his band.

“No!!! It’s The Clash!!!!!” he says (I’ve added the exclamation points for dramatics, because, c’mon! The Clash!).

I suppose this beef has more to do with the “Bring It On” writers than Kirsten, but since I don’t see the writers in magazines, movie trailers and talk shows, Kirsten gets subjected to my wrath.

The worst part of this film is that I’m supposed to believe that this boy – who also has a room full of indie and punk rock posters like The Cramps, The Ramones and Built to Spill – falls for this opposite because she’s so charming, irresistible and cute.

I cannot find Kirsten Dunst cute, at least not when her mouth is moving, because Kirsten acts too much like an airhead. I refuse to think dumb people can be so irresistible that their unawareness of The Clash is excusable.

The latest offense is “Elizabethtown.” In this film, Kirsten’s character is supposed to be wise, quirky, witty, spontaneous, whimsical and any other muse-like characteristics. Plus she likes good music.

But! For me, Kirsten acted so over the top, trying to encapsulate the idea of a perfect female that she comes off just as goofy and clueless as in “Bring It On.”

Her only charm, as far as I can tell, relies on her clean-cut, all-American girl image. She’s nice and giggly.

Nice people, though, are always just making up for a lack of real personality.

– Keri Carlson welcomes comments at [email protected]