Net: So there we were, pondering our Fourth of July plans, when we realized that THE FOURTH OF JULY HAS COME AND GONE ALREADY!!!
Will somebody PLEASE tell us what the hell happened? Did this pathetic, thinly atmosphered BB of a planet slip through a time-warp or something?
Get ready to winterize your cars, Networkians. Summer’s going out of style like striped pants and rollerblades … sheesh!
OMIGAWD, WE WERE, LIKE, TOTALLY KIDDING AND STUFF!
From The Anti-Divas: Dr. Morgan and Captain Pepper (who the hell wants to be lumped into the same category as Shania Twain and Celine Dion?) Net: Lumped? We could handle that … just not the category part: Whoa … due to the slightly vicious responses to our woeful tales of life without men, Net: How DARE you go around without men! What the hell were you THINKING?! we wonder if we shouldn’t put a disclaimer atop every letter reading, “Warning: Tongues planted firmly in cheeks!” Net: Mahes ih kinah hawd to taahk.
Oh, fer Chrissake! Sarcasm is our lives. Net: Waaait a minute … does this mean our date is off? It is the reason that our lists of favorite celebrities include Dennis Miller, Janeane Garofalo, Net: Say THAT with your tongue in your cheek and the new Mr. “Blue Eyes,” Jon Stewart. Hence, the reason we wrote into Network — to try and ease the transition into dismal dorm life and shake things up a bit. So, here are the personal rants that we have toward everybody’s (except Network, the reigning University of Minnesota King of Sarcasm) overreaction/overanalysis of our contributions:
Dr. Morgan speaking here … I’d just like to say I don’t personally wear Abercrombie. Why the hell ANYONE would pay $100 to virtually be a billboard for Abercrombie, I don’t know. Net: It’s how Obsequians identify each other. We’re serious. I’m more of a Target girl myself, thankyouverymuch. While I may find some of the guys in the aforementioned catalog quite exquisite, that doesn’t mean they’re the kind of guy I go after. Net: What about the guys in the Target ads? Come on … I can’t count on one hand the number of times I’ve fallen for an Dockers-wearing, Net: Or Pro Spirit? IT/computer science man. I may be a generically cute, stereotypical Minnesota girl, but I’m really an anime-watching, computer programmer-wannabe geek at heart.
Here’s the Captain‘s professional opinion: (1) Women can still be true women (or “Peppers”) if they chase/look for men. Net: Or if they enjoy nauseatingly sugary recreational beverage combinations. Go to the bar, go to the dentist, eh? Maybe it’s just ’cause I’m not from Minnesota, but please tell me that you are not a bunch of “Rules” women up here waiting for fate to drop Mr. Right onto your doorstep, complete with culinary, masseuse and sensitivity training! (2) If these boys wearing A&F make you that angry, lighten up! I stopped judging people’s personalities by the clothes they wore when I graduated high school FIVE YEARS AGO! Net: What about the guy in the “I’m With Stupid” T-Shirt? He deserves to be judged. The small loans I’d have to take out to purchase their clothes make me stick to ogling their boy-toys (which women can do today, right? ).
FORGET FROGS AND LOCUSTS
From WeePeePee the righteous: Pharoah Yudof, you called down the thunder — well, now you got it. The Lord is angry for your refusal to let my people go, so he is visiting his second plague upon you. Even as we speak, the Angel of Death is roaming the campus, Net: Bill Gates is here?! striking down every administrator related to the Men’s Athletic Department. Net: Ohh … you’re talking about Glazier and Lewis (attorneys investigating the University academic fraud scandal). One by one, your administration will suffer embarrassment and humiliation Net: Not Mark Rotenberg. He’s untouchable as it is revealed how they conspired with Jan Gangle-angle-ling-a-ding-do-hoff to guarantee that Miles Tarver and Kyle “Duh” Sanden would pass their Home Ec. 1101 finals. Only those who have written “Chapel Hill” in Gopher’s blood on their office doors shall survive. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Remember Pharoah, we still got five more plagues to go so don’t give us an excuse. Net: Aooowh … but we WANTED to see the plagues! Can you bring the plagues anyway? As for everybody else, WeePeePee‘s Exodus ’99 is still right on track; my parent’s mini-van is full of gas, and we are almost ready to mobilize once I get this little arrest warrant thing with the city of Pittsburgh cleared up (God I hate that city!).
GOOD RIDDANCE, YA PIRATE
From Northernphile: Hello Network. Yo Weepeepee, nobody will be WEEPeeing when you go south; Net: The Pig’s Eye brewery will see a dramatic drop in sales nobody likes a traitor. You, being a virtual Benedict Arnold Net: Actually, the Brits probably liked ol’ Benny Arnold, so … somebody does, in fact, like a traitor. What nobody likes is a carpetbagging fratboy to this fine institution called the University of Minnesota, will not be missed. Anyone who chooses to mingle with the toilet of the United States deserves what’s comin’ your way, i.e. cockroaches, Net: Cockfights KKK rallies, Net: Monster truck rallies people who still complain about losing the war (the Civil, that is) Net: People who still complain about statutory laws and those damn annoying accents. In my opinion, even a trace of a twang deserves a smack upside the head. Net: And can make a nuclear physicist sound like a Clampett. I’m sure you’ll have the time of your life. I’m sure those southern classrooms full of pretty, PRETTY people will welcome an ugly, vertically challenged Minnesotan with open arms (yeah, you know it’s true). So please leave our beautiful, rich and superior state, which enjoys all four seasons for that stinking cesspool that we should have let secede when we had the chance.