Net: A veritable cornucopia of letters and topics for your perusal today, Networkians. Truly, a little something for everyone!
From JedFibbleKorn: I got my season hockey tickets this year and darn near cried when I saw I was in Section 14 near the top again. Last year I would have gladly swapped seats with anyone in Section 3. Why? Net: You’re a horrible monster and pray for death? Because, sitting near the top, I got sick of hearing “Hey, Nicklin, you still suck.” and other witty rejoinders. Maybe everyone else in Section 14 thought the antics of those top 3 rows was funny, but try sitting a row or two in front of them. Net: Were they interrupting your knitting? You not only go deaf, but you really lose a passion for hockey. And did anyone else in the arena think their imitations of Superman or Obi-Wan and Darth Vader were even remotely amusing? Do we really care that Dave needs to be fed? Net: Zuh? For the love of God, if any of you “Superfans” from Section 14 are reading this, please take my advice and drink a big ol’ glass of shut-up juice Net: i.e. Everclear before every game. Thank you and good night.
WANNA SEX ‘U’ UP
From PubLabsGuy: Reading about how sweetchica would like to seduce one of ’em flyer-hander-outers, made me think of a couple of things. How about those guys who hand out those little bibles on the corners? Net: They do appear primed for some boot-knockin’ And perhaps the guys with the little name tags Net: We always wondered why they wore name tags. Maybe so people can insult them easier and more effectively? that wander around and ask if they could speak to you about Jesus. Could the whole of womankind do a good thing and “take them out” too? Heh … Or perhaps Public Lab Attendents … like the ones that work at 201 Union ST between 7:30 a.m. and 1p.m. on Tuesdays? Any fantasies about Public Lab Attendents? (Stay away from the IT Labs people, they’re “different”) As long as it’s a woman of course … Net: Free your mind, mamma-jamma! (ahem!) Oh never mind!
From SuperFreak: Hey, Net. I have responded to Chico’s wishes to hear about female self-indulgment. Net: It’s about time! The readers were getting “antsy” Here is what I have to say: Thank goodness for potholes! They are responsible for making my bus ride extremely pleasurable, with orgasms lasting several blocks! Net: We always wanted to see someone perform a pole dance in a bus Forget the long vegetables, it is possible to receive intense, no-hands pleasure on the bus, if you sit just right and concentrate. Net: “Um, excuse me, ma’am, could you please refrain from humping my backpack?” Of course, my hand will always be my first choice, but if I have to sit on the bus for two hours a day, I might as well look forward to it. So, ladies: buy that U-pass Net: Maybe they should call it the O-pass now and “hop on” for the joyride of your life!
From Uncle Sam: It may be late but I thought I’d throw out the hands-down best place to get laid on campus. Remember back to the days of your U of M orientation? Net: Memories fading Á so long ago Á light dying Á Being toured around our wondrous campus? One stop that always stuck out in my mind are the two places in the University where, if you stand in the right place, you can talk and hear yourself from all around — in a sort of echo chamber. Why not make use of these places! Lay down with that special person and here her screams coming at your from all around! Now that is an erotic experience. I know I have made it my lifelong dream to get down and dirty in this wondrous phenomenal sight. And for those of you who truly want to experience the danger … try at the West Bank one (between Ferguson and Anderson) around 11 when MicroEcon gets out. Net: Find yourself a nice soprano or alto (we always liked altos, ourselves) from Ferguson. Make her hit those high notes Good luck.
From Abbey Someone: I have read with great sympathy the entries as of late concerning difficulty of getting through a long lecture with a content lacking Daily. Knowing that people have resorted to reading the classifieds is truly heart-breaking. Net: Indeed, we’ve even been known to even read the Opinions page once we’re done with the classifieds, page numbers, and coloring in all the ‘o’s and I would like to share with my fellow Networkians what I do with my Daily to make a three hour lecture go faster: Go through and circle all the letters of the alphabet in order, and see how many times you can get all 26 without repeating. (I could beat my record of 4 if Net would graciously pepper this edition of entries with X’s and Q’s) Net: We’re not your triple-xxx bitch I also like to go through my Daily with a red pen and draw nipples on all the women appearing in the pictures. Net: We like to do that too, but in real life This works especially well on Thursdays when the Daily runs the ads from all the strip joints. Net, you would make me a very happy man if you would print a picture of an ample-bosomed woman with my entry so I and all my fellow horny Network pals could draw a set of nipples on her. Net: You got it (see figure ##1) Feel free to send us your completed creations! You’ve printed pictures in Network before, so I know it can be done. What do you say? Net: Yowsa!