COMIC RELIEF Fro…

COMIC RELIEF

From Oak: Ever since they took Doonesbury off this page, Net: What the hell is the fascination with Doonesbury? Didn’t that comic stop being funny when Gary Hart stopped sleeping around and Reagan was still coherent? Granted, “The Duplex” is no “Calvin & Hobbes,” but at least you don’t have to be Tim Russert to enjoy the damn thing. I haven’t touched the Daily, but yesterday, there was one sitting in front of me, so I decided to see how bad it had gotten. Net: With constructive criticism like that, we can’t help but improve! Now get your boot out of our ass! I’m sorry, Network, but I have never seen a more whiny bunch of incoherent letters. Net: You’re telling us. Closed circuit to funny people: Your input is needed. Badly. Haven’t you noticed we’re a little long-winded this morn? It’s not really your fault, though. Of course you could be a lot meaner. Be meaner. It’s what you’ve got to work with. Net: Finally. Someone who really understands. A shoulder on which to rest our massive noggins emerges from the fog of platitude. What would Picasso be without right angles? What would Mike Tyson be without the fix? What would Larry Flynt be without naked chicks? Rise, people, and let your voice be heard! The fate of Networkia rests not in our hands, but in yours!
If these letters are the best of the bunch Net: Translation: The bunch. it is surely a sign of the end of the world. Yes! that and the replacement of Doonesbury for atrociously bad comics are signs to us all, beware, beware, beware!
1-900-DO-A-‘DIVA

Net: The tastes of you nubile Networkians never cease to leave us confused. Rollerdiva had us oozing with sass in all the right places after her dazzling entry Tuesday, but for reasons unbeknownst to us, it went largely ignored. We left the door wide open — ouch! — for a treatise on cunnilingus, and all we get is …
From Tasty Young Buck: Say, Almighty Net, do you think you could put me in touch with Rollerdiva? Net: She can be reached at www.leopardskinpanties_notjustforbreakfastanymore.com. She sounds like my kind of gal!
Net: That’s right, folks. Network has become a dating service for timid freshpeople in want of a little “Risky Business.” You should all be ashamed.
BUDDHISTAVA NOTHER

From Baby Buddha: This goes out to Alabama Charlie: You are an idiotic freak who couldn’t come up with an original thought to save your life. Net: For a second there we thought you were referring to Weird Al Yankovic. And to all you stupid-ass Institute of Technology people who think it’s not important to be able to speak English just because you think you’re smarter than GOD, you’re morons. That’s right — morons! Net: See how the brevity and punctuation of the preceding sentence really hammered home his point? You ITers could learn a thing or two in comp class. Learn to communicate, dammit! I have had enough from all the IT teaching assistants talking like they’re in kindergarten. So what if you know more about math and science than I; you all talk like a bunch of idiots! Net: Spoken like a true grammatical wizard. That really sucks. As for you, Network, you think you’re all cool with your little smart-ass remarks, but you suck ass, too. Net: We like to think our smart-assedness extends beyond the realm of ass-sucking. To where, exactly, we have no idea. But, at any rate, you’ve given us a thing or two to mull over while we plot your death. I bet you also think you’re better than the Net: >? What gives you the right to not print anything about the Net: >? They have feelings, too, and I bet if they could read they’d kick your ass. But Rollerdiva, you rule and I want you to suck my c%&k! Thank you all for understanding my frustration. Net: Lissen up, kiddo. Freud wouldn’t understand your frustration. Now go out and kill somebody; it’s fun, and it rids the world of MORONS LIKE ALL OF YOU!!
WHO’LOTTA SUCKIN’ GOIN’ ON

From Tiggs: Greetings, Net. Well, the time has come for Tiggsy to return to Network. I am needed now. Net: Actually, you’re needed more now than you were about a month ago when you actually sent this entry. But we’re hip to your jive. There is way too much arguing over very stupid things. You all are about to witness the final word to every argument. Ready? Here it is: > suck, construction sucks, bikers suck, pedestrians suck, frats suck, protesters suck but are quite amusing at times Net: Much like Rollerdiva, wethinks, the College of Liberal Arts sucks, IT sucks. I actually am an ITer, but in my years of study at this institution, it is quite apparent that IT also sucks. Deal with it, freshmen. Dr. Date sucks, some of the Daily cartoons suck, 8 a.m. classes suck, not having a Daily in 8 a.m. classes sucks, Net: 8 a.m.? Try 10 a.m. Now THAT sucks. University Dining Services sucks, that goofy copper building sucks and, finally, Wisconsin, the Packers and fans of either suck. Net: You forgot Fav-ruh sucks. We always thought he was better on Vicodin. There you have it. Now, you might wonder what’s left that doesn’t suck. Net: A five-minute date with a thirsty Rollerdiva? I will enlighten you with that information as well. Sleeping in and skipping class is cool. Sex is very cool, and, yes, there are ITers like me who can get it way more than you CLA people whining about our social lives. Net: Who’s the white-bread IT geek who’s a sex machine to all the chicks? Tiggs! You damn right. Graduating sure seems like it will be cool. Net: The Man would have you believe that graduation is a possibility. But the super-ultra-mega-seniors know better. But then working real jobs probably will suck. Hockey is cool; we’re in Minnesota, so I couldn’t leave this one out. Net: Here’s something to ponder: Is Gophers hockey still cool? Snow is cool. You can take that literally or not; your choice. Finally, the Network with entries by Tiggs is cool.