WHERE HAVE YOU GONE…

WHERE HAVE YOU GONE, KIRBY ?
Net: Today we commemorate the seventh anniversary of the second world championship of the Minnesota Twins. Yes, it was a mere seven years ago that the Braves were defeated by Jack Morris in a 10-inning seventh game that showed Minnesota was truly “major league.”
But times change. Kirby got hit in the head with a fastball, and his eye went bad. Grunge came and went. And today not even hometown boys like Terry Steinbach can get market value, because there just ain’t the revenue base (or so they tell us). We carry on. Play ball.


IN DEFENSE OF RALPH
From Marge: I was just sitting here reading another “Network” write-in Net: Good for you. By the way, the phone never did ring and was noticing how many people can actually waste their time bitching about freshmen. Net: Hey — some people waste their time printing newspapers, too. But they both keep us in business. Who gives a hoot if they walk around Dinkytown trying to find a party or if they want to get noticed and get some publication? Net: Perhaps people who never get invited to parties, or people who are hungry for publicity.
It’s like poor Ralph on “The Simpsons.” He tries so hard just to fit in, and everyone gives him so much crap. All he’s trying to do is be himself, and nobody appreciates it — they all give him grief.
Everyone around here has been in Ralph’s position at least once, Net: Probably not Yudof. It helps to start at the top being a person in the crowd just trying to fit in — a little freshman just trying to get noticed. I’m sure all you previous Ralphs wished that someone older or more experienced would have simply given you the time of day at one point and would have helped you find a party or helped you fit in and make your time in the big city a bit more comfortable. Net: Hey — we still wish for that every day, and we’re getting a little long in the tooth around here.
Well, for all you little Ralphs out there — good luck. Net: Thanks. We needed that. And, for all you anti-Ralphs, try to find something more worth your while to complain about. Thanks for your time.

From PornChica: Hiya Network!! Net: Hiya!! to you!!! How’s the coffee today?!!!!!
OK, here’s my 2 bits for the day. First of all, to Matt Ditter: Rock on, man!
The next time someone asks you what kind of a grade you got, either A) ask him how long his penis is, and when he says “12 inches,” say “yeah, I got an A”; or B) Ask her when the baby’s due. That should shut him or her up. Net: And probably ensure that him or her will never speak to you again.
Secondly, I have this friend, (yes, contrary to popular belief, I do have one). Net: In that statement you are assuming people think about whether you have friends. Arrogance will get you nothing — except our job, maybe.
Anyway, he’s supposedly “friends” with this stripper he met and who he has visited and “purchased” at the strip club a few times (OK, more than a few). Net: Ooohh — we’re so impressed.
Now, when I talk to him about this girl, he gets upset, saying no one understands that she’s not like the stereotypical stripper, and it’s not fair to judge her. Net: For evaluative purposes, it would be helpful to know exactly what you’re saying that brings this defensive reaction.
So I have two questions I want answered: 1) Is it wrong to question this relationship and the girl’s motives? and 2) Would it be wrong of me to ask her to star in one of my PORN movies? Net: WHAT?!?! One moment we suspect puritanism, the next moment an endorsement of the medium that brought us Long Dong Silver. “Orgazmo” wasn’t this confused. I mean, she already has some “smut” industry experience. I’d like to know what the readers think. Net: Now you want them to think of this? Does your ego know no heights? Thanks.

AN IDLE THREAT?
From Da Roadster: Warning: The next student who walks out in front of my car will be smashed. Net: They probably ARE smashed if they’re walking in front of your car. But we have a warning, too, Roadster: We know your name. Back off.
What the hell is wrong with these students at the U? Net: Bad breeding. Do they not know that when the light is red, that means stop? Net: Hey — call us relativistic.
Every day I have to deal with students who jump in front of my car Net: That’s a great image. Just imagine the freshmen — “Look — there’s Da Roadster! JUMP!!! when I have the green light or turn signal. They act as if they don’t even see cars coming. I can tell most of them are freshmen because they are still looking down at their class schedule! Net: See earlier letter. Students think they can get away with walking out in front of cars because other drivers are nice and they just sit and wait for them to walk across. Net: What are they supposed to do — KILL THEM? Oops — we forgot your thesis.
Then you have the students on bikes who think they just own the streets. Net: And we’re not even going to get to that now, are we? If you are one of these idiots, ask yourself — is getting to class early worth getting hit?