BIKE LETTER ##3,245
From Aeyola: Net who is hailed and revered, Net: Nice intro. I was really pissed of by the events my day has brought, and I wished to vent. I don’t have any pets, and my one friend seems to be unavailable at this time, so I thought, “Hey, Net will print any inane drivel that comes into their hands these days!” Net: And SO perceptive. We think we have a catch.
Thus, I decided to write to you. My issue is bikers. Net: Warning: Inane drivel ahead. I am one. I love my bike dearly. It is my recreation, my transportation, and a lot cheaper than a car! Net: But the Beach Boys never sang about it.
Well, I was biking to an appointment the other day and nearly killed at least a dozen times by inconsiderate drivers in their CARS! The bigger the car, truck, bus, etc., the more likely the driver was to ignore my existence. NOW, I may be the nastiest, meanest, most inconsiderate driver on the road, (I’m not, but speaking hypothetically …) but at least I give respect to bikers. We may not have motors, but we’re vehicle operators, too, and have just as much right to be on the road!
Most drivers in this country seem to adopt the attitude, “Ha ha ha, you don’t matter because my car (often an extension of the phallus) is bigger than your puny bike!” Police should start being more stringent about enforcing bikers’ rights on the road.
There should also be stricter penalties for those who break the laws where bikers are concerned, particularly if the biker is injured. Let’s try summary execution! That’d get people to respect bikers! Hehehehehe. … Net: Actually, it’s that sort of excessive punishment that brings on revolution. So we’re all for it!
Net: The ongoing …
… continue.
SUSPICIOUS SQUIRREL MOVEMENTS
From Squirrel Slayer: I just wanted to tell you a quick story about something I did recently. Net: So do we. See, we were at the proctologist, and … I was sitting outside of Walter enjoying a bag of chips when a small squirrel Net: As opposed to the large ones, which are only seen on University buses came up to me and eyed my precious bag of chips.
I held the bag in front of the squirrel in an inviting manner so as to draw him in closer.
Meanwhile, I reached into my backpack with my other hand and grabbed my calc book, the biggest one I had with me at the time. When the squirrel was about a foot away from me I threw the book at the squirrel and hit him square on the head. Net: Now, wait a minute. What was the squirrel’s crime here? LOOKING at you? “Mom — the squirrel’s looking at me. Make him stop.” Try picking on someone your own size, Slayer. You’re becoming over-vigilant.
“That’ll teach him,” I thought. Then I watched as he crawled away and started begging for food from someone else. This is a warning to all you squirrel fanatics: I know how to spot you, and I know how to hurt you. Net: And, as you have a proven track record of violence, perhaps we should heed your words. Or maybe call the cops. And if you try anything, I will.
Muuuaaaaahhhhahahahah!!!!! Net: Sgt. May, where are you when we need you?
SQUIRREL REDUX
From The Squirrel Fighter: We have defeated the squirrels; Net: We have? Nobody told us! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO PRINT NOW!?!?! now it is time to move on to an even greater enemy. Net: The producers of summer blockbusters? I will invade Parking Services and beat the University on its own ground. Net: We’ll be sure to offer our fullest moral support. I have an exam, so I’ll make this quick. I’ll need any vehicle on campus that is capable of escaping the Huron Boulevard. lots over the curbs, anyone who drives a bus, and yes, even NITWIT. Net: Sorry. NITWIT has a pedicure appointment. And some of our readers might be hesitant to turn over the keys to anyone who calls himself The Squirrel Fighter.
We will capture the Huron lots, carpool lots, dorm contract lots, and most importantly the ramps, which are the staging point for every fee increase on the lots.
