HELL HAS FROZEN Net…

HELL HAS FROZEN
Net: And some said it would never happen. Embattled Daily cartoonist Nate Melcher has received *shudder* support mail. Anyway, here’s *shudder* proof of Melcher’s support. To those who wrote about non-Melcherian issues, your letters will have your day. Until then, continue drinking. Lots.
From EggyToast: Well, Network, there’s a mouse running around in the ceiling above me, and the pitter-patter of little feet has prompted me to write in. Net: It beats buyin’ a bug bomb. Actually, it’s just a covert operation to attempt to get on BackTalk. My previous nefarious plot was concerning offering oral sex to Messr. Net: Zuh? Melcher Net: Wha? to continue his wonderful Net: Erm? “Caseous” cartoon during summer (and all of next year), but I simply neglected to write in. Net: We suspect something amiss. A Melcharious plot perhaps? Actually, do you think he’d go for it? Net: We’ve known Mr. Melcher, and yes, we think he’d go for anything involving sex. We suspect he’s kinky. I think I was/am the only fan of “Caseous” (and boy, what a huge fan I was/am!) Net: OK, now we know this letter’s a fake … he might even decide to write me into an episode (if I can “convince” him to do more).
Speaking of “Caseous,” are there any students alive anymore on the mplz campus? Net: Nice transition. Very Melchuous. I’ve spent most of the “summer” on St. Paul (since it’s prettier — and no I’m not an ag student, despite the name) and was curious about the “lesser half” of our binary campus. Net: Carlson students? They’re out licking … nevermind. We don’t want any Gary Coleman episodes. Yet. When are they moving the Daily office over to St. Paul, by the way? Net: Well, by our watch, we’d say half-past never. It’s already tucked almost out of sight from most of the students in mplz, so why not take it one step further and just plop it behind Lori’s (or replace Lori’s) or under the new pretty ramp? Net: Because then we’d be near the St. Paul campus. ‘Nuff said. Besides, then you could witness the wonders of the Farmhouse frat and Beta of Clovia, and see for yourself what all the fuss (not necessarily a “good fuss”) is about. Net: Pass. And all the fresh cow air would likely do wonders for the Daily staffers’ sinuses, after being cooped up in the monoxide-ridden “lesser half” of our binary campus. Net: Daily-myth-exposed No. 43: We don’t have a staff. Net knows, sees and does ALL. Except those front-page stories. Those are submitted by J-School students high on moldy jalapenos.

From Obi: Hail and well meet, Net! Net: *Taking a shot of tequila* Hmm, that both rhymed and sounded stupid at the same. That can mean only one thing: Net: You’ll never, ever use that sentence again? School’s out for the summer (well for those of us who aren’t taking summer session, ifyaknowwhatImean). So anywho, I thought I’d keep myself in the “Net Regulars” spotlight and not fall off radar like that Roller-something-something. Net: Rolla’s not off our radar, ifyaknowwhatwe’resayin’. Which reminds me, I miss the Simpsons. Net: How on Net’s green Earth does that remind you of the Simpsons? Ignorance. We’re surrounded by ignorance (a problem here at the Daily). With the two jobs I’m now working, I miss both the Sunday episode and the weekday hour of power. Oh well, I guess I’ll survive. Net: We’re rooting against that. Fortunately, I have a kick-ass DVD collection and lots of friends to watch with. It almost makes up for the Simpsons thing. Cast my vote in with my good friend Yonko about Melcher. Net: Derp? Melcher kicks ass, quite literally; you wouldn’t believe it unless you saw it. He has some serious mad Jedi skillz, ifyaknowwhatImean. Net: Weknowexactlywhatyamean. Who but a friend of Melcher’s would write in talking about him as a Jedi-skillz master? We suspect a plot, and hereby ban Melcher comments for the remainder of the week. Or not. Whatever. Well, time to get back to “work,” being a “productive” “member” of “society.” Damn, I’ve seen Austin Powers way too many times. TTFN. Net: BU (Bite us).
GRADUATES SUCK
From BananaGirl: Can’t resist but say — Pee Wee, do you enjoy what you’re doing with your life? Maybe if you had stayed home for a couple more nights and did some studying, Net: Zah? you might have gotten a better job that you actually like. Did you ever think of that? Guess not. I’m sure as heck not an authority on this subject, but it seems to me that even if I don’t enjoy every second of my college career and did well, I could get a job that means something to me. Net: We’re not sure there is an expert on that subject. On another note, this nice weather is making my summer job a little more enjoyable. Net: Oh yeah, it’s gorgeous as we write this. About 59 degrees, raining. Gorgeous! Reminds us of Seattle in June. Well, back to enjoying the sun. Net: You do that.

From Bobble: This is in response to PeeWee, the alumni guy’s letter in Network on Friday. Net: This is in response to your response to Pee Wee’s letter. OK. I felt I needed to put in my two cents to protect all the readers out there who might be as unable to grasp the obvious as PeeWee is. Net: GASP! It’s true! A squared plus B squared does equal C squared??? Before you take his advice and start a drinking binge Net: Done and done that goes on until you graduate, remember this: The reason PeeWee is where he is, is due to his cavalier attitude toward studying. Net: You’re assuming, of course that he has an undesirable job. OK, bye. Had he actually studied instead of gotten shit-faced at the bars on Wednesdays, he might have gotten a decent job. Net: Then again, he might have gotten an even crappier job because his studying didn’t affect his grades one bit, and he lost the will to live, and then he killed himself by now. Now who’s laughing? Nobody. Nobody. While my first reaction to his letter was that it was all a big joke and one big ironic diatribe, I later convinced myself that PeeWee was not capable of that kind of insight.

Net: So there ya have it. Two Net regulars (in a way) with very differing fortunes. To those of you who wrote in and didn’t get your letters included, we still love you. As is our summer policy, we’ll hang on to ’em for a rainy day. Of course, it’s raining now, but that’s not the point. You have to learn to think metaphorically, damn it.