SCONNIE SUCKS
From: Budstriker: Yoho Net, Net: And a bottle of Hamm’s. I would just like to find out why Numbnuts or man or whatever has all this unabashed hatred for Wisconsinites. Net: Wasn’t that guy Larry from “Perfect Strangers” from Wisconsin? ‘Nuff said. Did some guy (or girl) from said state of beer and cheese steal his girlfriend or f@&k his mother or something? Net: It was late. She was drunk and high on cheese. Romance happens. Where is all this hostility coming from? Not only that, but this jacka$$ is also so threatened by some poor fool on a unicycle that he is forced to slander his entire way of life, as well. Net: Nope, slander is spoken falsities. He was just spoutin’ off. DAMN that media law class! I would bet a fair amount of money that this mutant’s whole base of social interaction centers around ripping on Wisconsin and making fart jokes. Net: You should hang around us on a Friday night. Not that fart jokes are so bad, but it’s all about variety. Oh yeah, I bet he has a mullet, too. Figure it out, slapdick. Net: Slapdick? Sounds like some sort of fratern … wait, better hold off on that one. Sounds like more greek “issues.” And so our favorite day of the week (Hump day — tee hee!) rolls on.
KISS OUR TOES
From Agloatingsenior: As I am nearing graduation (after only THREE years at this fine institution and one somewhere else), I feel I have acquired an experiance Net: And the spelling skills that I hope you will find worthy to listen to. Net: We’ll listen, but only to make fun of your grammar. Upon arriving at a Connector bus stop a few weeks ago, I noticed a twenty-soemthing Net: Nice. man snatching glimpses at me. Thinking nothing of it, I proceeded to arrive at Moos and promptly got off the bus. So did the man. I went straight to an e-mail kiosk, and so did the stranger. Feeling that he was going to say something to me, I quickly dived Net: K, technically that’s right, but it just looks SO wrong. into my e-mail. But it was too late. “Excuse me, miss,” the wierdo Net: Catching a theme here yet? started, “I haven’t said this before to anyone else, but as you were standing there, I felt I had to ask you if I could have the honor of kneeling before you and kissing your feet.” Net: Note to selves: Work on new pickup lines. Horrified, I said no, and dissappointedly Net: Er … he apoligized Net: We give up. and went on about my beauty. Upon telling a friend this story, the first thing she said was that since I had a skirt on, he was probably trying to look up my dress!! Oh, Network, could that be true???? Net: Yes, and it could also be true that we once streaked a high school football game, but we ain’t sayin’. It was a good thing that I had underwear on this time. I should have just let him kiss my feet. It would have been a great story to tell! Net: And you might have a disease on your toes. Thank you for the honor, oh great ones. Net: Wow, layin’ it on a little thick there at the end. Very nice.
MEN SUCK
From Kung Fu Joe: This is to all you limp wrists who write to Dr. Date saying you are to shy/stupid/ugly to talk to chicks. Net: Kung Fu, why do you have to act like you’re getting any? You can take Dr. Date’s advice about all that respect bull, or you can listen to me. Net: Hmm, listen to a guy in a humor column, or a guy whose column is often humorous. Tough call. 1. Go after ugly chicks or chicks that used to be fat and still have a bad self-image. Net: Sounds like a great start to a crappy relationship. Work up your confidence with these chicks, and then leave them for some hottie. 2. Beer! Get drunk; you are much more clever when drunk. That’s all you need to know. Forget all that crap that homo Dr. Date is telling you, and embrace misogyny.
Net: Networkia, it’s time we come clean. You’ve noticed we’ve gone easy on fat people in this column before — it’s time for a confession. Network is, in fact, an overweight woman. When we sit around the house, we literally sit around the house. Please feel free to write in and hit on us … or don’t, we could care less. Why? Because we’re runnin’ for MSA president and vice president. Remember, vote Net. We’ll build heated, outdoor smoking shelters. And we’ll buy Stairmasters. Lots of Stairmasters.
MORE COMPLAINING
From Dagmar: The past couple entries have really pissed me off. First was that bimbo who had the nerve to write in bitching about some guy she saw on the bus wearing white socks. Net: We really gotta tell mom to stop writing in. Who the hell does she think she is? She was checking him out on the bus, noticed his white socks and was disgusted. What the hell is all that about? Net: Some people care about looks. Not us. Pass the beer nuts! Is she so shallow that the color of some guys socks would turn her off? I just don’t get it; maybe I’m missing something. As a female, I want you guys out there to know that not all of us are stupid little fashion queens. Net: Right on, sister. More steak! And then yesterday’s entry, Numbnuts wrote in bitching about some guy who rides a unicycle around campus! What the f@ck?! Has this guy on the unicycle disturbed the peace in anyway? No! Leave him the f@ck alone. He’s not hurting anyone. And what the hell is this kid’s problem with Wisconsin? Net: We’re back to this again? The only good thing to ever come out of Sconnie is fried cheese curds. Mmmmmm …. cheese curds. Does picking on other people and different states make him feel like a big man? Grow up, little boy, and get a frickin’ life. It seems to me that the prissy little fashion queen and Numbnuts would make a perfect match.
Net: Speaking of a perfect match, think about Net as the president and vice president of MSA. Haven’t you always wanted a fat chick as MSA president and vice president? Think about it.
