Mr. Bell, you have no idea what you’ve done for breaking up

For the least amount of tears, time and stress, this year’s Grapevine Award for the best place to break up goes to Alexander Graham Bell’s lifesaving communication device … the telephone.
Whether it’s local or long distance, telephone calls provide not only a safe distance from an irate psychotic ex-lover, but also the chance to avoid those long face-to-face crying sessions with the clingy, melodramatic partner who doesn’t understand how you could do this to them after “all we’ve had with each other,” ignoring the fact that you’ve both thought of killing each other and you haven’t had a passionate date or an intriguing conversation in the past six months and you both feel like your pathetic lives are passing you by while you sit there trying to base your future off of cheesy movies like “Titanic.” Well, everyone knows one lover died at the end of that movie, and the ship, like the relationship, still sunk.
Anyway, for local relationships, a phone call provides that extra time needed to get out of the house immediately after a breakup so as to avoid any ex-mate confrontation.
For long distance, the best option is Sprint’s Moonlight Madness which only charges 9 cents a minute after 9 p.m. In the costly world of cross-state relations this is a great bargain.
Also, late night provides an opportune time to call for a breakup because your significant other will be groggy and less likely to argue, unless, of course, they are in the process of cheating on you which warrants a breakup anyway.
Whatever the case, a telephone can be a lifesaver in tragic relationships. So, congratulations to Mr. Bell and thank you.

— Jim Martyka