Net: Everybody ready for the 2000 Network Super Crazy Happy Fun Contest? Here’s a quick recap: This weekend an object will be hidden within the boundaries of the University of Minnesota (not in St. Paul, so all you Design School hotties will have to hop on the Connnector). On this object will be written the SUPER SECRET CODE WORDS. Once you find the object, e-mail the SUPER SECRET CODE WORDS to us here at Network. You will then WIN THE GRAND PRIZE OF BEING ABLE TO GUEST-WRITE NETWORK. One clue, in haiku form, will be in Network each day next week. Additionally, other hints MIGHT be dropped in our comments next week, so be sure to read us RELIGIOUSLY AND WITHOUT PAUSE. Enjoy the sauce.
From Screech:Net is slap happyDon’t change the penalty cheerWhat are you thinking?Students like vulgarLet them throw many insultsThen power play scores Gophers rule the iceHead back to N-C-A-AsFirst time in too long
From chico: Sup Netter, how you doin’ baby? Net: We’re drunker than a depressed Scottish longshoreman on St. Patrick’s Day I read the Net yesterday… it looks like you need some help. Well my good man or woman, chico is here. The new hockey cheer goes like this … to the theme of the Dukes of Hazzard …
ra ra ra… ska u ma… hockey is fun… lets all run…to the ice… NUT a girl twice… right in the stands… dont use hands…get real drunk… throw up in trunk… nib high football rules! Then we break into an interpretation of the song ‘bounce with me’ by Little Bow Wow. Net: We would most likely need the help of the hockey band on this one. Wonder if they have it in their repetoire? I say we just leave out the fact that we are there cheering for the Gophers … who goes to see them win anyway? We go for beer and titties. Net: Yeah, Hauser’s got a gonzo rack Á
From President Weasel: Yo Yo Net, did you hear that Gabbo’s coming … anyway … I feel left out of the whole IT/CLA debate thing going on now because I’m not part of either college. Being in CBS, Net: You’re a TV major? I feel I don’t get enough attention at this school. Firstly, I’m not nearly nerdy enough to sit alone all day trying to raise my charisma to +6 so I can properly talk to the high priestess in hopes of garnering information that will lead me to the Stone of Albion, and I’m not artsy enough to discuss the current trends in post-modern-neo-classical-semi-gloss-day-glow PEZ dispensers, so can anyone tell me what my NUTTING stereotype at the U is? Net: How about this: Crazed mad scientists who violate monkeys in cages while cackling maniacally? CLA people, make fun of the fact that I ended a sentence with the word “is,” and IT people, I know it’s laughable, +6 charisma isn’t high enough to talk to the high priestess. But I want to be labeled, I want to be generalized, I want, well I just want recognition. Oh, and listen to Vomit Sauce, the most radtastic band ever. Net: They do not play music well
From Sinister 6000: Dear Net. I have one quick question. Net: The answer is ‘panties’ Who is going to replace Dr. Date now that he is retiring? Net: Your mom. She will be writing a column called ‘Bein’ a ho’ Will it be that Nurse Naughty trick? Yudof? Goldie? Now that I think of it I have one more question. Did anybody read the Opinions page today? Net: HA HA HA AH AH HA Á NO! I didn’t but it’s always funny when Chris Schafer writes an opinion. I always crack up when I see his picture. He’s the fat-ass with the backwards hat welcoming everybody to smell his arm pits. Dude, put you arms down, you frickin’ stink. Net: Sorry On one occasion I did read his opinion, it went something like this … “Duh … Dubya should be President…Gore should stop moaning … narf … (fart) Net: Contrary to popular opinion, it is extremely hard to correctly render bodily function in writing ya … Dubya’s cool.” Chris Schafer I nominate you for slapnuts of the year or semester. Mitch Ohnstad comes in a close second.
From pneumoboots: Every day in the Daily Cardinal (one of UW-Madison’s newspapers) they show a picture of a student reading the Cardinal and try to make a funny joke about the student’s name. Net: MADISON — BASTION OF HUMOR Yesterday they showed a student and made fun of her name as usual, failing to realize that in the picture the girl was reading … The Minnesota Daily! Net: HOORAY! So today they showed the same girl, this time actually reading the Cardinal, and apologized for their cardinal sin, blaming it on the photographer. Net: Our agents have infiltrated college newspapers around the world! I don’t know why I’m telling you about this, except I thought you might be pleased to know the Daily had its picture in the Cardinal and its head popped off. Also, every day my neighbor asks me to have sex with him and every time I say ‘no’ so he punishes me by smoking right outside my door. Do you think I will be able to get out of my lease if I develop lung cancer? Net: Magic 8-ball says: Answer unclear
From NiceNeasY: Well, this is it. After hours and hours of vigorously searching the great and wondrous contraption that I, and Al Gore, like to call the ‘Internet,’ Net: We love the INTARNUT I have, alas, found that I have a complaint of worth to grace your page. Where the NUT are the good porn sites on the NUTTIN web? Net: www.mndaily.com Now, it seems to have recently struck me that every IT loser idiot and his fat girlfriend have a web site with their naked bodies thumbnailed over the entire face of the page! What the NUT Net! I mean, where did all the good free porn go? Net: I think we accidentally deleted it. We were on the Internet the other day and hit the ‘delete’ key and deleted the Internet. Sorry We need more great pages like www.furnitureporn.com to parade about and worship on a Daily basis. Please Net, find me good free porn, you’re the only hope I, we, all of us, have left in this dark, cold, naked fat chick of a world. Now I’ll leave you with a haiku;
Hate naked fat chicks, They induce me to vomit,Put your clothes back on. Net: Charles Kuralt couldn’t have written a better closing piece. Thank you