Net: Today’s Network is brought to you by Archie Bunker’s Chair at the Smithsonian: Formerly Home to Archie Bunker’s Fat Ass.
BIG MAN OFF CAMPUS
To Oldie From PrzySupporter: Net: We don’t get it. If you pronounce “Przy” the way it looks, it’s “Perzy” which sounds either like “Percy” or “Prissy.” Oh, wait … we get it. Picture this: You are an incredibly talented college basketball player with a legit chance of NBA stardom. Net: Big, fat checks, yes. Stardom, no. You are getting a 2.5 or higher GPA without going to class Net: i.e, breathing. You are eligible to play according to the NCAA, but you get suspended by your coach. Why waste your time when the NBA is waiting for you? Net: OK, let’s just save college basketball for the so-so players. CBS will love that. Just look at the draft this year. Kenyon Martin, Chris Mihm and … WHO??? Net: We tried declaring once, back in the Marbury draft. Bastards wouldn’t let us in … something about being able to play “basketball.” Whatever … Joel might actually be better off entering the draft this year because there are a bunch of no-names entering. Next year or the year after the draft may be jammed with Net: sophomores talent. He was planning on entering the draft after this season anyway. Net: Then why did he play this year at all? Just leave school, buy a Benz and cruise around Monticello. At least he wouldn’t have screwed his team over. He is a very smart kid who made a bad decision. He was in my classes in high school, and he was very intelligent. I agree he did make a mistake leaving early, but give the kid a break, he is only 20 years old. Net: At what point does that stop being an excuse? Middle age? When, O Supporter, do we get the treat the man-child like a man? Don’t tell me you have never made a mistake before. Besides, if I had to put up with that annoying as hell Cymbal Guy and his stupid antics I would want to leave as soon as possible, too. Net: That’s your right. You bought a ticket. He signed a letter of intent.
UNPROVOKED! REALLY!
From Heather: Was there something I had planned on doing this week but don’t remember? Net: Our laundry, perhaps? Oh, that’s right! I was going to sign up for sorority recruitment! Sure … right after I have that operation that cuts out the part of my brain responsible for individuality. Net: We’d rather have a frontal in front of us than a bottle lobotomy. Or something like that. Then I can attend formals and crush parties and exchanges with (squeal of delight) the frats! I can wear my Greek letters on my sweatshirt with my Abercrombie jeans. I can hang out at the frat house that my house is paired with and get sloppy and wasted. I can bond with my “sisters.” Net: Is this where the ass paddle comes in? I can bitch about other girls and what frats they hang out at. Oooo! I can’t wait! Riiight … because all the frat guys I know say sorority girls are a dime a dozen and if you know one, you know the whole sorority. Sign me up! Net: Don’t call them, they’ll call you.
CASH ON DELIVERY
From Klieopatre: I didn’t actually watch the show, “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire,” Net: Calling all Credibility Cops! but I do like the idea of not having any games or illusions about what Net: or who you are getting into Net: or on top of. He knows he is getting a gold-digger who is willing to parade around and do anything he asks to get his money. She knows he only wants a trophy to have on his arm and that if she doesn’t meet standards, he can find someone else. Net: It’s Love in the Zeros, baby, and it’s a beautiful thing. I think it is actually preferable to both of them pretending to be actually interested in each other’s personality. Net: Thank you for calling in, Dr. Laura.
UGLY F&@KLING
From Nasty McShasty: Hola muchachos y senoritas. Sometimes I like to say little words in Spanish. Net: Is “cahones” a little word in your interpretation of the language? It is fun. Anyway. As you can see, I am still a little messed up from all the super-tasty Red Dog that has been in my system this weekend, but I just wanted everyone to know that for once, I got some PLAY!!! And she was cute too. Net: Hans Christian Andersen would be so proud. But thanks to some damn guy the people call Leetwad, they kicked us out of the room, she left and, once again, I was stuck with Mrs. Hand, but don’t worry, I denied her. I am holding out for Rollerdiva, and her clean cut vertical smile. Net: ALERT! ALERT! ABRUPT TOPIC CHANGE! SWAB THE DECKS! BURY THE HATCHETS! What the f&@k is up with Casey Casem’s long-distance dedications? I happened to hear one today on the top 40 s##!tty songs, and it was some guy who hasn’t talked to his perverted uncle in a while, and he wanted to dedicate some gay-ass song so Uncle Pervy would stroke his weenis again or something. Net: What was the song? Endless Glove?
WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
From FOX: Greetings, great Network! It is the FOX (formerly known as Disco) once again. Today I am moderately angry, and not only about having school on Presidents’ Day. Instead, what is making me the maddest is the University’s bus system. Net: Next please STOP Tired topic STOP Can’t take anymore STOP Please send rations STOP Then, in reply to The Hot One: “Who Wants to Marry a Millionare” is social satire? Only pseudo-intellectuals don’t like to watch TV? I’m sorry, but you are completely wrong! The state of American TV has been declining since the days of “American Gladiators,” and the Medieval rip-off version. Net: But thanks to “Battle Dome,” it’s makin’ a huge-a-mundo comeback! Fox’s marriage show was about two things only: sex and money, though not necessarily in that order. While there are some good shows out there, the vast majority are rotten. Net: Coming soon to a TV near you: “Rotten,” starring Dabney Coleman as an investment banker-turned-garbage man with a facial tick and a heart of gold. I mean, does Fox really need another “special” showing how terrible it is to be chased by a police car? Net: Yep. More animals attacking people? Net: Uh-huh. More disasters? Net: (head shaking vigorously and vertically) Sure, those are fun to watch once in a while, but all the time? Net: Damn right. That’s not special.
