GOT A BOX FULL OF…

GOT A BOX FULL OF LETTERS …

Net: … we thought you might like to read. So, we’ll stand aside today and report readers’ observations of life in these oh-so-gay ’90s.

From Jon: I would like to bring one thing to the attention of A Curiously Upset College Student and Just Want to Study. You are at the University of Minnesota, a land-grant university. The “of Minnesota” means this institution was not founded in the glory of a saint or the king of Sweden. Rather, it was formed for and of the people.
For this reason, the University’s first and foremost responsibility is maintaining accessibility to ALL people. This goes far beyond just making tuition affordable. It is about creating a university where all can freely participate in the higher learning and the community that happens here. It is about creating a democratic landscape where everyone has a place (or at least an opportunity to make a place for themselves).
As part of this democratic landscape, yes, there might be pictures of gay couples kissing in the Daily, kiss-offs on the Mall, drag shows and activities in which you might not personally participate. There might also be a student services fee in the name of diversity and accessibility to all people, but that is what this place is all about.
There is hope for you two and your bull-headed slandering, however. If you want a campus you can deem your “personal space,” where you can merely “get through the required courses to graduate,” they’re called private schools. And after you’ve graduated I am sure there will be many nice gated communities of tract houses in the suburbs just opening up for people like you. So I guess it comes down to either open your mind or open your wallet.

From Nadafag: I cannot believe the crap that has been going on this year at the University. What the heck is with all of this gay stuff? We now have an MSA president and vice president who are lesbians. Someone better watch out during the meetings so that they don’t start making out or feeling each other underneath the table.
What does that say about our school? Hey everyone, we’re gay! I can’t believe how easygoing people are with people who are homosexuals. It is just wrong. Bodies are designed a certain way for a certain reason. Guys are not made to have sex with other guys and girls are not made to make out with other girls.
When I saw that picture in the Daily of those two guys kissing I couldn’t believe it. Pretty soon before you know it gay people will be making out everywhere on campus because they think that it is all right, while all of the normal people, that aren’t messed up in the head, are puking because they have to look at it. I don’t know what to do, but something should be done before this campus is totally taken over by gays!

From Cooter, of “The Dukes of Hazzard”: Howdy y’all! Been long since I’s been able to speak, but thanks to the talents of this here psychic homersexual, I’s can speak to y’all froms beyond the grave. COO-COO!! Anyshow, I kinda agree on these sentemints of Upset College Student. Damn straight! These homersexuals don’t have right to invade the straight world with French kissin’ and drag queens and all that stuff! COO-COO! Whys if I’d be alive now, I’d have the Duke boys and the local militia wipe these boogers from this campus.
And these lesbeens, well sure as shit I’d have the lot of them dress like Daisy Duke! COO-COO! Was she a hotty!
But what the hell, this god damn psychic is tellin’ me to hurries up. What the hell does some homersexual think he’s doing tellin’ me to hurry! COO-COO! Anyshow, I’s managed to see that some these here college-edubecated peoples got their heads on straight. WHOOOEEEE! Bye y’all!

From Yngwie: I warned all of you. I knew the MSA elections would turn into something out of Kafka if we didn’t mobilize all the wise people out in Networkland and elect some people with a clue. But no. My plea for a running mate went unanswered, and the elections came down to a drag show and a few dead Presidents.
And now we have a president and vice president who were elected solely on the basis of their sexuality. These people care more about what is happening in Iraq than what is happening on our own campus. Representative government is at its finest when the leaders represent 1 percent of the student body. Even Cartman, Kenny, Spicoli, and Tarver couldn’t save us from the inevitable.
But that’s life. In a democracy, people usually get the kind of government they deserve. You wanted a “different MSA.” You got it. And next year, when our blessed MSA spends all of its time arguing about worsening conditions in Third World countries instead of getting a 10th Avenue bus, we’ll all pat ourselves on the back for not voting in people with an agenda relevant to our campus. The hounds of hell will descend upon this campus in two weeks. Two weeks. Net: And there you have it — a selection of the good, the bad and the downright weird minds of our beloved campus. We’ll continue this debate tomorrow. In the meantime, here are some …

WORDS OF CONSOLATION

From Mathlady: It’s May! It’s May! The lusty month of May! So anyways, I was working last night when out of nowhere a co-worker of mine (who is also a student here at the lovely U of M) says to me, “Let me tell you, Mathlady, all the women at the U are looking so good!” Net: You see, dear readers, that all these names you thought were assumed actually are not. This campus is stranger than you think. I just couldn’t help but giggle.
So if any women are down and aren’t very self-confident, this should help. This guy, I’ll call him Mike, is a great, funny, and SINGLE guy, so keep your eye out for him. See you at work, Mike! Net: And we’ll be seeing you. Remember — we know who you are, but you don’t know us. And we’re listening.