From Frank Padilla (“McKay is that you!?”): My friend SUPERTRON brought up some very important issues in Monday’s Network. Net: Network: Your home for important issues. And cranky, simple-minded folk.
However, I do believe that he passed over something without giving it much thought. Mr. ‘Tron quickly discounted the immense value of Jm J. Bullock. Net: On the Polish stock market, maybe, or the black market raging-geek-has-been trade, but in our world, he’s as useful as a football bat.
People tend to forget just how much Jm J. has given us. In a decade not long ago, there was a wonderfully entertaining and educational show on prime time, “Too Close for Comfort.” This show wasn’t afraid to tackle many real world issues and everyday occurrences, such as fat women raping skinny men. Net: Which reminds us of a funny story … oh … never mind.
Oh yeah, who can forget the episode where Monroe was raped by two fat women in the back of a van? Net: We did (until now), but it took years of therapy. It brought this issue to the forefront and changed television forever. So don’t be so quick to use Jm J. as a punchline. Net: A punching bag would be fine. On a quick note, I would like to address the leader of the atheists. Just because you and your band of merrymakers spend half of your lives in Coffman Union, that doesn’t make it your home. So please try to be quiet the next time you guys are playing a rousing game of Stratego, Battleship, Killbot or whatever. Some of us are trying to sleep. Ron Popeil for president in 2000. Net: Be careful what you wish for.
Network’s championing of Popeil as a man of the people just might convince the paint-head to give it a shot.

From Go East: Hello, again, faithful Net; it has been some time since my last communication. I send word from a land free of the dreaded language requirement — that is, the College of Agricultural, Food, and Environmental Sciences in the remote region near the fairgrounds known as the St. Paul campus. Here, unknown to many, we have a stronghold against this requirement. Net: So what you’re saying is that in St. Paul a second language is mooooooooot? Freedom does not lie in IT; it lies in CAFES! Net: College of Anuses, Feces, Excrement and Stench? (OK, sorry. That went a

little too far). Flee CLA — do it now! Go east to find your freedom, and viva the revolution. Net: And if you’re looking for stink-free manure, we hear they’re cooking some up over there.

From Chase to Grand Lord PeeWee: As an IT student, I do agree with you that the argument amongst the IT students should stop, because we should just be proud of whichever college we’re in. Group hug, everybody … even the MOC, can join in … Net: The last we heard about the MOC, he was hunkered down in the cargo hold of a sailboat on the Big Lake, stowing away in search of fish. Or was it Phish?
But PeeWee, please tell me what your response about the IT debate was explaining? Net: PeeWee was merely exploring the depths of frat-boy idiocy. It happens. You’re saying that CLA students can party so much hardier than any IT student? WOO-HOO. I mean, what an accomplishment. Your point seems to be that CLA students, especially you, can get away with a WHOLE lot fewer brain cells and still seem to make it through your major. Net: That’s not difficult when your major is ballroom dance. Isn’t that interesting. The reason you CLA kids lose your virginity earlier is because you can’t think of any GREATER accomplishment than that.
Alright, now that I have said my peace, I have an idea. Last year there was a barrage of haiku. It was nice, but it didn’t rhyme enough for me Net: That’s what’s so beautiful about it. It doesn’t have to rhyme to be cool, kind of like Barry Manilow. Or something like that. so I suggest everyone write in with a limerick! I’ll even start:
There is a thing called the Net
In the Daily, it is the best bet
It’s weird and it’s funny
It makes my days sunny
And it hasn’t let me down yet.
Net: Just wait … the semester is young.
Thank you very much. Net: Be sure to tip your waitresses, and yes, if you want to come up with ever-clever haiku, be our guests. Just leave the squirrels out of it.

From Ahmso: Hey, Net, do you think you could give me a hand here? What happened to all of the fellowship and joy that used to comprise most of Networkia? Net: A coupla lackeys beat ’em over the head with a billy club. Yougottaprobbemwiddat? Now when I read this section, all I see are writers bickering over who attends the “best” college here at the University and who should be allowed to drive on the transitway. Can’t we all just agree that anything here is better than having firecrackers put in your nose? Net: Sometimes our wittiness is mere overkill.
Why doesn’t everyone write in with more interesting topics, like chlorophyll and proper use of gerunds (I’m in the dark on that last one). Net: In our estimation, the most proper use of a gerund is the following: “He/She is a drunk.” Take that, you dangling participle. This letter is the perfect end to that era, as it isn’t very cohesive and it is totally boring. ALF SUCKS! BUSES SUCK! THE UNIVERSITY SUCKS! Breasts, however, are really neat. Net: Sure, in a not-so-comfy-underwire-and-they-hurt-when-you-jog kind of way. There, now this is indistinguishable from every other letter, so no one will notice.