VATICAN CITY — Following a major turn of events in the history of the Roman Catholic Church, worshipers will no longer “just do it” on Sunday mornings as of this week.
Daily World News learned that Nike decided to break its ties with the Catholic Church after Vatican officials announced Thursday they would be joining the Worker Rights Consortium.
The Catholic Church, known to have a world-famous library of Archie and Veronica comic books and to offer spiritual advice on weekends, says it has long-lasting ties with the labor rights movement.
Jesus’ feeding of thousands with little food at hand did not comply with labor regulation of the time, Vatican official said.
Nike, a Portland-based company that gathers the talent of shoe-making artisans of all ages in Southeast Asia, has been the Church’s official sponsor since archeologists found a pair of sandals in 1955 that they believe belonged to Jesus himself.
The Holy sandals in question bore a symbol that mysteriously resembled Nike’s “swoosh” logo.
But now the rupture between the two global corporations is official, Vatican archeologists are reconsidering their interpretation of the findings.
“We’ve come to the temporary conclusion that the mysterious symbol was in fact a copy of the McDonald’s arch that had been deformed by the weather,” said Al Shagjuolnite, who lead the team of archeologists.
Pope John Paul II addressed the issue Sunday in 50 languages, including the latest addition, ebonics, to a crowd of 100,000 attending a rock concert held at St. Peter’s Plaza in the Vatican and sponsored by McDonald’s and Menards.
“In this year of the great Jubilee, we must remember that Satan is more present than ever in our homes, our televisions and our shoes,” the Pope said, shrewdly comparing Nike to the Whore of Babylon.
“Drink Pepsi,” he added.
Responding in an exclusive Daily World News interview, Nike CEO Phil Knight said that the Catholic Church’s break with “truly Christian values” such as labor for all and macroeconomics was a disgrace for believers all over the world.
Vatican officials are reportedly negotiating a 10-year, $4.3 billion contract with Reebok, which currently sponsors Judaism, Nihilism, survivors of the Branch Davidian sect and a number of obscure religions from Uzbekistan, Tajikistan and Saskatchewan.
The pontiff, who will be in Costa Rica next month promoting the virtues of shock-absorbing air cushions, also encouraged shoe-making companies Sunday to use more latex in their products in order to divert existing resources of the synthetic fabric used for certain other rubber products.
“(The change of economic partner) is the only answer to spiritual peace in the world,” he said.
Lil’ Church Boy covers obscure international perspectives and useless foreign opinions and welcomes comments at [email protected]
