Net: Only 10 days (well, more like nine, ’cause who goes to class on the Friday before break?) left. Hang in there. And yes, our Farmer’s Almanac indicates it will indeed be warm again someday.
OBI WAN KENETWORK
From Telengard: Hey, Net, do you do requests? Net: It all depends on a) who’s asking and b) how far into our daily case of Hamm’s returnables you caught us. A few years back (when they were re-releasing the Star Wars flicks) you printed the lyrics of “YODA,” sung to the tune of “YMCA.” It was pure genius, worthy of a CLA degree. Net: We’ve seen people produce less in a six-year college career. Matterafact, we see such people in the mirror on a regular basis. Could you run it again? Thankyouverymuch. Net: A votre service, notre petit chou-chou. Ou quelque chose aiment cela …
Young Man, I saw your ship come down, I said
Young Man, now it’s muddy and brown, I said
Young Man, put your weapon away, ’cause I
Mean-You-No-Harm-I-Say
Young Man, There’s no need to feel fear. I am
Wond’rin’, tell me why you are here? How you
Growin’, from this food on the plate? I say
Wars-Do-Not-Make-One-Great
You must be here to see Y-O-D-A!
You must be here to see Y-O-D-A!
He’s 900 years old!
He’s so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y-O-D-A!
You must be here to see Y-O-D-A!
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you’ll feel!
Young Man, you fell out of the sky, into
Somethin’ brown that smells like a sty, and this
Tin Can started swimming and then, he got
Spat-Out-Like-Some-Throat-Phlegm
Young Man, welcome to Dagobah. He is
Comin’, Master Yoda not far. I’ll be
Havin’ this bright thing that ain’t hot. It is
Mine-Or-I’ll-Help-You-Not
Old Ben, are you list’nin’ to me? I can’t
Train him, he’s so reckless you see! Like his
Old Man, he’s so angry but brave! Betcha
He-Screws-Up-At-The-Cave
Young Man, if you start will you end, or be
Going, off to save all your friends? To be
Training, needs commitment and work, if you
Wimp-Out-Then-You’re-A-Jerk
You gotta stay here with Y-O-D-A!
You gotta stay here with Y-O-D-A!
You should stay here and train!
You don’t have to save Han!
If you do so you’ll lose your hand!
You gotta stay here with Y-O-D-A! (repeat and fade.) Net: Repeat and fade, huh? That pretty much sums up our academic career …
HOWLING AT THE MOON
From Budstriker: Benevolent Net … first, to get this out of the way, F&@k f&@kity f&@k f&@k f&@k. Net: If you want to share these and other similarly complex thoughts with the world, consider buying a megaphone or even a can of spray paint. We’re bored with it. Your invitation to swear was too great. Now that it is out of my system, I would like to suggest a new moniker to Networkia that might be used in place of “heifers.” “Coyote Women” is my suggestion. Net: Well, at least “women” are involved in some way. The explanation goes like this. You wake up the morning after consuming enough alcohol to kill a lesser man. You look over at what you are lying next to in the bed with a vague recollection of the previous night’s endeavors. You see that she is lying on your arm. Rather than wake her up to leave, you simply chew your own arm off and escape undetected, much like a coyote caught in a trap. Net: The funny thing here — and we’re sure the ladies would agree with us on this — is that you assume the women would be pleased as punch to wake up next to your sweaty, stubbly ass. Thus the term “Coyote Woman.” Let me warn you, this title must only be laden upon only the cruelest of nature’s mistakes, be it a man, woman or something in between. Net: We question whether you fall into any of the above.
THEY AIN’T SO BAD
From Kurvin Cragger: I’m replying to Nasty McShasty‘s entry about the Farmhouse frat and their girlie-friends. Why do you have to make fun of those guys? Net: We make fun of that which we do not understand. A-hyuk! If you ever had the opportunity to meet them, you would realize that they’re doing the best they can. Fat people get horny, too, and rednecks like sex as much as the next guy. Net: VOTE GORE! These guys are just looking for a little action. Net: LEWINSKY 2000! Animal-rights activists have made it difficult for these guys to be with their usual mates, so maybe they’re desperate. Net: BULLARD’S OUR MAN! I wouldn’t actually call these guys the cream of the crop, either, so you have to compare the overall attractiveness of the girls with the type of guys involved. Net: Considering these yokels spend a lot of time comparing the overall attractiveness of udders and hides, we assume that makes them experts. And I wouldn’t call these guys lady-killers. As for them being sick f&@ks, they’re frat boys. What did you expect?
Net: A mere four days remain in our informal Internetastrophe contest. If you weren’t around last week, here’s the ditty, short and sweet (in a Regis kinda way): Send in URLs of the most inane, mundane (but not necessarily profane) sites you’ve come across (no pun intended). The Networkian who best manages to impress, repress (but not necessarily depress) yours truly will win five pizzas at a local ‘ria of our choosing.
No fooling, Networkia. An actual contest. Real prizes on which you can gorge yourself over break. So get online, get surfin’ and prepare to save your money for drink specials.
