Net: Monday was a rough one for your Net, what with the sorrow of the Vikings’ loss, too many McDonald’s bratwursts, not enough antacid and the receipt of a financial aid form that says we’ve exceeded our student loan borrowing limits for perpetuity. The bottom line had us feeling much like a certain Louisiana well water-drinkin’ quarterback who can’t pronounce his own name: Spent.
So … something tells us we’ll be spending a lot of time hawking our wares on E-Bay in the coming days and weeks.
Anyone need a set of tires?
TROLLS, THEY IS
From Always Angry About Something: Hail Network, blah, blah, blah. Net: Now that’s more like it. Enough of this brown-nosing crap. I’ll get right to the point — who are these insane Packers fans? Net: They’re the ones who are still wearing the beer-can hardhats — fully stocked, of course — on Wednesday. I wore my John Randle jersey Monday when I had a run-in with a troll woman on the top floor of the vo-tech building on the St. Paul campus. This troll of a woman — dressed in a faded, green K Mart Green Bay Packers T-shirt — Net: Favre’s mom? Sounds like a backwoods type called me a ‘loser’ and scurried off before I could formulate a response. OK, here’s the thing, I took a lot of sh*t from Packers fans all day, Net: They’ve got plenty to spare. which I took in good humor and was able to shrug off, but this b*tch decides to insult me and then not even have the decency to allow me to respond! I’m happy your team won, and I’m happy that you are 40 years old and still act like you are 5, Net: She must be a season-ticket holder. Or maybe she owns some of those exceptionally valuable shares of the team. which I have no problem doing, from time to time. In conclusion: No more paint thinner, Net: That’s like asking a mute to speak up. no more sex with animals in a IT’S ALL A BIG CONSPIRACY, MAN!
drunken stupor and stop calling me a loser, b*tch!
From Scumf&@k: Who thinks the Network is a pawn in Yudof’s ploy to drive all the students out of school so ‘they’ can make a huge corporate laboratory and some nice sweatshops on the West Bank? Net: We do! We do! Oh … wait. Was that our outside voice? Scumf&@k doesn’t know who the f&@king Minister of Concurrence is because he usually doesn’t read the black print. Net: Racist! Read carefully, Net — you’re f&@king boring. Net: In a really cool kinda way, right? If you don’t turn your horrible ego playground into a giant seek-and-find, I’m going to send my killbot army out to do it for you. Net: And we, in turn, will fight back with a HOW’S YOUR APPETITE?
marauding band of Beanie Babies.
What a tool.
From Peewee (now with wings for added protection and comfort): I would like to apologize to whomever had to clean Sally’s men’s room last Thursday night. Net: Here’s a suggestion: Walk your ass down to Sally’s and apologize. Ya see, the Ol’ Peester turned the big deuce-deuce on the 23rd, and I decided that the only way to celebrate properly would be to drink frat-style until I vomited a rainbow of hues. Net: A reasonable conclusion, considering your admitted limitations. So after a period of 50 minutes in which the Peeman consumed 10 shots, a 40, and some bowels Net: What?! in the car beforehand, it was decided that the amount of poison in the system needed to be flushed. Net: “Bowels” will do that to a guy. Stumbling, I sojourned into the men’s room not once, not twice, but thrice and destroyed it. I am not kidding, I leveled the motherf&@ker. Net: Since when did everyone in Networkia develop a flaming case of pottymouth? Them boys in “Trainspotting” gots nothing on me. Net: Pride must be oozing through your pores. Still, I feel bad about my regurgitationary Net: Better throw that word past Citizen. Looks a little iffy to us. But then, we’re tautological, and thus can’t be trusted. exploits. If it is any consolation to whomever had to clean up the chili cheese fries and Jagermeister all over the tile, as a result of that night, all my friends, including Artsy-Fartsy, Chucklenuts and the Vocab Gang, are rip-roaring mad at me for my drunken attempt to perform the magic trick unfortunately titled, “Where Did The Weasel Go And Why Can’t We Blink Anymore?” So now I have to spend a ton of $$ and smoke up a lot of people in order for them to like me again. Net: And DON’T ROCK THE GOAT
now you understand the political process in America. Penance is a bitch!!! Good night and keep watching the skies.
From TR: Oh, illustrious and spankarific Network, I beckon thy ear. I’ve been here four long years, and now Dr. Date has grown stale, Net: Marriage will do that to a guy. Umm … that’s what we hear, anyway. You know, stuff we’ve overheard. Doesn’t mean anything, really. Bizarro was never funny and the gay marriage in Doonesbury isn’t doing anything for me. Net: We feel your pain. We’re pulling some strings, you know, trying to shake things up a bit. Stay tuned. The Network, it seems, is the only article worth reading anymore. Net: You should get together with Scumf&@k and go bowling. From my personal observations and research, I’ve found that the Network is by far the most-read article in the Daily and in this is a real power. Net: Omnipotence is funny that way. With the ability to contact 50,000 some odd Net: Some more odd than others, wethinks. students on a daily basis, why not get a real forum going? Maybe some talk about all the folks taking it up the ass for financial aid this year thanks to Jesse, Net: What the hell did she have to do with it? She’s just a half-ass character on a half-ass TV show! legalizing drugs or anything else a strong student movement Net: Yeah, right. MSA passes a resolution and walls start a-fallin’. could change. I’d rather blow goats — yeah, that’s right, oral sex on freakin’ goats — Net: Thank you, gentle writer, for that much-needed clarification. than spend my last year at school reading pointless crap about squirrel conspiracies and freshman hatin’.