Net: We never thought a unicyclist would garner so much attention in our sunny, hallowed halls. Then again, we never thought Bob Denver would have a career after Gilligan’s Island. Shows ya what we know.
DON’T DO IT!
From Slapnuts: After reading Unicycle Boy’s entry Tuesday, Net: He changed his name, but nobody noticed. God bless democracy. I have one bit of advice: DON’T DO IT!!! DON’T JOIN the Institute of Technology HONORS!! Net: FREE HALLE BERRY! NO ACCOUNTABILITY FOR CELEBRITIES!! As a freshman limping through my last five weeks in the program, I know what you have in store. First of all, it’s a class load I would not wish upon the laziest College of Liberal Arts bastard, Net: Which, for the record, is twice as lazy as the laziest IT bastard. Go Gophers! one that will drain you of any sense of intelligence (or social life) you might have. Get back a few tests with a grade of 50, and it saps the old self-esteem, believe you me. Net: You’re talking to an entity that’s in a journalism school without tests. MMMmmmm … 10-page writing assignments … Second, I assume you like the ladies, Kenny boy. Well, the boy/girl ratio in IT Honors is about 15:1, so good luck finding one for yourself. Net: And the student/Yudof ratio remains a stagnant 40,000:1. And finally, I don’t know how “cool” you presently are, Net: Or “smart” or “attractive,” for that matter but from what I have witnessed, if you undertake a second year in the program, you will become a 100 percent, certified, grade-A nerd, and so will all your friends be. Net: And talk like Yoda, you will. If this is the kind of life you enjoy, well, good for you. As for me, I’m scooting my ass over to the College of Ag next year (and no, I’m not joining Farmhouse). Yee-haw. Net: That’s pronounced “Hee-haw” over on that campus. Have a good freshman year, Uni-boy.
From Amish Mofo: Dear sweet Net, Net: Reminder to self: Insert funny part here before cutting out of work early to go to Dej … uh, class. Tee hee, what a poor unicyclist must result to these days … Day after day, you let these poor excuses for humans insult a well-respected unicyclist gang member such as I! Net: And why shouldn’t we? You ARE a part of a unicyclist gang. My homies and I are actually part of a feared biker club called Unicyclists of DIE. We are a “special” gang, Net: Like that group of kids that rode the short bus in elementary school? not one of those low-rent organizations that gangbang their hands. (Chicks dig the wheel.) We have grown tired of your pitiful portrayal of a badass Net: Amish mofo such as I. In turn, we have a message to all of you. We will get the last laugh … In fact, our fearless leader, the Doctor, has already hidden leeches that contain fatal poison in his socks to murder you with tomorrow. Net: It’s been a while since we’ve had a bona fide psycho write in. Please, continue. Also, my friend G.E.N.I.U.S. is just putting one-pound tablets of cesium in his full water bottle to be used tomorrow to explode you! Net: After we look up the word “cesium,” we’ll be sure to recoil in terror. Or not. Whichever. Finally, I, the Amish Mofo, have recently hidden large amounts of radioactive nuclear waste in my now glowing Net: Underpants? unicycle Net: Damn. We were so close. to be placed in your food! Net: That’s better than the underpants. As I said, WE WILL SEE WHO GETS THE LAST LAUGH!!!! Net: FREE BEER FOR ALL!!!!! Net:
From RollerDiva: Dear sweet, juicy Net, I just had the most nummy and delectable spring break ever in the exciting, pulsating, throbbing city of New York. Net: Unlike our visit to flatulent, scummy, crappy Milwaukee. Milwaukee: the antithesis of your spring break needs! An unlikely destination, I know, but think about it … if you were RollerDiva would you rather spend your precious, sweet spring break with a bunch of spoiled and soiled 18-year-old boys who can hold neither their liquor nor their erectile bodily functions for much longer than 60 seconds, or would you rather strap on your rollerblades in a city that, not much unlike myself, never sleeps whilst in the company of hot, sexy bisexual women who, unlike the boys of Mazatlan, love to spank a naughty kitty or two late at night? Net: That is the longest sentence ever. Oh, and uh, spank the kitty. Meow … Speaking of spankings, my darling girlfriends and I went to this lovely sadomasochistic salon where, for a small fee, you can humiliate yourself or one of your comrades in public. Net: We know what you’re all thinking right now. OK … we can all relate to THAT. Well actually, we can, but that’s just ‘cuz we’re omnipotent. You can get a good spanking, be tied up and locked in a little cage or get treated like the dog you are, quite literally! They will make you beg, fetch and several other things I feel I must censor for those repressed Baptists and former roommates of mine who might be reading Network today. Net: Yudof? Heh, imagine that. Rolla and Yarkie Mudof living together. It practically screams “Odd Couple.” Or at least “Perfect Strangers.” Which one would be Balky? I just can’t have it on my conscience if anyone of them were to suddenly convulse in a disturbed little fit because they can’t come to terms with their own sexuality. Thank God I can enjoy a beautiful woman just as much as I can enjoy a beautiful man, and so can you — you know who you are. By the way, that bar, “Le Maison du Sade,” is in Chelsea, for all sick little bastards looking for a good time the next time you’re in the big city. Net: We can just see Larry and Balky now. Ah, crappy Friday night TV. ABC’s legacy lives on. In the meantime, I encourage the rest of you to blow off all your classes for a 48-hour sex marathon with brief pauses for tandem bike rides and undergarment scavenger hunts. Net: Now that’s just good advice no matter who you are. Remember, never be more serious than you absolutely have to be.